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Posted 12/6/2004 9:13 PM (GMT 0)
sad  

hello i am paul and could someone help me i am 15 but yet i feel like i have lived to lives with all the pain, anger, fear, depression i have inside me, i suffer pretty badly from depression to the point where i cnt keep fighting it. my problems have come back to haunt me along with more some are my g/f may be pregnant and she doesnt want me to go with her to see if she is, my relationship with her is hard becuz i dnt want to hurt her but all i do is hurt people. i have memorys which cause me great pain a few are that i almost watched my sister get raped, i watched my grandma die and that i spend most of my days living in fear of being left by my friends and being beaten up. i push every one away from me so no one gets close but i think i need to let someone in before i crack, i just want to die and leave this world and the pain its caused me i am thinking of going back to drinking and smoking pot like i used to what should i do?

 

SOME ONE HELP ME! PLEASE I WANT TO BE HELPED I DONT WANT TO BE ALONE

Posted 12/7/2004 3:13 PM (GMT 0)
Paul,
sorry i didn't see your post untill just now and unfortunatelly i'm at work and at the end of break......... i will get back to you in a few hours.......just know your not alone......talk to ya soon........JohnD
Posted 12/7/2004 4:01 PM (GMT 0)
Paul, pray. Any and every prayer you know, meditate, breathe... in through the nose out through the mouth while thanking God for life, it is a miraculous thing. I was 15 once, the world has gotten way more intense and extreme since then, in the 80's we had cancer crack and Russian nuclear threat, same crap different decade, all these things weigh on us heavy subconsciously, so compounded by personal dramas like possible prego's trouble at home(my dad's an alcoholic) etc. of course you're hurting, your emotions are so new, but believe it or not, it is good to feel, this means you are alive and still have a chance to fullfill your dreams. Try this, it helped me through my first love breakup. I was overwelmed with pain and sorrow and it wasn't going away no matter how much I drank smoked and consumed so what i did was instead of fighting it, I embraced it. I told myself, this is what a broken heart feels like, this what millions of people for thousands of years have felt before me and will feel again, thank you God for life, the good and the bad. This may sound silly in the rages and extreme highs and lows you're going through but make sure you eat fresh fruits and vegetables, not drugs and alcohol, breathe, excersize, sleep(not with the TV cranking poison airwaves in the backround), wake in the morning and even if you gotta force a fake smile at first, smile and thank God for life. You will discover along the way SO many awsome, beautiful, delicious, miraculous things in your time, allow yourself to heal. Sometimes WE are the stumbling blocks, God heals, naturally, we are designed to heal, constantly, just allow it to happen. If your mind is on a runnaway train entertaining negative thoughts, catch yourself and remember You are the captain of your ship(the body being your vehicle housing and transporting the spirit/soul) take comand of your thoughts, force yourself right then and there to pray any prayer will do, instead of the freak hellish banter you've been letting run rampid in YOUR mind. You are not alone. And there but by the grace of God go I. Heal my young brother.
Posted 12/7/2004 4:25 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Paul,

  I feel so bad listening to your anquish and pain. I've been there personally, and over the years as a counselor have heard this kind of pain from young men and women your age a lot - a whole lot.

   I think you need someone to talk to. Is that totally impossible or possible? When I was a kid, I lived in the rural south, and "nice" people didn't talk to counselors, so I just held it in. HARD HARD.

   But if there is someone you trust, try.

   I think the most impt thing to remember is sthat you are not alone or unique in the things you're going through. That's why adolesence is hellish. Everyone thinks it's only them. And they feel powerless and often bad, evil for thoughts that grownups get u sed to having.

    It's really hard trying to respond just on line like this, but I urge you not to think of dying but think of recognizing several people here are telling you what I am, you are not uniquely quilty, bad, or not able to get to a place where you enjoy life again. The problems you have sound difficult.

   Almost seeing the rape, your grandmother, your girlfriend, not easy. But, this is life, and you have to hang on to what about yourself is good and strong. if you feel there is nothing, please, for my sake, try and find somebody to talk to. Way too many adolescents harm themselves because they see no hope, and I swear to you there is hope. A survivor. Janice 33 Ha. What a weird name. But no name I chose was acceptable so I added the numbers. Take Care. I'

m going to come back to site, assuming I can find it, a real klutz re online, and hope we see some more posts from you, it's good to share your feelings, it would just  be so good for you if it were someone in person.

