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Posted 10/18/2009 9:04 PM (GMT 0)
I know the rules; don't let negativity in, exercise, take my pills, write, etc. But right now all I can get done is brush my teeth and take my pills. I feel like crap. My fibro is flaring, I have the chills off and on, but no fever. You know how "they" all tell us our depression (or insert psychiatric diagnosis of your condition here) is caused by chemical imbalances and it's treated as a medical problem, like diabetes or high blood pressure? I think they are lying to us. If I had diabetes or my blood pressure were as out of hand as my depression is now, I'd probably be having lots of tests now and having someone work really hard with me to fix it. But since I'm only severely depressed right now, I can wait 2 and a half weeks to see the pdoc. I would never intentionally do anything to harm myself or anyone else. But by the time the pdoc sees me, I will be so much closer to, if not inside the black hole. I wish I weren't too far down to cry. Maybe they would believe me more? I am really sick right now and need to see a doctor this week, not 2+ weeks from now. zi have an appt with my counselor tomorrow. Maybe she can pull some more strings. I was on a month long waiting list before. How can a pdoc change all your meds around and then make you wait for 3 months before you see them?? It just doesn't seem right to me somehow.

Sorry for the ramble. Just having a really bad day, and each one seems to get progressively worse. I tell myself every night that tomorrow will be better. I tell myself each morning that it will be a better day. Wish it would come true. I don't know what else to do.   

Posted 10/18/2009 9:37 PM (GMT 0)
If you really feel like you have no other option, go to the closest ER and request to be submitted for psychiatric evaluation.
Posted 10/19/2009 12:20 AM (GMT 0)
Learning2fly so sorry how your day has been! I dont know what your pdr is thinking changing your meds then making U wait that long for an appt. I know sometimes it's get's really dark was there last week, and it hard honey so hard, but U have to FORCE YOURSELF! even if it's just getting up brushing your teeth U did it, I know U just want to lie there in bed PLEASE DONT GO ANY DEEPER!!  I agree with GCoing go to the emergency room if it get's to bad don't sit there an wait 2 weeks that impossible. Dr's really need to start taking depression more serious it's no joke. FEEL BETTER PLEASE!   

Posted 10/19/2009 1:14 AM (GMT 0)
Learning2fly,

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. It's ridiculous to have to wait so long, I agree. Give the doc's office a call in the morning and let them know how urgently you need to see the doctor. Ask them to put you on a waiting list to be seen sooner if possible. And definitely remember the ER is there if things get too ugly to handle.

Good luck,
serafena
Posted 10/19/2009 3:22 AM (GMT 0)
Hi there,

I too am so sorry that you are going through this and waiting so long to get to see the pdoc. I would call the office too if I were you and let them know what is going on with you. Maybe your therapist can pull some strings for you too. Remember that you will see them tomorrow and that will bring you that much closer to feeling better. Take it one thing at a time, try to relax. You will be feeling better soon.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 10/19/2009 11:53 AM (GMT 0)
understand the issues with mental health services. keep utulising all help, and yes advise them all that you need to be bumped up. dr. your area mental health service, counsellor, etc. keep safe and know that we care. look after you. you are in my thoughts and prayers. jamie
Posted 10/19/2009 9:35 PM (GMT 0)

Thanks everybody. Still not feeling any better today. I cancelled the appt with my counselor because there is nothing more she can do to get my appt moved up. She did that last visit. The rest of the visit was about how I should be grateful that I have such good support systems and a nice house and no financial problems. She talked about how a lot of her clients don't have any income (been there before), anywhere to live, no one to support them, etc. I feel badly for her other clients, but right now the only one I am worried about is me. It may sound selfish, but I am the one looking at the black hole right now.  This girl should realize you don't talk to a person with depression like that. It makes me feel guilty for the things I do have and her other patients don't. I would willingly trade everything I own to have a brain that's not all jacked up.

I called my insurance company today to see if I can find another pdoc. The first thing she said to me was not to cancel my appt that I have unless I can find another pdoc who will see me sooner. She said all over the country things seem to be an 8 week wait to be seen by a new one. I'll make the calls tomorrow and then set up an appt for whenever I can get one. Then I can see this doc one more time and follow up with the new one. She mentioned the ER also. I don't know what else to do.

If all else fails, I'll go to the ER. I don't want to go inpatient, but I may not have a choice if that's what it takes to get a doc. I'll call my PCP tomorrow too and ask him if he has any suggestions. He's known me since I was in my 20's, so he knows I never cry wolf.

Regardless of what happens or doesn't, suicide is NOT an option. I will fight that black hole with everything in my power and with God's help I'll make it through this one too. And I'll come out of it a better person than before. At the rate I'm going these last 20 years, I should be up for sainthood when I finally do go (in about 40 or 50 yrs) since I always come out of these episodes a better person. I have to make a little joke. Humor is important.... at least to me.  

Posted 10/19/2009 10:09 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Learning2fly,

I think that the counselor was trying to get you to feel good about the things you do have instead of trying to make you feel guilty. Sometimes we have to focus on the good to get the bad out of our minds. I dont' think that she meant to hurt you. Though I can see how it could have been misinterpreted (sp).

