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I'm tired of Depression

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Posted 12/8/2004 6:40 PM (GMT 0)
Hi,

Where do I start? I am currently dealing with depression and feel like I need to vent. I'm tired of feeling this way and I feel like my life is wasting away more and more each day. I am currently part of a depression study with a university where I meet with a therapist once a week but it doesn't seem to be helping. My entire life is effected and I don't want to live my life like this anymore. Every aspect of my life is boring or I just don't care anymore. I am currently 28 and now that I look back I remember a time in my early 20's where I felt great! I was running and lifting every day and my body looked great. With that came a lot of confidence and happiness. Now I come home from work every day and sit down on the couch and I feel like I can't move. My apartment looks like hell, I fell like I'm going to lose my job because it is so obvious that I am not into it at all. I am lazy and I don't partake in any activities, but when I do, I don't get any satisfaction out of anything. I have no hobbies and I have no motivation anymore. I have also noticed that I get angry more often then normal and when I vent I take it out on my girlfriend or family. They are all very supportive but even talking to them doesn't seem to help. The worst part about it is that the type of person I am when I'm not depressed is so totally opposite of how I am acting now. I want to do so much with my life but I can't break the way I'm feeling.

When I look back at my life there is nothing that I can see that should cause depression. I have a great loving family and friends. I am a good looking guy who was always doing things and hanging out with people but nothing makes me to feel better.

Bob

Posted 12/9/2004 8:11 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Bob,

You and I are in an identical situation. I'm 32 with a similar background, job situation, and over the last 6 months I had all of the feelings you mentioned. I am far from healed, but have found comfort in researching more and more about 1)my personality type and 2)Depression, low self-esteem, career burnout, etc.

Your "angry-you" is more of a defense mechanism - it's called a "shadow-side" of your personality type - which are negative traits of your opposite personality. You can find more in "Do what you Are" by Tieger. I'm still having trouble concentrating at work, but at least now I'm learning more about myself. My wife says ultimately this depression will be a good thing since it will lead to great self-discover. Although it sounds like a tough road... it is true. I've found some great tools at coping.org and depressioncenter.net.

Stay focused. You WILL get better - meanwhile look deep within yourself and discover who YOU really want to be.

j-paba
Posted 12/9/2004 8:49 PM (GMT 0)
j-paba,

Thanks for the response. It seems to help just talking to people in the same situation. I will take a look at the websites that you told me about. I did take a personality test by Myers-Briggs and I was an ESFP.

When you mentioned the negative side of your opposite personality it really hit home. That is exactly what it is. The way I act now is totally different that when I feel normal. My therapist has me thinking about the automatic negative thoughts that one has when depressed and every once in a while I will have a good day, but for the most part it only seems to be a few hours. I don't think there is a way out without medication and I think I'm going to ask my therapist to put me on something.

What I hate about feeling like this is what I put myself through. I am always (internally & externally) puting myself down in some way, shape, or form. No matter what happens I always find something wrong in my life and the one thing that I am dwelling on ruins my entire day. I started my own business and really love what I do, but sometimes it gets to the point where I don't feel  like doing anything. I let paperwork get backed up and I sit and wait for a "good day" to get stuff done. But because I have so many bad days, when I feel good it takes the entire good day to get caught up and I never get ahead. My business should be 4 times bigger than what it currently is and I get more and more depressed thinking about it.

Another thing that has me up all night is my girlfriend. I think my feelings are caused by my depression and I wouldn't feel like this if I was normal, but I'm not sure because this situation has never happend before. My girlfriend about 10 years ago used to date a very famous professional athlete and it drives me nuts. I grew up cheering for this team and in a way idolizing this person and now I can't even bare to think about the sport and this person at all. I can't get it out of my head and it is ruining my relationship because I have to bring it up ALL the time because it bothers me so much. All I think about is them being intimate and I can't get the picture out of my head. I tell myself that he is just another person and it's not like she just met him in a bar and went home with him. She dated him for a while, but I feel so intimidated by it, I can't stop thinking about it. It gets to the point where I need to know (for what ever reason) the details of what happend between them.

Bob

Posted 12/10/2004 8:05 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Bob,

I've been experiencing the "empty" motivation at work too.  It takes one of the few "good" projects to get me excited.

One of the down-sides of the depression is the low-self esteem.  I think that is what is causing your jealosy and inferior-issues to their relationship.  You are correct about recognizing him as "just a person" - that way you can seperate your joy of the sport from her past experience.  She obviously would rather be with you - since he's gone and you're in the picture. So don't let your jealousy screw up a good thing.