Posted 12/7/2004 4:54 PM (GMT 0)
ok Paul, I'm back.
well, from my personal experiance....the drug and alcohol is a dead end road. it brings ALOT of troubles into your lifer that yuo really don't want!!!! i went there and wasn't pretty!!! finally i turned to profesional help. it took a while but finally things are doing better......if it is at all possable, i highly recomend finding a profesional who is trained to help. sounds kinda hoaky, i know. I went for a long time on that rollercoaster ride, fighting it. i tried to "just deal with it" for much longer than i should of. hurt people i didn't want to, screwed things up pretty good. but finally after admitting i wasn't winning the battle and getting help things are better. you'd be suprised, talk to a counsler at school, a teacher you like, someone and they can send you in the right direction to get someone you can talk to or even find a medication that might help.
where you are is a crappy place to be!!!! the sooner you get help the better. i'm no doctor and i used to not believe they could help.......i was wrong! you've been threw ALOT, no one should have to feel like you do now!! i understand.... things i did wrong...... isolated myself, drugs and alcohol, listened to depressing music, and dweled on the idea that NO ONE understands me. I found that no one really knows how you are feeling unless you tell them!!! therefore no one can help unless you let them in. not just anyone but someone you feel confident it.
I'm rambling but i hope you get the idea. Time does heal, but much faster if you help it along by getting back into life(the good aspects) doing positive things. build good memories. another thing that i've been told to do is to find a good hobby.......(I'm still looking)lol....well the thing is to look....
i hope you come back and post to let us know how your doing. i know this will sound like a load of crap, but things will get better if you let it...........take care of yourself......JohnD
Posted 12/7/2004 5:46 PM (GMT 0)

hi paul. my name is rebekah and im 16. i am dealing with a disease and depression comes with it. i know some-what of what you are going through. if you want to talk, you can e-mail me. [email protected]  i would like to talk to you and help if i can.

rebekah~

Posted 12/8/2004 5:14 AM (GMT 0)
Paul,
Checked back in to see if you had reposted. I hope you do.

Maybe , like in the l2 step programs it's better to tell about oneself, than to just offer advice, that may sound like so much hot air. Like, what the heck does she know???????? I had a pretty messed up childhood and ended up having a nervous breakdown and , thank God, getting the therapy I needed. I had held things in and in and it would have been so helpful to have talked. I'm not sure I wouldhave had your guts to post when I was your age. I was pretty sure I was so b ad and weird and screwed up no one could help me.
Some of the l2 step programs are: one day at a time, or if necessary, one second at a time; find a meeting and go and listen= you know you don't have to be an addict to go to an open AA or NA meeting. I went to Alanon for years as alcoholism in familyh. But sometimes I'd go to open AA just b ecause it always made me feel lifted up. Such brave people there.
Let us know how you're doing. Janice 33
Posted 12/8/2004 10:33 PM (GMT 0)

Thank you, your words give me hope but it will be hard and the road long before i fully recover like you say have to take one day at a time, i think you guys are better then any counselor no offence janice33 because u are different you guys really care, im starting to feel abit better but im taking it one day at a time. going to a counselor would be my second time ive seen one already but my problem is i dnt open up that much yeah sure i tell my friends but no one else but im working on that i guess the memorys will take the most time being as they have scared into the back of my head. i am not a violent person but people keeping pushing me and pushing me but yet i keep my anger bottled up along with everything else but one day ill let it out in a nice way as such. i may be young and may have had some troubles but i am young and i must descover these things for myself but beside the fact i am 15 this depression opened my eyes showed me another world and this made me grow up. anyway im rambling so i wanted to say thank you guys so much for your advice and i hope you all live happy lives from now on and i mean that from my heart, you guys are my friends and family  

Yours Truely Paul

Posted 12/9/2004 3:37 AM (GMT 0)
Paul,
so good to hear from you. You sound better. But, being the "mom" age person that I am pllus being the (god help me, counselor, ha) I am writing both to congratulate you on your courage and to say again that going through bad bad times are easier with someone. It bothers me that there are soo many not great counselors around. The good ones care, probably have been in your shoes at some time, and would help you open up.
Holding anger in is dangerious. that's swhat i DID and I ended up "cracking up" because I developed so many symptoms from the held in anger. But then, hell, I once dated a guy who was supposed to go to a psychiatric hospital. He ran away from home, went tothe woods in New England, and sorta worked his stuff out. He did come back and go to therapy, but no hospital.
I'm glad the people's posts have helped and thanks for giving me a "PASS" EVEN THOUGH I'm "one of them."
Another thing it's useful to do is literallyl do an inventory of all your good points. If you think there aren't many , you're not seeing realisitically. Everyone has tons and most ofus don't realize half of what ours are. You're gutsy, you're emotional, you're articulate, you're sensistive,,,,,see, and I don't even really know you except for the pain and determination which I recognize really well.
I saw several counselors before I found a real person.The first one was a disaster. A good counselor talks like the posts you've been getting here.
If people push you and push you, do you have ways of standing up to them and saying, "back off," in ways that aren't violent. No one has the right to push and push. If the people are parents then it's harder and you really do need a counselor type of person to talk that one out with. But, still, no one has the right to push you to the point of feeling that angry.
Remember, one day you're going to be writing on a site like this to some young guy or girl, telling them you've been there, it's tough, but hang in, they'll be ok. Keep posting as much as you want. Janice 33 /aka wonderwoman, well,l I shoujldn't be joking I guess, but humor helps a lot. Peace
'
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