New - Not Doing Too Well . . .

Hey, I'm Menolly, I'm new here. Before I get to talking, here's a bit about me.

♥ I'm sixteen, and a senior in high school.
♥ Diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, depression, MPD, OCD, post-traumatic stress disorder, and depersonalization disorder.
♥ I do everything for everyone else.
♥ I've tried very hard since my problems started appearing at the age of seven to deal with them.
♥ I'm on various meds, see a therapist once a week on wednesdays, and such.
♥ Survivor of three.

Okay. So, lately things have been getting worse for me . . . my meds aren't really helping, at all, and I've been having increased lapses in my memory as well as violent tendencies; which isn't like me at all, I believe in peace, love, and cotton candy ice cream. So trust me when I say that it's out of the norm for me to be seriously threatening somebody. There's also been problems with a boy, but honestly that isn't affecting me as much as just living is. I feel so detached, and when I feel real, I'm so overwhelmed with emotions that I can't control them. I've tried being strong, I really have, but I just can't do it anymore.

Last year, a few months before the end of school, I was a vegetable. All I did was sleep and stare at the ceiling. I didn't go to school, I didn't talk, I didn't eat, I didn't do anything. That's when I first got help for the things I'd been experiencing since the tender age of seven. I was put into a mental hospital for the duration of a week and a half during the summer, where I was diagnosed and put on medication. I showed signs of improving, so I was discharged. But now, now . . . it's worse than ever. The hallucinations, the voices, feeling so out of place and not connected, everything . .  I'm just a burden to everyone. And no one really cares, I can honestly admit.
No one knows the real me, and no one wants to.

Thanks. I needed a release.

Here's to hoping I see morning.

- Menolly.

1. No discussion of suicide or violence. (ie. threats of suicide or self-injury, or threatened or intended physical harm).  Discussions of suicide or self-harm that are deemed negative and therefore potentially injurious to others are also not permitted.

Post Edited By Moderator (Mazfire) : 10/17/2009 5:11:32 AM (GMT-6)

Menolly,

Here are some websites for you..

National Suicide Hotline
1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
This is a combined network of the Amerian Association of Suicidology, the National Hopeline Network, CONTACT USA, and many other organizations. Call are automatically routed to the nearest crisis center to the phone from which the call for help is placed.

Helpful Web Sites:
Suicide Hotlines (listed by state)
Suicidal.com (includes Suicide Crisis Center and Depression and Suicide)
SuicidalTeens.com

Also here are a few others that might interest you...

http://forums.teenhelp.org/

http://www.teenhut.net/

http://teencentral.net/

I hope that this is some help to you.  I am really worried about you.  We have another person your age on the forum that is going through a rough time, I will email her so that she can read your post.  I think that you will really like her.  She has been through a lot too.

You have especially been through a lot.  My mother was schitzophrenic and I understand it some.  It totally haunts you.  But with the right medication, it can be controlled.  And it sounds like you might need a medication adjustment. 

I will check back in later to see if you have posted.  I want to get this information to you.

Please try to relax and know that somebody cares.

Hugs, Karen

Hi Menolly, I'm sorry you are feeling so troubled, please listen to Karen's advice. We are here for you.

I just.
I can't do this. I'm not strong enough.

I'm not going back to that darn hospital.
That's the only option I have.

So I won't call. I won't.
Because that's the only option I'm given.
And I refuse.

Post Edited (Menolly) : 10/16/2009 10:49:16 PM (GMT-6)

I don't have a good enough insurance to afford any other meds than what I've got, pretty much.
And I hate the hospital. It just isolates me, and makes me feel like a freak.
I don't like not being able to do anything, or talk to anyone, or see anyone.
I hate being made to eat and everything else. I hate itIhateitIhateit.

Menolly

You have given us a very detailed background of your situation, but I noticed something missing- family. Are you on good terms with your family? Do you have a support network of friends and family who can help carry your burden?

Maz XX

 

me menolly, 28 admissions, some very lengthy, 6 courses of ECT, a six month in-patient treatment program for people with severe borderline personality disorder, 8 years of intense psychiatric therapy, many issues with my safety, many, many meds, 2 and a half years of homelessness, 3 months in crisis accomodation and 2 years in a long term mens refuge, this was a dive, and many things of a terrible nature happened to me. 3 years of family isolation, 20 years of stigma, slowly they are getting it. 8 yrs ago i became very psychotic at uni, was pensioned of, lost my place, fell into very addictive behaviours, something i am continuing to deal with, along with coping years of abuse from people also. got more to say, but from this i want to say that i am back at school, in a relationship, soon to be engaged and getting myself sorted for a fulfilling life. my young years i have no recollection of, a sequale of abuse, i think you will undestand without going into detail. still a work in progress, as you are. trying to motivate you, you can do it, i am. keep fightin' you and your life is precious i want happiness for you. with loving compassion, jamie

hi Mellony i have just read ur post's and it sound's like your near rock bottom?? My suggestion is that you ask either a Family member,friend or ur G.P. to get u to the emergency department,see your pshyc get your self booked into a Mental Health Facility and get the doctors to change ur medication's!! I have been where u are many,many times and the last time i was an inpatient was 6mths ago because i was feeling just like you. So i beg you please go and get some help for YOU and nobody else.I know the last time was very hard for you but dont be scared about being in a hospital!!! We all have mental illness on this forum and it is nothing to be ashamed of ok.If u ever need to vent to someone please dont hesitate to vent to me, i mean it!!! I'm really worried about you!! Can u promise you will stay safe?? Hope this help's.

 

REMEMBER TOMORROW IS ANOTHER NEW DAY!!!!!

 

BEST WISHES.........

beverley-rose-bud40

rose-bud is right on menolly. i (we) care about you. stay safe and well. healings to you. jamie. i too am worried.