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Loss of Nerve With Rageaholic Wife

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Posted 11/21/2009 4:41 AM (GMT 0)
First time I've initiated a thread. Will keep it simple.

I've been walking on eggshells around my wife for 20 years. Not to demonize her, but when I first heard the word "rageaholic," I thought, yeah, that's it. She's much better lately, but still has some terrible episodes of depression.

They're characterized by her withdrawing and then turning on me. Though she's a wonderful, giving woman, when in this phase, she'll say any vile thing that comes into her head with no concerns over having to walk it back later. My biggest priority with her is being careful not to say or do anything to set her off, to let the sleeping dog of her rage lie.

Worse, in some ways, she doesn't believe in talking. If it comes from me, it's automatically to be discounted. Basically, she acts like we're only in a marriage of convenience (because of finances and raising a somewhat developmentally delayed teenager). My love for her flags, also because she seldom takes advantage of my ability to listen, which I've always assiduously cultivated.

To make a long story short, in some ways, I'm no dream husband (tend to be too involved in my own projects). But, while I'm not a Christian, the phrase "purpose-driven life" describes me to a T. Meanwhile, even when my wife's at her best, there's always this slight undercurrent of depression, ennui, whatever you want to call it (lots of Scrabble, etc., on the computer). Yes, she's used medication at times and would probably use it again, but only if she felt it necessary.

Why am I writing? I guess I'd like contributors to HealingWell's forum to: 1. Urge me to stop being such a coward and stand up to her. 2. Urge me to spend more time with her just hanging out (very hard for me; I'm active to a fault). 3. Tell me that one day she'll stop blaming me for her problems.
Posted 11/21/2009 4:52 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Deproliferator,

First of all, welcome to the forum. You have come to a good place where you will get plenty of support.

Yes you have to stand up to your wife, but you also need to continue your projects as that is what makes you the person that you are. Walking on eggshells is hard, I did that around my mother. Nothing to upset her you know. But that isn't living. You need to be the person that you are and if she doesn't like that, it is her problem. So keep on with your projects, stand up for yourself and live life.

I hope that I am not sounding too blunt. But I (we are) am giving you permission to be yourself. Best wishes to you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 11/21/2009 10:39 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you, Karen! Incidentally, my wife suffers from fibromyalgia too. So I always try to take that into consideration.
Posted 11/22/2009 1:56 AM (GMT 0)
Hi D,

Welcome to HW.  Sorry for all you're going through.  Have you ever considered marriage counseling?

frances

Posted 11/22/2009 2:14 AM (GMT 0)
Deproliferator, I sympathize with your situation. Nobody should be the victim of verbal abuse. Have you tried marriage counseling? Her anger is her own responsibility, not yours, but maybe there are specific things you can do or avoid doing that could mitigate your wife's angry responses to you. Right now, "walking on eggshells" you are only guessing and hoping. If she won't talk to you, maybe having a mediator would help.

Mostly I felt compelled to write because of your second post above. Fibromyalgia is pervasive and terribly painful. If you want some insight about chronic long-term terrible pain, you could check out the chronic pain forum. Chronic pain can change personalities and this may be a source of your wife's depression and anger. It could explain why she is loving and giving sometimes, and angry and depressed at other times. Fibromyalgia is not a well-understood syndrome. There is evidence that some cases of fibromyalgia are caused by a virus or a bacteria. These are treatable. Another thing that might make your life at home better, if it is not already the case, is to support your wife in getting excellent medical care to manage the symptoms of her fibromyalgia, and, if it seems appropriate, to investigate possible causes.

Good luck to you.

Rose
Posted 11/22/2009 3:04 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you, Frances and Rose. (Rose: I like "I have Lyme; it doesn't have me.")

Re marriage counseling: For my wife's part, she wouldn't commit to the marriage enough to do that. For my part, I don't think I can bear to have any more stuff slung in my face.

Sounds like a marriage in name only, I know. No sex life anymore. I honestly think she neither likes, respects, nor loves me. (Especially tough because in the circles I travel in, everyone treats me with fondness and respect.) Yet, at age 50 and with intermittent bouts of fibromyalgia, I don't think she has any long-term plans to leave me if only because I'm a good helpmate.