I think you are on the right path to recovery.  Let me know what you think of meds... I've been avoiding it, but now considering.  :-)

 

Posted 12/10/2004 8:25 PM (GMT 0)
I hope it is how I'm feeling that is causing this. It is weird but the other day I went online and looked up his salary over his career and then stared at his salary thinking what I have to do to make that much. I am really trying to get over this but no matter what I do I can't get it out of my head. It plays over and over constantly and it drives me nuts. I keep thinking about when I used to go to the games and saw this person once in the parking lot walking to his car and I remember the great feeling I had just to see him in a parking lot... then I think in my head that he knows what she sounds like having sex and knows intimate things about her and I can hardly breath when I think about it. I think that he got the best of her and when we are together I keep telling myself that she is thinking about it all the time and I find myself saying "I wonder if she is thinking about him right now". Like I mentioned I talked to her about it which she is getting totally sick of, and I don't blame her. She says that the only time she thinks about it is when I talk about it and if I keep bringing up she is going to leave me. Why am I doing this to myself? I start asking her where they were and how many times and stuff like that. What gets me panicked is when I take a step back and think about how I am acting it makes me think that I have a MUCH bigger problem that what I probably do. By thinking about this it makes me more worried that I'm nuts. I never used to think like this. Also, just my luck, every time I turn on the TV I somehow see him.... there are people at work who have posters and bobble heads of this person and no matter what I do or think it seems to be shoved down my throat all the time.

Anyway, thanks for listening to me *****... it really makes me feel better just to type this stuff. If I go on meds I will let you know what it is like and if I recommend them. I was on Zoloft about a year ago but I didn't stay on it long enough for it to have any effect on me.

Posted 12/10/2004 10:31 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Bob,

I think you're getting to the root of the issue.  I think it's low self-esteem - I'm dealing with the same issue.  I recently turned down a higher paying job (actyally, I quit on the first day - while I still had my old job) that would be closer to family.  I was on a 2 month paternity leave, and was already burned out at my current work.  I had a 8 wk old boy and was offered a higher paying job in a lower-cost city (38% lower!!!) but on my first day, I was depressed and felt like it was a demotion - the work was kindof a step back from where I already was.  I was so fragile, with my lack of sleep since the baby arrived, that I felt nausia and was feeling like I would "snap" or go crazy if I was there for 3 months.  The city didn't have many other opportunities - so in my fear, I stayed with my current job and city.  Needless to say, my wife and family were a little disappointed - they had gotten their hopes up.  I felt like I failed as a husband and father.  Because I broke under pressure at a critical decision point. 

So now I'm still at the same blah job, in an expensive city and we bought a condo to stay here for a while which puts more financial pressure on me. 

For 6 months now, I've been dwelling on how easy it would have been financially and help-wise (with family support for watching the baby, etc.)... but I made the choice to stay in a more difficult area because of the "possibilities" of what it could mean in my career.

I had a little depression and career burnout before the decision, but that first day of work and the decision I made put me over the edge.  I returned to my home to find out that I had ALREADY "snapped"!  I couldn't concentrate on anything.  My mind was moving a thousand words a second, I couldn't sleep, I lost my appetite.  I felt to empty inside.  Life felt hopeless.  I often went to bed hoping I'd wake up the day before my decision.

But now, like you, I'm trying to discover more about my personality.  I've realized that I must accept the decision I made, and accept that it was the right choice for us in the longrun.  If I had taken the other job, I may have resented my wife for her having us move there.  Now, I'm learning about how I've had control issues, low self-esteem, depression, and a lack of understanding MY authentic self.  So even though this may not be the best situation (I was also a perfectionist), I am still in a GOOD situation, and If I put my efforts and passion towards discovering who I am, and what is important to me (and my family) - I will succeed.  Even if it isn't financially.  I have to treat it as a blessing in diquise.

I've been using coping.org daily to keep me grounded.  I still have some subtle panic attacks and breakdowns, but I'm trying to counter it with a positive mindset.  It sounds like you can achieve your business objectives too. (as long as your mind is in the right place).  I often feel the slightest sign of hope gets me charged up, optimistic, and idealistic - but then the slightest sign of bad news sends me into a deeper depression.  It's such a crazy roller coaster of emotions. 

Don't worry about your girlfriend's ex - money isn't everything.  And if she didn't already WANT to be with you, she wouldn't be.  I'm sure she's frustrated, as you recognize.  So try and vent your feelings here or in a journal instead to her - that way she won't get so sick of hearing about it, and you'll have an outlet.

Sorry for the long email.  But I see that you and I are in a similar situation, so I figured you should see how your feelings are valid and there are people out here dealing with the same stresses.  Stay focused.

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