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It's ruining my relationship.

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Depression
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Posted 8/18/2007 3:59 PM (GMT 0)
I feel so low just now. I've called my boyfriend to say I won't be going out this evening because I need some "me time" after an incident last night. He wasn't happy because I'm going on holiday soon & understandably he wants us to spend time together. But I can't do it. There's no way I can go out feeling like this.

Brief history: Traumatic events in my childhood/teens led to self harm & moderate depression. I had a bad experience with a CPN so since then I've dealt with it myself. It was never constant depression, but I'd suffer from "black days" where I'd just stay in bed until it lifted. I was able to do this because I lived with a partner who was out at uni most of the day & thought I was too. He also worked at the weekends. I just thought this was the way I'd have to live my life. When I graduated a couple of years ago & I broke up with my ex, I started unravelling. I'd go out & get drunk & do other things which I now regret. I was in unstable relationships where it was a constant power battle.

Now, I'm at a point in my life where I'm sick of all this. I want to use my experience to help people so I'm working as a carer & am about to go back to uni to study mental health. I had to move back to my parents house due to a health problem, and ended up at the doctors at breaking point. I was constantly crying & moody & suicidal & had started self harming again after 7 years. I had too much to lose to let all this crap continue. The doctor gave me SSRI's, and about a fortnight after taking them, the effects kicked in. No more waking up wth my whole body feeling exhausted. No more coming home from work & going straight to bed. No more mood swings & feeling like I want to hurt myself.

However, my SSRI's did not pass the PMT test (the last week I've been feeling like hell) and they're also triggering off moderate panicky feelings. I can't let this thing beat me.

The main thing just now, is that it's affecting my current relationship. I've met the most amazing man in the entire world & I want to spend forever with him. I thought all my feelings were blunted & dead until I met him, but he gave me a new lease of life. Now the "honey moon" period is wearing off though, it's bringing out my neuroticness & insecurity & recently it's felt so tense. We've been having so many arguments over stupid things, usually started by me taking things the wrong way or feeling insecure. He loves me & suffers depression himself so he has been incredibly understanding, but I feel like I'm going to lose him. I feel like I'm not being the girlfriend I want to be for him & he's going to find someone else who's confident & stable.

I guess I just need some advice or stories from people who have also found depression affecting their relationships, and how they cope or deal with it?

Post Edited (*Fairy Dust*) : 8/18/2007 12:26:55 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 8/19/2007 2:15 AM (GMT 0)
Hi *Fairy Dust*,

Welcome to Healing Well. You'll find many very caring individuals with a lot of supportive advice. Interestingly enough, I'm on the other side of your situation, so I thought I'd give my two cents.

My wife has had depression issues most of her life and she has had ups and downs like you described. She has had self-esteem problems and poor self image. When we first got together, she used to say things like, "It's only a matter of time", "I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop", "You can do much better than me". Well, after a steady decline the past three years (we had a baby 2 1/2 years ago, so that may also have something to do with it), she decided four months ago that she wants to leave the family and marriage (not that she'd leave the kids, just that she doesn't want THIS family unit). She is very much (and has been for a while) a self-centered person. I don't mean that in a vain way, she doesn't talk well of herself. What I mean is that she is focused inward.

She has never been focused on me - ever - and I have complained about that periodically. I do EVERYTHING for her. She actually told me that I was "too romantic, too loving, too affectionate, and too thoughtful" because (we learned in therapy) she felt that she had to match what I do for her. I have explained that she doesn't, but she still feels the pressure. She has intimacy problems and doesn't have many friends at all. Certainly no close friends that live near us.

I suppose what I would suggest (of course, I don't know your relationship dynamic) is let your boyfriend help if he wants to be there for you. I know that's difficult for some with depression issues, but it's imperative if you want to keep your relationship. It is VERY difficult to feel helpless as I feel with my wife. She's gotten herself to a point now where she won't let me help her and, in fact, thinks that her depression is situational, not internal. She feels that if she's out of this family dynamic, that she'll be just fine. Even our therapist has told her that it's ridiculous, but she's steadfast.

I realize that when you are feeling particularly depressed, it's very hard to think of your partner. My wife's biggest problem (for me, anyway) is that she does not think of me. She never feels interested in doing things for me or focusing on me. I give my wife full body massages easily two or three times a week or more (not as much lately because of what is going on), but I haven't had even a back rub in maybe 9 months or more. It's not that I don't ask, either.

It's miserable to be in such a one-sided relationship. So, I hope that this isn't your problem, but if it is, maybe this could help give you the other perspective when it comes to someone in a relationship with someone who has depression problems.

Good luck with everything.

