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I think I hate my life.

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Posted 5/25/2010 2:00 AM (GMT 0)
Ok let me just start out by giving my entire life story so I can even think of where I want to start. I will try to be fast

4th grade- Parents divorced, never got a long in the first place, I was basically an accident I wasn't a planned child I don't know if that bothers me or not. I don't blame myself for them getting divorced
6th grade- I move from California to wisconsin with my dad to his new wife.
7th grade- spent the school year in California
(don't really remember much from these two years i probably forced myself to forget them)
8th grade move back to wisconsin my dad starts to ocd about everything I do. I start to bottle my feelings, and for a short period of time i self inflected hard upon myself.
9th grade- he has either gotten more controlling or I have gotten smarter and now know what controlling is.(by now it seems like he tries to control how many times I breath in a day) I eventually simply cannot bottle my feelings any more and I move back to callifornia which really only is me running away from the problem.
10th grade(present day) I am living with my mother which I realize is almost as much of a chore to live with as my dad.

Final thoughts, I do not love my mother or my father. For the first time ever I have considered killing myself. (about to call suicide prevention so don't worry) I am unhappy, and right now I pretty much hate everything that moves.

I am a male by the way. any constructive thoughts and feelings would be nice thank you.
Posted 5/25/2010 5:10 AM (GMT 0)
Kyle - Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you've been through a ton within a short time span. I remember when I was really down and contemplating suicide, my boyfriend at the time talked me into getting counseling. The counselor told me that usually people are prone to depression if they have more than 3 big life changes within a short time frame. So I don't blame you at all for having difficulty at this time.

The good news for you is that you are on your way to being 18:) I don't know what your plans are for the future, but if you can go away to college, that is a great time to get away from the parents. If they are the biggest source of your depression, it may do you some good to be able to branch out on your own away from them. In the meantime, I would suggest journeling, blogging, seeking counseling, etc. to try to cope. Sometimes, even medication will help you get through a hard time and when you are stable and settled, you can go off of it (with the help of a doctor of course). You have many years ahead and you (and most of the fun stuff happens later, you just have to wait for it:))

Blue Bunny blush
Posted 5/25/2010 7:53 AM (GMT 0)
blue bunny makes sense mate. i have been down that destructive path. my upbringing was savage, but it does not have to rule your future. you have been brave in sharing, keep being brave and seek some assistance. keep posting kyle. sending compassionate thoughts your way. jamie.
Posted 5/25/2010 1:54 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks guys, I called the suicide help line yesterday and he suggested I get some counseling, I called my dad yesterday and left a voice mail, so today I'll follow up. I really feel like I'm close to figuring something out. but i don't know what the hell it is.
Posted 5/25/2010 4:03 PM (GMT 0)
This could be a feeling that you get when you are starting to heal. Once you feel better, you wont question what it is. The healing process is so unique to all of us. Just try to enjoy it.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/25/2010 7:53 PM (GMT 0)
As much as I would like to go to counseling, I can not afford it. And to my own disappointment my father refuses to pay for any counseling.
On the phone I told him one major thing that was bothering me. "You know I really wish I could just look up and think, I really love my parents, But I can't really say that right now." Pretty much though out the entire conversation my dad was not understanding at all and does not believe that depression is even a real disorder.
Posted 5/25/2010 7:59 PM (GMT 0)
If anyone knows anybody a number a church anything someone I could talk to and get constructive feedback with please let me know I would be very grateful. Thank you.
Posted 5/25/2010 10:09 PM (GMT 0)
hey kyle--where are you located? i'm sure there is a support group somewhere or even a teen hotline you could call that is free. sometimes churches or schools will provide counseling to their students.

i'm glad you've taken the first step though by trying to climb out of the hole you are in and trying to get help. it's the hardest part so you are making progress. even though your dad does not acknowledge your depression, know that it is very real.

another thing to think about is that maybe your mom and/or dad had hard childhoods and thus is the reason they are acting as such to you. they probably have their own issues that they never learned to handle and now you are the one that is suffering for it. but, you can be the bigger person and actually do something about it.

i applaud you kyle. check with your school/local church and i'm sure that they may have suggestions for you.
Posted 5/25/2010 10:13 PM (GMT 0)
Kyle,

Try talking to your councelor at school. That would really help to get you pointed into the right direction. Any local mental health facility would have some ideas too. There are programs for people who can't afford to get help. I am going to post a few sites that could help you right now.

http://moodgym.com

http://teenhut.com

http://teenhelp.com

http://nineline.com

I hope that some of these sites can help you.

Keep posting and know that we are all here for you.

