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am loosing it

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Posted 9/27/2009 12:19 PM (GMT 0)
I am at the end of my rope. I cant seem to let the past tradgedies that i have been put through go and they are ruining my life. I am right now on the verge of suicide. I have dappled with it in the past but never been this far down. When i was 2 months old my mother abandoned me in an apartment with a crappy diaper plastered to my butt and a roach invested bottle in my mouth. Than at the age of 9 i confronted my grandmother about her father touching me and molesting me and i got slaped in the face and told that i desereved everything i got. since my life has been just as downhill as it started. I cant seem to let it go. my grandmother has told me a million times that i was worthless and a mistake at the same time trying to encourage me to do schoolwork and go to college. I cant let this go and i wonder if im not bipolar also. I have always had depression since a young kid but never had the chance to fix it if i can. I recognize that i need help, i just dont have the money to get that kind of help

1. No discussion of any illegal activity or violence. (ie. threats of suicide or self-injury, or discussions of suicide or self-harm that are deemed negative and therefore potentially injurious to others are also not permitted.)

Sorry I had to edit your post per forum rules. I think you should also look at the phone numbers and sites that Getting By gave you. No one wants to see you hurt yourself or leave this world prematurely because of the mistakes and cruelties of your relatives- I believe it took strength to share your story and that you are a fighter. I wish you all the best and hope you stay here with us, we are here to help the best we can.

Maz XX

Post Edited By Moderator (Mazfire) : 9/28/2009 2:52:03 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 9/27/2009 3:39 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Lost,

Know that you are a very special person despite the tragedies in your past.  Your mother was not a good person, but that doesn't mean you aren't.  You are special and unique.

I have a few sites that you might be interested in when you Helpful Web Sites:
Suicide Hotlines (listed by state)
Suicidal.com (includes Suicide Crisis Center and Depression and Suicide)
SuicidalTeens.comare feeling suicidal.

Please don't let what your mother and grandmother did define who you are.  This is all in the past.  and eventually you will learn to let it remain there and not let it effect you.

Go to mental health and see if there are any programs that will give you counseling for free.  Often there are.  If that doesn't work go to social services and see what kind of help that they can give you.  You need not suffer like this.

Know that we are here for you and that you are a wonderful person worthy of love and support.

I am sorry for what happened in your past.  I understand what you are going through.  I didn't have the best mother either.  So I know how you feel.  And my grandmother was cold and hard.  But fortunately she did love me.  Though she didn't oftne show it.

Keep posting, I do have to work today, but the other members will be on.  Weekends are slow here though, so if you don't get a response right away, don't feel bad.  It is just that the members are not on.  But I will be back tonight.

Take care my friend, remember you are a good person.  You can get through this.  We will try to help you.

Hugs, Karen

Posted 9/27/2009 7:35 PM (GMT 0)
Just hang in there. That really does sound like a situation that would leave a person feeling helpless. My situation isnt anything like yours but some advice would be to try and work toward getting to the attitude where youre more like " Im gonna show them how special i am ". Whatever path you decide to take, you're the only one who can define your success and happiness. Use their attitude as fuel to make your life go. Good luck and hang in there.
Posted 9/28/2009 7:05 AM (GMT 0)
my healing compassion to you. your recovery has begun. your courage, and in posting shows true grit. keep being courages, i too suffered, albeit i am fighting back, have been, yet the past for me has gone-to the future, to here and to infinity and beyond!!! here for you. jamie. a survivor.

dx, mdd, severe borderline personality disorder

Posted 9/29/2009 4:04 AM (GMT 0)
ok let me say one thing! i am sorry for what you are going through! i have not been abandoned or anything like that, but i was abused as a child told i am not going to be anything in this life and now i am happy. you really need to seek counseling. i was raped 3 times and counseling really helped me!

do you still have a relationship with your grandmother? let me know!

i have a love hate relationship with my mom. i have been through alot, and i have alot of hurt and anger in me! i understand it is hard i mean hard at times, but you look at things like fun stuff and keep yourself busy, that helps me sometimes. don/t let the past run your future! i have learned that and hope you can get past this.

Post Edited (ealey) : 9/28/2009 10:08:22 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 9/30/2009 6:33 AM (GMT 0)
Hi lost!

And I'm so glad you came here to share your pain. As you can see there are people here who really do care and barely know you. This is how we are here...like a large family and we take care of each other.

The obvious is you are in terrible pain...your heart and spirit have been broken. But please know that your life is worth living and that no matter what anyone tells you...you ARE a good and wonderful person and someone with caring about. We do!

First...please ask for help. Even if you have no money you can get help and it will be good, compassionate help. If some of the links mentioned above don't work out you can always call your local Red Cross and they will help you. You don't have to have a flood or earthquake for the Red Cross to give you some help. They care about people and will find the help you need.

I do know it's hard to let the past go, especially when it's so painful. You ARE a good person! You did not have a choice about coming into this world but here you are and the people around you when you were young too advantage of you in many ways including taking out their own insecurities and anger out on you for no reason.

Several years ago I met a young college student who was engaged to an older man. She thought she knew him but not until he coaxed her into bed and she became pregnant did his true colors show. He bailed! and then threatened to take the baby so he didn't have to pay support. She had no one to help since most of her own family ranged from sexual abusers to drug addicts to alcoholics. But she decided she was better than that and would NOT be like them. Fortunately we convinced her to come live with us until she could get back on her feet again and continue her education. Now she is the mother of two beautiful boys who call us Grandma and Grandpa. So lost, there is hope for everyone even when you can't see where it is.

Leaving this world is not the answer and as crazy as this seems to you right now, there are people who care that you are here and it would destroy those who love you if anything should happen. Lost, my son took his own life and it nearly destroyed mine. His father was an awful man plus my son had apparently suffered from hidden depression for several years without my knowledge. He was a master of acting happy. Nine years later I still cry from missing him...he was 23 when he left me. Please, please get help. All you need do is ask and I know life will be worth living for you. Make the choice to stay and you will find a happy life.

Feel free to email me. Click the little envelope under my name over there <---
Chutz
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