just a waste of space!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  hi to all,

Ive sat here thinking of all the positive thing's in my life compared to the negative,then i wrote it down and wow to my surprise the negative won hand's down. I dont see anything positive in my life at all anymore and think i and everyone around me would be better off without me,as i'm no good!!

I hate my self,the same as everyone hates me!!!!! And i'm not feeling sorry for myself it's a fact. I just wish my family would

except me for me as i'm not a bad person.

 

Thankyou all,

beverley.

 Hi Karen,

Just another thankyou to YOU!! And yes you are a truly wonderful lady.

I joined this forum not that long ago and i cant tell you how much YOU and other's on this Forum have helped me imensly! Iv'e been on other forums but they were nothing like Healingwell.com and you should all be very proud of the work you do on the forum plus ur regular job's and other thing's in ur lives,but instead of being selfish and ignorant like most people that dont have an illness you get on here and talk to many many people about there prob's,I take my hat off to all of you THE MODERATORS-YOU ALL DESERVE THE VERY BEST IN LIFE!!!!!

Karen you know how i was telling you about not wanting to see my daughter at this time,well last night Mum say's to me are you coming with me to see Becc? I explained to her why i dont want to at the moment,then mum turns around and say's your apoor excuse for a mother and should be ashamed of ur self u B****. Then i get up thismorning and said hello to my dad and he just walked off then mum said again are you coming with me or not and again I said no Mum I cant at the moment as i'm not mentally strong enough to even face her,as it tears me apart. Anyway mum again said B****

got her bag and keys walked out and slammed the door on me. Why do they do this to me when I just cant face my daughter at this time,as I know that im just not strong enough to deal with it right now,but that's not to say i wont see her. Do you think im being selfish Karen or anyone??? I hate feeling like this,here come the tears. gotta go now.

bye all,

beverley.

 Hi Serafena,

Thankyou very much for ur kind word's, it means alot. I'm having the worst day again as every 5 minutes i'm in tears and cant stop "WHY" i'm sick of crying. Is it normal to cry so much when ur down and out?? I also feel guilty for not going to see my daughter 2day,but as i said to Karen im not emotionally strong enough to see her and cope with all that stuff!! As in needle marks,ect!! I am starting to feel like im going to have another breakdown and it's getting scary because when im feeling like this i tnd to do something stupid,but dont want to.

Im just so confused about everything in my life and all I know is that in Feb next year Ive booked my ticket to the UK and cant wait to get the hell out of here. I haven't told anyone about this,do you think I should tell my family or just get on the plane and go and never look back?? I just dont know what to do.

The hardest part is leaving my darling Tahlia behind and with her being 3 if i try and explaine to her that Nanny is going to live along way away,what's going to happen to her? But i have thought about this alot and clearly in my mind i know that i have to go and i want to start a new life for ME ONLY. and i know that my mum,dad,brother and sister wont give a rat's where i am it's more Tahlia and my niece Rochell and nephew Matthew,they will not understand why either,so again im hitting a brickwall. Sorry to all im rambling on again.

i just need to vent  ok. just ignore it.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT DO I DO???  Im also very angry 2day and dont know why>>>>>>>.

 

beverley.

 Hi Karen thanks again and hope you have a good night's sleep.

Dont work to hard ok. Alway's in my thought's!!!!!!

beverley.   GOODNITE..............

 Hello Gentleman k,

 

How are you my friend?? Going well I hope. I would like to say thankyou so much for your very kind word's to me. You actually made me cry because your word's ere so kind!!! I'm a softie.lol

Anyway I know in my heart that I have to get on that plane in Feb next year as I've booked the ticket already. But my only issue is that I think im just being selfish leaving all behind,what do you think?? Also my grandaughter Tahlia who is only 3yrs old will never understand where her Nanny has gone and that;s going to be so hard. Do I stay or do I go that's the million dollar question at the moment. I know that I need to do this,as I have to get far away from my family as I can as I've had enough of them trying to run my life,use me,abuse me ect!! I need a new start to my life as if i stay here things are never going to change and i will be stuck in the same situation for life. Anyway enough about me,how about you tell me more about urself and what your going through if that would help. If you want to chat off the forum just go to my profile and my email is there if you would like to chat anytime about you ok.

 

Take care of YOU,

 

beverley.

Nice to hear from you. I do think you would be making the right choice to get away from your family and get on the plane. I know you might have guilt feelings,which is common, but remember you have to look out for what's best for you. That is not wrong so don't feel guilty. You will never be able to move on with your life as long as you are with your parents. That's sad but it's true. Once you get away from your situation there and get settled in a new location, there will be time to try and rekindle your relationship with your grandaughter. It may take awhile, but try and keep in touch with her even though you may be miles apart. Who knows,someday she may try to hunt you up and want to come live with you. None of us know what the future holds for us. You just need to get away from your current environment so that you can get your life together. I will try and chat with you sometime, but for know keep positive and remember to look out for yourself and do what is best for you. You are not wrong for doing what it takes to help yourself and don't let your family try to tell you differently. They just want to manipulate you because they think you're not strong enough to take charge of your life and do what's best for you. Take care, sweetie, and prove them wrong! God bless you and I know you will be doing the right thing.

gentleman k

 Today all I want to do is curl up in a ball on my bed and go to sleep and hopefully not wake up.............