Posted 5/25/2010 10:42 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Kyle,



Wow, I see what you're going through and it's very hard. But you said 10th grade right? Well my dear your school years are almost over, you're gonna graduate! I felt the same way you did a year ago or so, but not anymore. I can see where you're coming from though, I think that you should keep holding on, because you're almost 18 right? So when you're 18 you can live on your own, own an apartment or so, you're almost to the gates of light! Please don't give up now, I know that it may seem hard because it may seem like a long time until you're 18 but believe it or not, you are almost there, just hang on, it'll be worth it! : )



-Hugs and love,
Adela
Posted 5/25/2010 11:05 PM (GMT 0)
I've IM'd my dad this conversation. I am just really confused right now. I tried not to over react but that is definentally how i felt at the time. please give advice for any follow up. I have not edited this at all. Exactly how I posted to him. Sorry If i sound ungreatful or mean, but i've tried suger coating my feelings but that hasn't worked. And its not exactly easy to tell your parents you don't feel loved. and you don't love them either.
I am just going to leave my computer on so you will get this when you sign on
1:15 PM

I am going to use this like a diary so you can truly see what I am thinking
1:15 PM

Dad- Why am I sad.
1:15 PM

Don't feel loved
1:15 PM

don't feel trustr
1:15 PM

feels like I can hear the suspission in your voice when you talk to me
1:16 PM

always concerned that I am going to throw my life away to drugs
1:16 PM

offends me when i can tell you don't trust me
1:16 PM

makes me not want to trust you
1:16 PM

but i don't like to lie so i tell you the truth anyways
1:17 PM

both you and my mom are severly disfunctional including myself
1:17 PM

mom doesn't belive a word you say so it is hard to just say she is crazy and ignor her
1:17 PM

something must have happened for her to be so hateful of you
1:17 PM

but i don't belive her 100%
1:17 PM

probably closer to 10%
1:18 PM

does not seem like you are very understanding
1:18 PM

that hurts
1:19 PM

trying to change my behavior, but I cant change yours, not only a double standerd but hipacitic aswell
1:19 PM

I have already developed my morals and values, my sense of right and wrong
1:19 PM

I can tell when you try to hint at me not doing drugs
1:19 PM

its VERY OBVIOUS
1:20 PM

You are too worried about me doing drugs that you aren't focusing on whats imporant
1:20 PM

MY GOD darn FEELLINGS
1:21 PM

Even when I called u on the phone tried to tell u how i felt
1:21 PM

oh vickies parents did this vickeis parents did that
1:21 PM

*** are you tried to do?
1:21 PM

make me feel even crapier
Edited 5/25/10 1:33 PM - Kyle Davis

I understand that they are going through much more then I am, that is just like saying stop being a baby get over it. THAT DOESN'T HELP AT ALL
1:22 PM

http://www​.depressio​nisreal.or​g/
1:22 PM

just a show of your ignorence and how it affects more then you think
1:22 PM

You do not understand how intelligent I am, and how much thought I put into everysingle thing I do.
1:25 PM

I am not saying I have depression but I am saying that i could be sad for some reason beyond my control
1:25 PM

or for some reason I am unaware of, because i have spent so much time trying to "be a man" and just live with it
1:26 PM

expressing your feelings are not gay
Edited 5/25/10 1:30 PM - Kyle Davis

This message has been removed.
1:31 PM

http://www​.dbsallian​ce.org/sit​e/PageServ​er?pagenam​e=about_de​pression_o​verview
1:32 PM

I am just going to add to this when ever i figure out how i am feeling
1:34 PM

i do not hate you
1:34 PM

i don't feel "loved"
1:36 PM

if a persons body can have defects why can't the way they think have defects
1:36 PM

I DO NOT LIE TO YOU
1:36 PM

UNDERSTAND THAT NOW
1:40 PM

remember in the 4th grade when i would just be cringed over because i was in so much stress
1:40 PM

I layed in bed for FOUR DAYS
1:55 PM

I'm done protecting everyones feelings
1:56 PM

im done hiding how i feel
3:49 PM

but regardless of how hurt i am I will always want to get along and love you. You are my dad. and I will start with that great advice I will start treating you the way I want you to treat me. Even if you don't.
Posted 5/25/2010 11:30 PM (GMT 0)
I like your last statement. To treat people the way that you want to be treated. We should all do that. And I think most of us do.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/26/2010 2:56 AM (GMT 0)
KEEP WITH THE JOURNELLING. IT IS VERY CARTHARTIC. HERE FOR YOU. JAMIE.
Posted 5/26/2010 4:02 AM (GMT 0)
I feel a little sad for my dad that his only son doesn't love him, but i guess i can't let that bring me down even more. I want to build a relation ship with him. I don't really know where to start though. any ideas?
Posted 5/26/2010 12:39 PM (GMT 0)
Start slowly, maybe have coffee together and talk a little. Let him know that you want a relationship. And take it as it comes. This is really important and can pave way for the rest of your lives. I am glad that you want to reach out to your father.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/26/2010 4:06 PM (GMT 0)

