why are people so cruel when it comes to mental illness????

Hi Beverley,

People can come across as cruel when they don't understand something. They don't live in the same depths of pain and suffering that you are experiencing and so they don't have the same context to know how to relate to you in a way you always need them to. My guess is your mom didn't know what to do and so her way of coping was to suggest you just start moving and set aside whatever was bothering you. Of course, it's not that easy when dealing with these conditions, but your mom and others don't understand what they havn't suffered or havn't been properly taught about.

Your mom is probably also from the older generation that was taught to just 'suck it up' and deny a lot of how they felt, put on a happy face etc. So the generation gap could be part of it too.

People don't normally mean to be insensitive. But they sometimes run out of ways to reach out to their loved ones. Have you tried writing your mom a letter and listing some practical things you need in certain situations? Take a tone that is understanding and gentle and reach out to her - tell her you know it must be hard for her to try to understand and to see you suffer, and that you appreciate all she does for you. Then go on to explain that there are some areas where you need support that will meet you where you're at: i.e. "when I'm in tears, I can't just get on with it. In those times, if you could just offer me a tea or just sit with me till I cray out some of my pain that will really help." Or whatevery practical things you can think of that will help you.

My husband is very supportive of me when I am in a not so good place now, but I had to teach him what I needed. I explained how I felt and told him what I needed to hear. I had to tell him that 'preaching' to me in those times didn't help, but offering compassion would etc. Now he is a great support to me because he listened and learned what I needed.

I think though, that our loved ones can never totally fulfill our needs - but we can learn to identify the good they do apart from the ways they let us down which is also helpful. In the end, I think it's not so much the people that don't get it that I'm angry at (although that happens), but that there is so little support at times, and the feeling like "I shouldn't have to suffer like this. SOMEONE out there should know better and be helping me!" So to refocus on the fact that the problem isn't other people so much as the condition itself is something that empowers me because rather than putting it on others to support me I can then look inside and say "Okay, what can I do to gain some ground over this condition today." I'm not saying this is necessarily true in your case, but just something I've been learning and thought I would share it in case it helps in any way.

In the end, I think because mental pain isn't easily identifiable as visible physical disabilities, people can't see it and hence, can't identify with it as easily. It's the same with invisible illnesses like fibromyalgia - people can't 'see' the symptoms and havn't been taught about it, so because it's not obvious, they just don't get it. Hence, they can seem really cruel, but really a lot of the time they are just clued out or don't know how to cope wtih a loved one in pain.

I don't doubt your mom really loves you. She just needs some help to learn how to relate to you in the way you need. I hope you two can find a way to talk honestly and find some good middle ground together.

I'm sorry you are suffering so much and I pray you will feel a bit better soon. It takes a very strong person to cope with the things you do, and you should give yourself a pat on the back for hanging in there. Don't lose heart. Just keep doing your best and know that the world is a better place because you're in it!!!

take good care of you,

manyembers

 hello this is Beverley and am replying to ur post. i think when i posted i was so angry and yes HURT and i think the way i worded my post was wrong!! i thankyou so very much as what you stated in ur reply to me made perfect sense. i must admit i have tried to tell my mum what i need but to no avail. but as u have stated maybe my mum doesn't know how to deal with my problem's and i really should give her a break!!!! i just get so frustrated because i have nobody to talk to except strangers and that's just not the same to me. i will go with ur advise and see how things pan out for me. thankyou again for your very kind word's. best wishes to you!!!!  Beverley.

Hi again Rosebud,

I understand that even if your mom is trying and does truly care, it still doesn't make it easy for you. You can come here and vent or pour out your heart for support 'just because' you know? Sometimes it just helps to get it out.

I know sometimes we can try many times to communicate something to someone and they still don't get it. That's why maybe if you write it down it might help? My husband usually tells me to write something down if he isn't catching the drift. Don't give up and like I said, when your mom doesn't understand, you can always come to healingwell and lots of folks here will.

take good care of yourself, embers

and you too bev. rose-bud. jamie

exactly maz!!! well put. i use one flew a lot, and that was a long time ago. my favouite all time movie, along with duel. have a good day. jamie