Rick...
Posted 3/1/2010 11:15 AM (GMT 0)
hello fairy dust. i am 17 years old.
i have the same problem as you do.
i have been with my boyfriend for almost two years now and 6 months ago i was diagnosed with depression.
since that moment my relationship with my boyfriend has gone totally downhill and im so scared that im going to loose him.
i always snap at him and raise my voice and feel so bad after. i get paranoid about where he is and what he's doing even though i know he would never cheat on me. i just cant help the feelings i get. he doesn't fully understand why im like this and that i cant control it.
im due to start counsiling next month and have asked him to come with me so he will have a better understanding of the illness.
he keeps telling me that he cant keep going on like this and that any other boy would of left me by now...
i love him so much and cant help but take my anger out on him because normally hes the only one thats there to take it out on.
i have just started the gym and i am looking of other ways to control my anger and depression before i end up loosing the best thing that has ever happened to me! i need to get my life back on track before i go and do something really stupid one day.
only my mum and boyfriend knows about my depression so its hard when other people dont understand why im like the way i am. i wish i could just tell them so they would understand and support me but im just worried that if they know they will laugh or not take me seriously.

i just need tips on how to control my emotions when im feeling down and not take it out on my loved ones.
Posted 3/1/2010 1:24 PM (GMT 0)
Fairy dust and Jodey,

Welcome to the forum.

Fairy dust, it sounds like you need a medication adjustment. Maybe something for anxiety. It sounds like your antidepressnat works, maybe you just need more. Talk to your doctor and let him know what is going on.

Jodey, Congrats on the gym. That can really help. Redirecting your emotions is a good idea and a good way to go. I hope that this works for you.

I hope that both of you can find some solace in life. Take things one day at a time and don't sweat the small stuff. STay in the now. I think that this will work for both of you. And again welcome to the forum. You will find that we have a lot of caring members here.

Singer, You ahve given some good advice to fairy dust. Thank you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 3/3/2010 10:56 PM (GMT 0)
As a guy who's been married for 27 years come next week, I think I know a couple things about what it takes to make a relationship work.  Here's my list that might help you have the same thing too:

1st:  Make sure the first thing you think about when you get up in the morning is what "you" can do today that will show your partner how much he/she's loved.  Whatever you do, don't ask, what the other person had better do to make "you" happy, or you're halfway down the road to nowhere.

2nd:  Relationships are not about what you "get" out of it, but what you give.  When both people live that way, it's so easy to enjoy life together, it's almost funny.  When I hear those horrible words, "She just isn't making me happy any more," I want to go, "well why should he/she?"  Good relationships are about giving, never what we got.

3rd:  Relationships are not about ownership, but about sharing. If a partner requires constant attention all the time.  If he/she needs to always know what you're doing, or if you can't take a vacation without him or her, then once again you're halfway down the wrong road.  I just got back from Cabo San Lucas Mexico where I spent a month with my dad and my wife loved every minute of it, even though she stayed home.  We used web-cam communication most days so we'd be in touch, but we did vacation apart and that's o.k., at least for relationships that are secure.  It's only those who are terrified the other is going to do something they don't approve of that gets things headed the wrong direction.

4th:  If you don't trust your partner 100% of the time over everything, then find someone else.  Relationships are about being true in heart, in body and even the checkbook.  If you can't trust the other with all the above, get out fast, but if you can, then you're headed the right way.

And finally, remember that children fight, adults just disagree and wow is there a difference.  I can't tell you the last time I really said a bad word to my wife, but of course why would I want to, when I really do love her so much?  When you're dealing with screaming and terror all the time, then I assure you that you'll never know anything else.

Loving is so easy, it really is, but love as adults not as a child and I promise you too will have 27 plus years of really enjoying the ride under your belt just like we have.  Bob.

Posted 6/4/2010 2:21 AM (GMT 0)
i suffer from the same thing except the fact that i have not shown my depression like you. I have unfortunately let it all build up inside me and it awful.
Posted 9/5/2010 12:49 AM (GMT 0)
I have had the same problem with my boyfirned in the past and there are a few things i do to stop me when i realise i'm being destructive or hurtfull.

One of the best ones is: think how you'd feel if he said or did that to you. That one has stopped me saying the wrong thing more than i can count.

Also, at the very start of our relationship i was really self-conscious and shy and i had really low self esteem and reading singer69's post reminded me of how i used to be. He lifted me out of it by paying me compliments and the truth is that if you get told something often enough than eventually you'll believe it. If your bf says he loves you then he does. If he compliments you then he does like that new haircut/dress/insert your body part here. It always seems easier to believe the bad stuff more than the good stuff. Just remind yourself that you deserve to be complimented as much as the next person and accept it. I've learned to say "thank you" instead of "oh you don't mean that".

I'd like to say good luck to you both and thanks to bob for the great advice x
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