Kyle~

Thank you for sharing this tough story with us. In some ways I feel that we kind of have a similar story. My parents divorced, and my mom is now with a horrible boyfriend and my dad is dead. I don't want to get into to much detail because this isn't about me, its about you. But, I have thought about  as well. . And I even sat in bed telling myself that nobody wanted me around anymore. The truth is, there is someone out there that needs you and wants you here. I can understand how much your life isn't working for you right now and it's super hard to even realize that some how it could get better. I never thought mine would, my dad, my grandma, my friend, my co worker, and my cheer coach are all dead and my mom is a huge drinker with an boyfriend who is verbally abusive to me and my brother. I really didn't think that my life was even worth fixing and that nobody wanted me here, not even my boyfriend. But I'll share my thought process on how I get through eachday. You have to understand that this is just a small part of your life, and there is tons more to come if you play your cards right. Parents can make the first step of life very hard believe me. But you have to look more to what can happen after your done with this part. You can go off to school and become something you can choose to do and get money and love for doing it! And then you can find someone to spend the rest of your life with, and if you can't find someone that wants you here and alive now, think about your future wife walking around right now. She might not know you yet but you are going to be the one she falls for and makes her happy. With you here, you can shape not only your life but her's as well. And you can even have children. You can have children that are half you and your wife and you can raise them the right way, not how you are treated now. That can be your break on making more impacts on lives that don't even exist yet. If anything parenthood will give you the opportunity to learn what not to do and what to do. Your always worth being here Kyle...even you think it now or not. Life is going to kick you down hard, it happens to all of us, but know that this isn't all of your life right now, its just part. I hope this helped and keep letting us know how everything is, we all care alot about you already smilewinkgrin

~Beautiful Glass~

I had to edit your post per rule number 1.  No discussion about suicide, self harm or illegal substances. 

Other than that Beautiful Glass, this was a beautiful post.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 5/26/2010 10:14:40 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/26/2010 7:23 PM (GMT 0)
It takes a lot of strength to look for help. Our pain is different but I understand. I don't know where you live but a few things you can try....
School counselor..if nothing else they should be able to provide information on non-profit agencies that offer counseling. (united way does sometimes) they work on a sliding scale
depending on your religion you could try a priest...
Look online for non-profit support groups in your area.
You are not alone, I hear you, so do others. Don't give up.
I know it's not easy going to someone you don't know.
parents aren't perfect, they make lots of mistakes and more often than not they won't get it But someday you'll find you are enough, and accept them for who they are and know they don't define you. They are flawed, we all are in some way.
You are stronger than you think you are. Have faith in yourself, I do.
Posted 5/26/2010 8:35 PM (GMT 0)
I would like to thank everyone for their very supportive and kind words. Now that most of the pain has subsided I can see more clearly and understand why I was upset. Right now I am not living with my dad. But in July I am going to make a visit to wisconsin for a month so hopefully we can have some productive bonding time. The only thing is that i would like to start setting a foundation BEFORE I go there to make things less awkward when I do arrive. I think it is a possibility that my expectations where not being fullfilled by my father, which i think does not really know how to show me that he loves me in a way that i would understand, so i would get upset and not feel loved. but for right now I really want to build a LOVING relationship with my father, and change the tone that it previously was.
Posted 5/26/2010 9:31 PM (GMT 0)
That is a good idea. I hope that you and your father do have some bonding. Just remember it might take time. He will probably approach this slowly. So don't get disappointed. Parents aren't perfect and we can't always expect life to follow our expectations. Or other people. If you set your expectations too high, you will always be disappointed. So lower them a little and realize that your dad is only human. We all make mistakes and not all of us are as passionate about life as the other. One day at a time for you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/27/2010 1:06 AM (GMT 0)
My name is Heather and I am 18 years old. my story is somewhat similar. my parents got a divorce when i was 13 after watching them fight my whole life. my dad was abusive and my mom is an angel. I no longer talk to my dad. last year on New Years day i lost my big sister to cancer. this made me feel a hopelessness that I thought I would never feel. But my point is.... no matter what you go through in life... it doesn't matter. What matters is how you deal with it. You can be a hero and an inspiration to others. There is no reason to take your own life. Never. Instead take what has happened to you and reach out to others and use your life as an example of hope to others. Tomorrow is always a new day. For years i no longer wanted to be on this earth. I saw my life going nowhere. But I found an inner strength in myself that allowed me to overcome all the negative feelings and create positive ones. happiness is in your head. People choose to be happy or sad or mad. You just have to believe your stronger than that and force yourself to change your life. My prayers are with you and I wish you all the best.
Posted 6/3/2010 8:37 PM (GMT 0)
kyle, thanks for telling your story. It relates to mine a lot. I do not love either of my parents. I'm also in tenth grade so i understand how much pressure you have and how hard life is right now. What helped me when i was really depressed was to find the one person who makes you really happy and just talk to them a lot and be with them.
Posted 6/8/2010 3:22 AM (GMT 0)
Wow... That sounds so tough :(
My parents are married but they're marriage had always been a fail. I know what you mean by hating your parents. It's hard, I mean sometimes we feel like the best way to solve our problems is to just run away. We're teenagers, we don't know where else to go sometimes. But i can assure you that getting the help you're getting is the first step to realizing you have a problem. You have guts. Hope all goes well. and if you need anything, we're here for u :)

-SuzyNellJ. :)
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