That's how i feel today.  Life is crappy. What's the point??

 hi Gentleman k,

 

Sorry if I have stressed you by my post?? I'm just at that point in my life where I'm completely lost/sad/angry/teary/agitated and the rest. I'm getting mentally tired and when I get like this I dont even want to get out of bed or even go to work as everything is such an effort. But I know that I have to get up and go to work as if I dont who will for me "NOBODY" as they dont give a flying toss!!! To put it politely. How are you going anyway Mr.gentleman k?? Are thing's ok with you or are you feeling pretty crap to? Also I was wondering if your from the usa or ???? Im from Australia,but am originally from the UK.

That's why I'm going back there as I have alot of family,which may help me when I first get there. Sorry gotta go as I need a cold drink as it's nearly 40 degrees here again. Waaaaaay to hot for me I hate it.........

 

Take good care of YOU<

 

beverley.

Hi Beverly,

I noticed that you chnanged your name from Rosebud to Damagedgoods. May I ask why? Because you are not damaged goods. That is sad to me that you think that way.

I hope that you feel better soon. I would love to write more but I am tired as I worked today. My fingers aren't working that well either. So it is hard to type.

Keep me posted on how you are doing.

Hugs, Karen

Hey Beverley: Just wanted to let you know you did not stress me out with your post. I'm glad you're able to share your feelings. I'm from Columbus, Ohio, USA. I enjoy talking to you. Just wish I could do more to help you. I'm a disabled Viet Nam veteran of the US army. I'm being treated for depression due to Post traumatic stress disorder. Have been on Paxil for years. Seem to have it pretty much under control for now. I know all about depression and how it can negatively impact a person's quality of life. We just have to try and go on with life although it can at times be difficult. I have a dr. appt. soon so I will have to sign off for now. Will talk again soon! Take care and God bless.

gentleman k

Whatever you do Beverly,
Don't give up on that job. You really need the good feeling of working. It will impower you. I think that your family is very jealous of you. You are a survivor.

Serafena is right, come to the forum daily. We are all here for you and know that you are a wonderful person. You are going through a rough patch right now and we want to help you through this.

Take care my friend. My email is in my profile, so email me if you feel you need to.

Hugs, Karen

 hi to all,

Yes I changed my name as it suits me better,as im damaged goods and alway's will be. Today i'm even sadder than yesterday and im sick of trying to stop myself falling apart in front of strangers at the supermarket or going to my chemist to get my med's,as soon as they say how are you today Bev I start crying and cant stop. This is becoming very embarassing to me as people just think im weak!!!!

Then yesterday when mum and dad came home i had done all of the work required,then dad say's why didn't you wash the car today?? I said it's to hot and im not up to it dad,then he say's ur just a lazy b****

again. I cant win no matter what I do or dont do.... Thx guy;s.

beverley.

IM 41 YRS OLD AND GET TREATED LIKE A CHILD!!!!!!!!!

 

 Hi Karen,

How are you?? Doing well I hope each and every day!! Thx for ur reply again. Yes I pay rent to my parents. I pay $120.00 per week for a bedroom,bathroom and walk in robe,I also pay for all my own food which costs me atleast $80.00 to $100.00 per week,as I need a special diet wih my ileostomy and I also pay $100.00 per fortnight for the utilities,but I am not allowed to use there house phone only my mobile.

So there on to a good thing with me financially as I'm paying them $580.00 to $600.00 per month and that's alot of money in there pocket.

Also if I owed my dad let's say 25cents, he will make me pay it back a.s.a.p. or he will write it down as owing. All my parents think about is MONEY<MONEY<MONEY the root of all evil in my book's. I dont care about money as it does not bring you any happiness!!!

Also Karen thismorning my mum came down the street with me to the supermarket and I got teary in the car,she said nothing and pretended like she didn't even notice. When we got to the shops i got out the car and was so angry i lost it with her,which is not like me but anyway I told her that i'm sick of being told how to run my life and all the other stuff going on. I told her I was so angry with my family as none of you will even sit down and have a little talk and make me feel better and Mum said What do you mean I talk Beverley then I said Mum I NEED TO TALK about HOW I FEEL. I told her I cant handle thing's anymore ect,ect!!! Then Mum said well I hope your going to work tomorrow if ur not feeling to well. Karen I totally give-up on everything, I just dont seem to get anywhere with my so called family. All I truly want is to sit down at the table with my Mum and Dad have a cup of tea and talk to them about everything because it's got to stop as each day I'm getting angrier,teary and just feel like utter crap!!! Sorry to put it that way but that's how I feel. UNLOVED<UNWANTED BY ANYONE. It just feels like hell on earth.

Gotta go again as I cant see my keyboard from the endless tear's.

Hug's to you to Karen,

Damaged..........