Posted 5/26/2010 5:27 AM (GMT 0)
I know this story makes me sound like absolute slime but I am honestly wondering if it is because I have been so depressed so long that I have made such poor choices. I'm not sure where to start because I have been depressed since I was a child. I grew up in a house with parents who favoured my brother (not kidding I got a t-shirt and he got a snowmobile for christmas one year). I have always fallen short of expectations that I set and others set for me. Deep down in I am a shallow person who cares a lot about appearances. I have suffered from eating disorders as early as age 10. I have a mess of dating relationships. My highschool sweetheart I cheated on with his best friend nearly every week all the way through highschool. I blamed him for not wanting to be with me sexually. The next dating relationship was extreamly abusive all sexually, physically, and emotionally. He was my boss and yes I was just 18. That lasted for 2 years before he went to jail for theft. Once that was over I met up with my "buddy" from highschool and again joined in a causual relationship. He introduced me to his new best friend and that is the man I married. during the time we were dating there were several times that I cheated with my "buddy" while he watched. There was one week after he proposed that I slept with another guy friend of mine and we broke the condom. I found out I was pregnant about a month later. I had no idea if it was the other guy or the guy I was dating. As time went on I got really sick and had to give the baby up in what the doctors called an assisted miscarriage. This was at 6 months. As you can imagine this helped my existing depression grow even deeper and darker. I have tried every medication out there since then and nothing seems to work. I have been in counciling and nothing seems to get better. It was not long after losing the baby that the wedding planning started. My soon to be sister-in-law got married, than we got married. Shortly after getting married we stopped sleeping together both sexually and stopped sleeping in the same room. He snored so loud that I could not sleep. He also very quickly added about 80 lbs to his middle. My sister-in-law got pregnant and called me daily to tell me how sick she was. When she was about 6 months my husband and I made the decision to move to a different city further from his family. It was the weekend that we moved that my husbands father (the only member of my husbands family that actually liked me) passed away. This again took a toll on everyone. Things got better for everyone else when my sister-in-law had her baby and I could do nothing but cry that life was not fair. I held a good front, but it was weeks before I could even hold my niece. Time went on I lost my job due to a non-documented leave of absence. I took it hoping that I could get documentation from my doctor that I was depressed and needed time but she didn't think I was too bad off to not work. about a year after I lost my job my husband convinced me to have a child with him. I was not ready and I was not able to support myself if anything should happen but I got pregnant right away. about 4 months in he changed to a higher position at work and started talking about this "great" girl. He would come home from work and talk about her with a huge smile on his face. I was put on bed rest at Christmas time and that is when he started to go out to the movies and over to her house for a night of trivia. I wanted to confront him BUT I was just happy that he was happy. After all I was as big as a blimp and so sick I could only eat pickles and drink water. My sons birth was supost to be natural. My water broke at home, my husband came home from work picked me off the floor, drove me to the hospital where they discovered that I was fully diaolated and he was decending. The problem was he was ass first. They were holding him in, screaming at me not to push, shoving me full of needles, and within a short period of time delivered him by c-section. He was a month early, we had nothing in the house, and I couldn't hold or see him until he was 3 hours old. Again... This helped my depression... Things got worse after my son was born. My husband stopped helping me in the night within a week (as soon as I could get up on my own) and moved his room to the basement for a good night sleep because he had to work. He spent a lot of time hanging out with the girl friend from work leaving me home alone with a newborn. Again at this time he added more weight and became extreamly unattractive to me. I decided that I didn't like being reliant on him finacially and applied to teachers college. My parents told me to stay home and be a good parent and wife, my husband told me to do what I wanted. When the exceptance came in came the more upseting finacial issues. We bought a house because it was cheaper than renting. He continued with his friend from work, I came to the conclusion that they were an item. Again wanting to talk to him but I didn't even know who he was anymore. The one thing we shared in common before we were married disapeared from his life with his father. The relationship with his family became non existant for me as they told me that I was not a good mother, I was a terrible wife, and believe it or not I was actually told to drop dead. So I cried and started talking to some friends of mine who all live roughly 3 hr drive away. I got a lot of support emotionally and slowly fell in love with the friend who may have been the father to my first child. We talked over MSN, than over the phone, than over skype. One thing lead to another and before long I was visiting him every time I was in the area. We were having an emotional and physical relationship. He wanted me to leave my husband. He didn't understand that my son complicated things a great deal. In the end of that relationship was him finding another woman. Our one last time felt cold and flat. Than I met someone else through an online dating service. He was accomplished and smart. We had lots in common including that we both have a child. I started seeing him, and things clicked within hours of meeting face to face. Within 20 minutes we were back at his place cuddling watching back to the future. He was/is so easy to be around. The folling weekend I went and stayed the night. I got to meet his daughter who is just like her father. He and I ended up with an emotional, physical relationship. When I got home from the weekend I walked into a house of hell. My husband had accessed my email and messaging accounts. He was livid. He said there is nothing going on between him and his friend from work, they are just friends. He asked me to leave. Now I sit here just over 24 hours later, still in the house because I am not leaving my son, I have no job, no income, and my family is no support. Tonight it occured to me that maybe it is not me to blame but my depressed state. There are a lot of details missing from this story BUT I think I encluded most of the important ones. So what do you think? Do you think that depression can cause someone to seak attention and acceptance somewhere else? OR is this really just saying that I am a bad person? Please respond I know it is long. Ask questions for clarification if you need to.
~Reasons Unknown