My sisters death

I was a "regular" on the lupus board up until 1 1/2 ago then my entire life was engulfed by the illness and following death of   my younger sister.  I have been bound  by all the pain the death brought to my life.  The manner of her death was a shock.   After caring for my sisters remains in a decent manner,funeral ect.   Months later my parents  “dumped” her belongings I hadn’t  previously dispersed at my home.   I am in so much pain.   I ache for the lack of love and respect for my sister.   Pain for failing my sister during her life, and now I am under the realization that I am only “wanted” when I can give what people need.   I have no one who truly loves me.   I am a cashier in life.   I have wasted my whole life and the only person who loved me is now gone.   All that is left is a sad excuse of a human being.    How was I captivatived by what I thought was love when I it was just people using me?   Is there any hope? I am so depressed.   I will take no answer as an answer, all the best.

(((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))) Julia,
Sounds like there is a lot more to your story than you can express in just a few sentences. I am so very sorry for your loss. It is so very very hard to lose someone you love, and who loves you. And when you are not well yourself, it is extra hard because people seem to drift away from people who are sick. I lost my very best friend to cancer and lost pretty much the rest of my friends when I came down with Lyme disease and slept my life away for 2 years. What happened to your sister? And how are you feeling physically?

I tried to help her, I tried so very hard. I gave her everything flew across the country it was just to late. She was depressed. Then she drank. Then she got cirrhosis, then pancreatic cancer no one, other then her knew until she passed.  She didn't tell anyone.  She just told me she was dying. She was in so much pain, I didn't know why. She had no insurance. She was 80 pounds. The pancreatic cancer was killing her and so was the pain. She self medicated and passed away.

Post Edited (Juliaa) : 3/4/2010 9:57:40 AM (GMT-7)

Thank you for all your lovely and warm things to say.  My seizures have been getting worse over the last few months and it have been difficult with the lupus.  My sister passed in June but the wound keeps being opened by my family.  My only other sister didn't go to the funeral.  I arranged to "big" an affair, "it was upsetting".  She instead went to a wedding.  My trepidation about life extends from experience.  The profound realization  about my family came with  tardiness and a gullible heart.  And Star~ I will take it as hope.

Post Edited (Juliaa) : 3/4/2010 4:12:12 PM (GMT-7)

Dearest Juliaa , I am so sorry you are feeling so much pain , I know how difficult it can be .Please remember you are loved and cared about and have worth , because you do .Try not to focus on the actions of others so much , people act strangley sometimes in stessful situations like losing a loved one .Just know you gave love in an honorable way and that you cared , we can't ever tell what others will do . Have you tried speaking to a therapist Juliaa ? They can guide you thru stessful times and have done wonders for me I can tell you .Please try , don't isolate yourself , you sound like a loving person ,maybe you can volounteer helping somewhere ,it works wonders and is very fullfilling .And please remember you have friends here anytime .

Thank you again. This all began this week with the reading of her autopsy, I know shouldn't have, but had to have closer. She was and is a person who deserved my respect. I had to know how her life ended, as I had known how it began. In the seemly careless acts of my family. My husband said things that made me feel unloved.  I now know he was sad and angry about my sisters death too. Your words help me find that peace, thank you.  I am looking at my father mother ect and the lack of normal life we all had. I miss her. Thank you for all your advise, please know your words are a comfort.

Post Edited (Juliaa) : 3/6/2010 3:54:45 PM (GMT-7)