I can't

Hi. I'm new here. I also go to a personal counselor (1 or 2x a month), I have a support group, as well as friends who are going through similar situations as me, I have very supportive family members, and recently, a spiritual mentor from my church who is older and wiser than me - - all things put in place in my life that I do believe will be helpful.
HOWEVER, I don't seem to be moving forward in my struggles, I feel stuck on a plateau of bad feelings and depression. I find myself not even wanting to forgive, and each day pulling away from my husband more & in my mind, I think "I hate him". I don't want to hate him, but this keeps going through my mind. Several times a day. I hate to be home with him, and I don't even like him to touch me or kiss or hug me anymore. I used to put all my efforts and energy into our relationship, and now it's like I'm so tired of it. I"m so tired of caring. I'm getting nothing in return for my loyalty.

Back up the story: We've known each other for almost 8 years now, married for 6. He's a sex addict (I didn't know - was naive- to this prior to our getting married. If I had known, I would NOT have married him) He has lied to me throughout our entire relationship. I thought the world of him in the beginning, and each year it gets worse and worse (as I have found out more of the truth). supposedly I know the whole truth know, about his sexual exploits with other women during our relationship. This is more than devastating to me. It was my dream to be a virgin until I was married, and to marry a virgin too. This world is so messed up, you can't even find a good, pure man. He was married and divorced before meeting me. I thought I loved him enough anyway. I hate being a "second wife" - - but anyway, that's not even the issue anymore.
The issue is there is NO TRUST in our relationship. I am always skeptical. I have no hope for our relationship in the future, it will always be marred. I believe that he loves me and wants to be healed from this addiction. But it sickens me so much - that I don't even want to wait around anymore to see if we can have a good relationship. I hate sex b/c all I can think about is how many hundreds of women have touched him too. He has gone to strip clubs and massage parlors. I want to vomit even typing that. I hate those women. I hate him for going there. I hate the owners of sick, evil places like that. I also feel sad for those women - to be groped by strange men with addictions and perverts.

I despise divorce over the reasons that people just don't feel like trying - - also, we have two beautiful children together, whom we both love very much. they are 3 and 1 - so we have a lot of years ahead of us to be a family! I want my children to be with their dad, and not in a split home. He's a good dad (sort of, I mean, he loves them a ton, but I do wish he'd make an effort to interact with them more)
However, I become the martyr then, to give them the home I hope for them. I have to suffer in a relationship that sickens me. I feel dirty and used and of course, betrayed. I feel out of control. I feel that I have no options. I haven't even mentioned here all the issues that my husband has -- besides sex addiction, he is incredibly self=absorbed, he never does anything special for me, doesn't even think about me in conversation, everything is ALL about him. He spends our money frivolously, he has no self-control. All promises are empty. I could go on and on. He has several mental health issues, and obsessive-compulsive thoughts and overeating issues too. He is a fruitcake! Sorry, but that's how I feel. I feel like we are just roommates who share kids. He does pay all our bills on time and provides a nice home to live in (I do work too - in addition to raising our kids, I provide fairly good income, but he's the breadwinner). He wants to be a good man and good husband - - but it just isn't happening. I don't see enough changes.

And it's not that I require too much.(I do not shop or spend money besides groceries! I don't expect him to do much around the house, we have fairly equal domestic duties, that we both agreed upon) I just want a real relationship. I want him to invest in me emotionally. I want him to respond to me when I tell him a specific need that I have, instead of ignoring me like I'm not important. Him and his needs are always important to him, and he expects them to be important to me too. But when it comes to something I'm struggling with, he kind of gives me quick, cliche answers and then just shrugs and says "well, I don't know what to tell you". He offers me no emotional support, doesn't seem to attempt to build up our relationship. He says he wants to be married to me, but I feel so invisible.

It has been almost 2 years since I learned of the sexual addiction - well actually, one year since I knew fully all the horrid details. The stress of having a baby didn't help my recovery. Oh, and my oldest sister (who was my best friend and confidant) - knew what I was dealing with in my marriage, but then turned around and had an affair and left her AWESOME husband and two kids for a total loser of a guy. I hate her now - she betrayed my trust, friendship, totally went against everything our extended family stands for. She had no reason to leave her husband, it was only selfish reasons. She even said her ex (my bro-in-law) didn't do anything, it was all her. I hate her because she had a wonderful man and threw him away. I have a crap-case for a husband, and I feel completely stuck in my situation, just because I am loyal and stick to my morals. I'd like to leave him for a good man (or actually, just to be single, not sure I would be able to trust anyone ever again) - - but I won't go through with it because I love my kids too much to make them live in a split home.