Do you ever just kick back with some nice music that you like to listen to? I wonder if that would help your mood. Or even go for a walk. I did today with my dogs. It was nice and sunny for a change. And not too cold. I really enjoyed it, though it took me a while to get going. Finally I put on my walking shoes and went. Once I start, I can't stop. Once the dogs see what shoes I am putting on, I am going whether I like it or not. lol... They take me.

I hope that you feel better soon. I know what it is like feeling stuck in that black hole. It is no fun. Nothing is interesting, you have no energy anyway. Life just doesn't feel good. But you are right, you will get through it and you will be a better person for it, though I think you are a pretty good person right now. You always have such kind and helpful posts.

One day at a time. One moment at a time if need be. Keep your chin up and keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 10/20/2009 1:46 PM (GMT 0)
If you cannot get in earlier by all means go to the ER.  It doesn't mean they will keep you forever.  Maybe, if you are on meds, you need an adjustment.  I really can feel you, I have been in that black hole where all you can think about is "i cannot keep living like this."  I hope that black cloud lifts soon.  I do believe mental health gets the back seat in alot of ways.  Just not right.

Sending feel good vibes your way.

Gem

Posted 10/20/2009 3:19 PM (GMT 0)
Psychiatric evaluation sounds a bit austere, but it really just means that a psychiatrist will come talk to you and assess the situation. Whether it's through medication, counseling, or both, if they think they can help you, they will. Unless they think you might be a danger to yourself or others, you will most likely be in-patient for only a few days (give or take).

Post Edited (GCoin) : 10/20/2009 9:25:52 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 10/20/2009 5:09 PM (GMT 0)

Well, I finally feel a bit better today in my head. And I know why I was feeling more cruddy than usual. Fibro flare + depression + slight bout of the flu = depression times ten! idea    The chills are gone today, the achiness has gone down to a tolerable level, and my depression is back where it was before all the other junk started. I kept all my pills down since this morning and actually have a bit of an appetite!!!  smilewinkgrin    I can make the 2 weeks until I see the pdoc now. I'm just going to hang out around here today and maybe play some games or something on the computer.

Thanks to all of you for being here to support me! It really meant a lot to me.

Karen, I understand what you mean now by what the counselor was trying to do. But when I get that low, I feel guilty for everything that ever happened to anyone anywhere. Heck, I could twist my brain into being responsible for 9/11 if I worked a little at it!

I reread all the posts today. I had to laugh at your dogs knowing what shoes you wear to take them walking. I have a special pair I wear when I walk my dog too. She gets crazy with excitement when she sees them. As soon as she sees they are on and tied, she runs to the front door and stares at the drawer where her collar and leash are kept. We have to drive to a place where I can walk on level ground. I fall enough and Pittsburgh is nothing but hills. However, thay have removed the railroad tracks along one side of the river and have a huge walking trail that is mostly flat. Perfect place to walk her (and me).

{{{{{HUGS}}}}} to you all today and I hope your day is looking up too!  

Posted 10/20/2009 5:49 PM (GMT 0)
L2F,

I got a real kick out of reading that. My dogs are getting old, but when it comes to taking a walk, they are like puppies again. They get so excited.

I haven't walked today. Fibro has me down. But the walkn might do me good, but it looks like rain. Though I might give it a try anyway. I feel so good afterwards.

I know what you mean about the guilt thing. I was the same way. Not so bad anymore. But if something happens, I would find a way to make myself feel responsible for it. I remember once I was working in a bakery. If something would go wrong even on my day off, I would find a way to feel guilty about that too. Had too many guilt trips laid on me when I was a kid. Finally getting past that though. So one day you will too. It takes time.

Best wishes for a lovely day.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 10/20/2009 6:02 PM (GMT 0)
Hi I am new to this site ...

I too know the rules ..... but when you get so far into the black hole the last thing you can even think about is Exersise , diet etc... You dont say what meds you are on . I am slowly going up in mg of lamictal but to be honest dont feel they are doing me any good , if i am to be honest i feel i am getting more & more down ...

I see my pdoc weekly & keeps asking me just to bear with him that WHEN full dosage of maictal is reached i will feel a lot better .. I am waiting on his day .. At the moment every day feels like a bad day here .. Hope you are feeling a little better now mad

Posted 10/20/2009 8:43 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Butterfly5,

Welcome to the depression forum. I am glad that you have decided to join us.

I hope that increasing your lamictal helps you. It sometimes takes a few weeks to see any improvement. That is probably why your doctor wants you to wait it out. Hope that it helps.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen
Posted 10/21/2009 2:50 AM (GMT 0)
Karen, my dog is a Rottweiler / German Shepherd mix. She is over 9 years old, so she has some minor hip problems right now. Perfect companions we are for each other because it takes us both a while to get moving. But, as soon as she sees those shoes, she turns into a 2 year old again!