At this point, I'm only looking for a harmonious household in which we can lead productive lives and raise our son, who needs so much help. Aside from her anger, her lack of joie de vivre (shared by countless others these days with the world the way it is!) nevertheless weighs on me.

As far as disease altering the personality, that was the case in the early years of our marriage when my wife was truly often on a rampage. She suffered with undiagnosed hepatitis C (and suffered liver damage). Once she went through successful treatment, her personality changed significantly for the better. Again, I want to emphasize that she's a wonderful person who just has a problem.

I only joined this community 24 hours ago, but already I feel a lot better. I've been telling myself today, in a sort of affirmation, "I may lack certain characteristics that make me the ideal husband. But I'm pretty secure in the job I'm doing as both a husband and father." Had a great day with the kid today.

Finally, as a person who's grappled with: 1. problems with my brain chemistry, 2. a food disorder, 3. drug abuse, and 4. alcoholism, I hope to share what I've learned with others in the forum who are hurting.

Thanks again.
Posted 11/22/2009 4:37 AM (GMT 0)
I wrote a post to youn but must have not submitted it, because I dont' see it. I was also going to mention you check out the fibormyalgia forum to get some more insight as to how your wife feels. There is a wealth of information there. It woudl be worth taking a look.

I agree with the others, you shouldn't have to live like this, and counseling for you both sounds like a very good idea. You need to get some open communication going and I think that things could be better.

Not only do you have pain with fibro, but you have a relentless fatigue. It is drowning. I had it so bad, I could barely stand. I slept for two years. And I am not exagerating.

I hope that things do work out for you. Keep posting and let us know how things are going.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 11/22/2009 5:22 AM (GMT 0)
"I wrote a post to youn but must have not submitted it, because I dont' see it."

After you post a few more times, Karen, you might get the hang of it! (Kidding, of course.)

A bunch of my wife's friends and a woman where I work have fibro and I've learned a lot about it. Also, I used to have low-grade chronic fatigue for years, but it doesn't compare with the fibro.

Communication, yeah. But some people just don't believe in it. Instead, "actions speak louder than words" to them. I can see their (or hers -- my wife's) point. But I live and breathe communication.

Thanks again. May visit a fibro thread.
Posted 11/22/2009 5:45 PM (GMT 0)
communication is the key in any relationship. Maybe she needs to learn some communication skills. Does she go to any counseling? I think that it would do her good.

I am glad that you are such an open person. That is a good quality. But I know that it is hard when your partner doesn't talk. My first husband was that way. He never liked to talk about things. He just kept everything inside, then down the road, something would be bothering him from the past and it would come out. Usually throwing me way off guard. I did not like that. I figure if something is bothering a person, they should talk about it at the time. But I guess some people just don't like to open up.

But here you will have many people to talk to. That is what this site is all about. So keep positng with your concerns. We are here for you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 4/5/2010 1:46 PM (GMT 0)
I'm pretty late to this thread so I don't know if you will get it. You're situation sounds like my mother and father years ago. I think certain personalities "find" each other. Dad is gone now and we miss him every single day. He was a saint. Mom has Alzheimers and is now, as sweet as an angel but she was hell to live with when Dad was alive. Dad never did stand up to her. She berated and belittled him, and us, constantly. Once he died, she never stopped crying. Stand up to your wife. She is a bully. My mother has wonderful qualities too. When she wasn't raging, she could be generous and kind but we all walked on eggshells. We never knew what would trigger an explosion of anger or rage from her. The first one home from school or work was the "scout" to alert the others on what kind of mood she was in. No one crossed her. I believe that if Dad had stood up to her, she would have backed down, as all bullies do. She may have screamed and raged, and then pulled a martyrdom of psychosomatic ailments because of it (my heart, or my head), but I believe it would have worked.

Don't leave her. Your child needs you there. But he or she also needs you to defend yourself.
Posted 4/5/2010 2:46 PM (GMT 0)
Magda212,

I would just like to welcome you to the forum. I can so relate to your situation with your mother. My mother was the same way. You never knew what was going to set her off. It effected me for a long time. Even into my 20's. Eventually I had to stay away from her to protect my own health. She was actually making me ill. The stress from being around her.

If you feel comfortable with it, start a thread of your own to introduce yourself to us. We would like to get to know you better.

I hope that you have a great day.

Hugs, Karen
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