I'm avoiding family and friends.

 I'm sorry to vent. I've had a lot of self pitty, and running thoughts. Saturday was a really good day. We went out as a family, my wife, son and myself. We had a pretty good time. Sunday, I had anticipation of a repeat, but as we drove to pick up my daughter for church, I argued badly with my wife about calling hour daughter ahead of time. We usually do, and she expects it. I would like it to be different and I've argued that we have to stop calling until we're there. So, for ten minutes of the drive we escalated until swearing. Of course I have regret, remorse and guilt about swearing in front of my son. My wife would not drop the subject, nor agree that I can try not calling. She argued without stop, loudly and was speeding from frustration. I swore that she had to slow down too. This kind of fight really gets to me. I end up wrecked for days.

I couldn't participate at church and sat out in the large foyer. It's a very large foyer, and could hold over 2000 people. There is a video feed of the sermon too, so I could hear it. The sermon had to do with letting go and trying not to fall into anger. What a hoot, and I again felt deep remorse and guilt.

So, now it's Tues. and I've been sulking for two full days. Not sleeping and not talking to anyone, not taking calls, not going anywhere, etc... I tried to talk myself out of writing this vent too. I'm sure journaling it would end in some rambling poetry, like it has for many days now. It seems the only time I can sort out my thoughts is during times like this. Being online has become natural for me over more than a decade, and being more or less anonymous gives me a sense of freedom to vent.

However, even doing this I feel guilt. Being a ninny, a self pittying twit like this also feels like doltish low self esteem. I'm putting myself in this place. It's harder to me that I know too much about my own psychological state, and then feel like there is a line I don't want to cross in the backsliding direction. But, here I am, a backslide, remorse, guilt, and shaming myself into self pitty. I feel ridiculous and run my mind into the  self loathing. That's what I mean when I state that knowing my psychological state is a line not to cross. I want the freedom to complain, but I don't want to burdon others. Silly nonsense, because you can just not read this.

But, some of you will and regret it, kind of like, gee this guy knows how to waste time.

Hi Sleepy,

Whether or not you wanted to call, which I am not sure, you have a right to your opinion. And you are not wasting anybody's time here. This is a good place to come and vent. And I am glad that you did. It is so hard raising kids these days as it is. And the arguing does not help. Life is too short to keep arguing and to me it is a waste of time. I am sorry that it had to come to that. But I would like to say that you do have a choice as to whether you dwell over the situation or not. And that is a waste of time too. Journal what you would like to do and say to your wife and then put it away until the time comes. Start doing other things instead of going over in your mind about it. You can lead a productive life by doing this. Forget about it and go on with things that you would like to do. You have let it ruin two days and that is not worth it. You are punishing yourself when you need not be.

I agree that counseling would be a good choice for you right now. You could use some support and an objective opinion about how your life is going. And that support can really help you to push through the clouds and get somewhere in a productive way. Spending time in a productive way is so important.

I hope that you can get through the turmoil. Know that your opinion counts when it comes to raising your children. But try not to argue in front of them, it will make them insecure and you don't want that.

I hope that things work out for you. open up to the idea of counseling. And have a wonderful day.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen

 

I checked into what my church offers for counseling. They've got a 12 session program.

Now, will I contact them?

Let me explain. I've had many years using counseling. I've had some very bad experiences, and I would say two good and one pretty good. The last was just last year with my wife. We took on two hours of counseling a week, and it was Christian based. The counseling just prior, which was about 6 months before, and had lasted over 3 months was with a educated and well trained counselor, who understood addictions, depression and many other issues. It was with her that I found out generic Welbutrin XL did not work for me. I have to have the brand name. Apparently the time release mechanism is different. That 3 months ended when I discovered I would file for divorce. I did so, lost $11,000 in the process, and failed to follow up with it. I went back to my abusive wife. I had to take care of my son.

Yet, here I sit, knowing I'm a wrecked shell. I've not been able to find a job for two years of looking. I've not looked very hard most of that, but I've put out around 400 applications. I've had 5 contacts and 3 interviews. No one has hired me yet. I've gotten to where I have to beg my wife for gas money, to my mini-van (used for my contractor job) and have fear the van will be repossessed any moment. I woke up last night and thought I noticed a light into my driveway. I got up to check if it was a repossesor.  The very small flooring job I had two weeks ago was taken by my bank. and I am so overwhelmed by calls from credit banks I have unplugged the phone. I 've asked my wife to make the car payment, and we took our son out of after school care for that purpose. Yet she now refuses. I'm being told what to do at every turn, I am so freaked out by her over bearing demands that I do what she tells me, that I can't sleep.

Last night I went down stairs. She called after me to demand where I was going. I stated I needed to try and take my mind off things. She demanded that I promise this would be the last night I do that. I've done it many nights now. I refused to agree to that, and by the time her demanding, hands on hips arguing ended I was screaming at the top of my lungs for her to shut up!!!! She didn't. It breaks me to have to demand that I be asked, that an inquiry of what I need be the normal part of our discussions. That I will not respond to yelled, or coerced demands. But, she goes on with it. She continued her stuff last night for about a half hour. She refused to leave me alone. This was 3AM. I was up for another 2 hours. It's as if she is trying to give me a heart attack??

So, back to counseling. I've had so much experience with it that a 12 week session program will waste my time. I know I wont get anywhere near to what I could discuss in such a short time. I have so much to get out, go over, dissolve from my psyche and put away. Why bother? I don't suggest you suggest to me that I should just do it. DO you have money to drive for 45 minutes one way, when you have to beg your wife gas money? Do you fear any moment that your transportation will disappear? She picked our church. It happens to be 45 minutes away. It's a great church. I like it, and it's been worth going to for the sermon. But, the kick in the teeth is that we and I can't participate in anything. It's distance is too prohibitive. We have tried to find a church for 16 years prior to this one. It's been the best. So, we've accepted the distance. But, now it is at my peril, for lacking resources.

I got us to try another church 4 months ago, we even went 3 times. But, it failed to attract the family. It was only 2 minutes away. It was very small. A huge difference from where we had been going, and the pastor retired after the first service we attended (for cancer). The other pastor, we liked very much, but our son did not like the Sunday school program. I accepted that as the need to go back to the huge church, far away.

It's that church I would possibly consider if I had some means to go, but I don't. So, here I sit, complaining, venting, stricken by deep depression and gripped by doom and gloom.

I have absolutely no hope and I don't want anyone to convince me otherwise. As I type this very moment I am getting another bank call. The only one who got my cell number. That should end soon. My cell will be cut off any moment also. I just don't want any of anything, and I don't want anyone to tell me to wait it out, or anything that is possitive.

I know the only possitive thing in my life are my kids, and that I could offer something, if anyone would hire me, or give me a job to work as their flooring/tiling contractor. I am not getting anywhere, and I've run out of juice to give anything a try. What I don't know is how long something like this will last. I only want to know that soon, I will wake up, have energy, want to get going and do something?

But, right now I just want to cry in frustration.