Butterfly5, I'm happy to see you, but wish it could be under other circumstances. I was put on Lamictal in May. Before I got through a week and a half of the starter pack, I developed an allergic reaction to it; the really bad one with a rash all over my face and neck progressing downward more each day. I was starting to feel a little better with it, but there was no choice but to stop taking it. Everybody reacts differently to different meds. I hope you (and the rest of us who are trying) find the right combinations soon. It makes me feel like a juggler most days. It's really hard work keeping all the balls in the air at once, all day, every day. On top of that, I am a master at masking my depression from people I don't want to notice it. Some days it all goes to hell in a handbasket and all the worst of everything shines through and I drop all the balls. So, I just start picking them up one by one until I get them going again. Every time I drop them, I pick one less up. This teaches you the things that are really important in life. Most of us knew that in the first place, but it sure reinforces the need to unclutter and de-stress our lives as much as possible. Good luck!
Posted 10/21/2009 3:00 AM (GMT 0)
L2F,

One of my dogs is german shepherd and the onther one is a pitbull/australian cattledog mix. The shepherd is nine and the other one is 13. But they too both act young when on the leash. The 13 year old is getting catteracts (sp), and the other ones eyes are startign to cloud up, but they get around really good.

I hope that you had a good day today.

hugs, Karen
Posted 10/21/2009 3:22 PM (GMT 0)
to all. dogs rock. mine, pure bred, very pretty female pomeranian, fawny overtones. loves me, and me her. she is around 10. would be lost up s@#t creek without her!!! hoping for the best for everyone. and extra pat all round!!! smiley faces 4 the dogs out there!! tongue turn smilewinkgrin jamie.
Posted 10/22/2009 1:07 AM (GMT 0)
Jamie, the smiling face with the head spinning round must be my dog. That's how she is out walking. She also has to stop every 5 seconds and pee a couple drops like to say; "This is mine". I get such a laugh out of her. Pets are the best, aren't they?
Posted 10/22/2009 3:57 AM (GMT 0)
My mixbreed does that too. Lifts her leg like a male dog. Too funny.

lol

Hugs, Karen
Posted 10/25/2009 6:36 AM (GMT 0)
hi i to agree that you need to get to ur emergeny room asap just to be safe. You sound like your doing it really bad at this time and my thought's are with you. Please take care of yourself. Best wishes. beverley........:)))
Posted 10/25/2009 4:08 PM (GMT 0)
I'm glad you are feeling better, but I agree with the others as to not to forget about the ER. If you go now, you won't have to worry about being hospitalized and perhaps they can make a change in your medication before you see your pdoc. I don't know about you, but when my fibro acts up I am always more depressed. As my psych says, 100% of people with chronic pain for 6+ years have depression. It makes sense. On the worst days I try (trying doesn't always work) to remind myself that the pain isn't always so bad. Sometimes I put yellow stickies on my bathroom mirror because I do forget.

I agree with you about your therapist. Certainly that did not make you feel better. I'm sure she was trying her best but....... The next time you see her you should probably talk to her about it, jst by telling her that you didn't find last session helpful. You don't have to blame her, but explain to her why it wasn't helpful and maybe she will help you figure out what you would like her to do if you get that down again.

I'm a new member. I have depression, fibromyalgia, dissoicative identity disorder and degenration in my spine and neck and scar tissue in my muscles that wrapped around my nerves causing numerous pinched nerves in my body. I really appreciate this forum. I haven't joined one before. I would also like to join the dissociative identity disorder site, which is closed, but I don't know how. Can someone tell me. My dissociative identity disorder, stemming from childhood physical and sexual abuse, is under control and I don't switch unless I'm alone, with my therapist, or a close friend who isn't scared.
Posted 11/1/2009 1:55 AM (GMT 0)
To rose-bud40:
I just read your bio. I have a permanent ileo due to severe damage to my colon, rectum, and small bowel incurred during a surgery at a different hospital (different from the hospital where my life was saved by having the ileo done). I could relate to your bio. I too am missing my ovaries, those were taken, (one for no reason) by the same surgeons who did all the injuring to me. (The bad ovary needed removal due to 4-inch benign cyst, but left one was good.) ANyway, am trying hormone replacement. I just started Celexa for depression. I am lucky to be alive and have actually done quite a bit of traveling. As my ileo was for an injury I have no underlying gut disease. However, I have experienced 2 stomal food blockages in the past two years. Both passed after I drank tons of hot grapejuice, but I was in severe agony. The thing I am at risk for is adhesion reobstruction, but when I had the ileo the surgeon also took down the adhesions that were giving me small bowel obstructions. I've been ok since. BUT the worry was consuming me. I finally gave up and started on Celexa. We'll see what happens. My situation with the first docs ended up being suable so I'm going for it. Sparing the details, my presenting symptom was misdianosed, they operated for a condition I did not have, did multiple procedures beyond consent unrelated to presenting issue, then did no follow up to my colon, rectum and small bowels being scarred almost shut. Had heck of a time finding help as no surgeon wanted to touch another surgeon's "work" or in my case "damaged goods." I was lucky to find one that would help or I'd be in our family plot, not out on some cruise ships. The practical stuff has been cared for the best that could be done. BUT the worry remained. So the Celexa. How did you get through all your stuff? How are you doing now? I bet you're much younger than I or is the 40 your age in rose-bud40 . I am 50. Rosemary
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