I don't know what to do anymore. My counseling doesn't seem to help much - - I can't force myself to forgive or to "let it go" or to believe that what my husband does shouldn't affect me. Of course it does, he promised to be loyal to me and he deliberately chose to lie and betray me.
I carry so much hatred, and that is NOT who I want to be - not who I used to be. I wish I could go back to the days before I met him and not be so naive.
I could type for hours... this is therapeutic. Unfortunately, I know that once I stop typing and leave the computer - it's back to reality and nothing that anyone can say will make the past go away.

I love Jesus and I will follow him all of my days - but what He requires of me in the area of forgiveness - - I just don't understand how to do it. It hurts SO much.
I know that most of what I said is not how a Christian is "supposed" to think. I don't want to give Christianity a bad name. I am just being blatantly honest with how I feel, and I am depressed because I have these thoughts of hatred swirling around in my head and heart - and I don't want to feel this way. I want to love and be forgiving, and act Christ-like. I just struggle so much with how to truly act and feel this way - without it being a front. How to truly let-go of sins that have affected me that were out of my control. I don't know how people move on from sexual trauma in their lives. I wish there was an "easy button" to push. Or an eraser for the pain.

Thanks for reading.

Hi BW,

So sorry to hear what you have gone through. It's a heartbreaking thing to go into a marriage with expectations and hopes only to go through the kind of disappointment etc. you have.

Now, on a practical note: First things first: Is your husband in therapy? What sort of accountability do the two of you have in place to ensure he has stopped this behavior?

Most people will tell you that staying together for the kids isn't a good reason. If staying makes you miserable, how is that helping your kids?

Of course you feel hate for your husband. That is a normal feeling for what he did. It doesn't matter what our faith is or who we are, when someone betrays to that degree, the human response is naturally hatred. Forgiveness is something that begins as a choice, and can take years to finally take root on an emotional level. It took me ten years to forgive the last person who betrayed me in a very deep way. So don't beat yourself up. Forgiveness is something we grow into just like we grow into learning how to love better, how to serve etc. Keep praying for it, but also remember that just because you forgive someone, it doesn't mean they are worthy of your trust or that you should stay with them.

When the bible says God hates divorce, the context is important. He was speaking to people at a time when men could divorce their wives for any reason whatsoever. They didn't need a judge. The man would just write the certificate and send his wife away. No justice there. Of course God hates that! But do you really think God is against divorce when it means the destruction of someone's self esteem, their dreams, their happiness etc. if they stay married? Think about it. And ask Him for courage and wisdom to make the decision that is right for you, okay? I say this because I care and don't want to see you chain yourself to something because of a wrong belief about how God feels on these things.

If the marriage can be healed and your husband is undergoing treatment etc., then there could be a wonderful happy ending. But if the marriage began on a lie, and was not meant to be (I'm not saying it wasn't, but IF it wasn't), then staying isn't going to change that. i.e. two wrongs don't make a right. But maybe it was meant to be OR maybe it can be redeemed. Only you can answer that.

Having said that, I DO hope you and your h can find a way to get past this. Just that if you stay, stay for the right reasons. And understand that addiction recovery and trust recovery and forgiveness ALL are long haul things. You both need to be committed to walking through a healing process. I'm sure you already know that you can't just sweep the past under the rug, and expect things to be fine. It will take A LOT of work from both of you to get past this and rediscover each other again. It can be done though.

Church support is great, but generally cannot replace the need for a skilled therapist or psychologist etc. when it comes to your husband's issues, as well as your marital issues. Hope you can find professional help - giving yourselves all the (necessary) tools you can find to help you heal.

sincerely, manyembers

Post Edited (manyembers) : 4/27/2010 2:09:18 PM (GMT-6)

You have gotten some wonderful advice. I hope that you can use it to your benefit. Forgiving is hard sometimes, but not impossible. Forgetting is the hard part. That is when we have to put the past behind us and move forward. Know that we all stand behind you and understand your situation for waht it is. I know that this isn't going to be easy for you. Take this one day at a time. Best wishes with your counseling. I hope that you can get him to go to counseling too.

Keep us posted, and know that we all care.

Hugs, Karen

Betrayedwife,

I am so happy that you posted. I hope that things are going better for you now. Know that we all truly care and are here for support. Come here whenever you need. We will always be here for you.

Take each day, one day at a time. One moment at a time if you have to. It keeps us in the NOW. That is so important for healing. I hope that you are feeling better, and thank you again for posting. Keep in touch.

Hugs, Karen