New Member... My depression is affecting husband... Need a little of advice.

I was diagnosed with mild to severe depression in seventh grade, I guess it stopped affecting me greatly in high school and throughout the first couple of years of college. I had some issues my first year of college, but with my R.A., I was able to keep it dormant for a while. She passed away and it triggered my depression. Was in an abusive relationship, and when I got the courage to get out of it, I met my guy (who would end up being my husband)... Things were going well... Until lately, I don't know what triggered it, but...

I guess, I'm having problems keeping myself happy for my husband's sake. It's hard when my husband hates everything in life, and he doesn't think I'm being a very positive influence. I am not sure if it's just me expecting too much from him to support me emotionally. I apparently make him miserable and, in return it makes me feel even worse. I've already contemplated life without him, and let's just say, I'd rather to die than to live my life without him.

I have lost so much weight and so much sleep because I am up all night worrying, worrying about him leaving me or cheating on me. All this thinking is making me fall deeper in my emotions and pain. I have a journal, but I feel like I have no privacy to write in it because of all the people that live in here.

I need some advice on how I can keep him happy and at the same time, to keep me happy. I am sick of dealing with my depression issues. I don't want to turn to alcohol or painkillers or ... Even self-inflicting pain (I have done all of this in the past, and trust me, this is a situation where I never want it to happen). I really want to keep our marriage on top, and at the same time... To keep everyone happy.

EDIT: I just found out my husband isn't coming home tonight. He's going to this happy hour thing his company does every Friday. *sigh* He doesn't drink, and I'm afraid... Something might happen.

What do I do to avoid having a melt down and ruining everything I've worked so hard to accomplish? I don't want to let my depression get the best of me and make me lose my husband.

Post Edited (Smoonikins) : 6/11/2010 8:54:05 AM (GMT-6)

@ Karen :: Thank you, and he has never made me doubt him in the past. It's his actions lately that is starting to worry me. He deletes text messages (and last night he deleted them in plain view), and I think it is my fault for overreacting about his deleting his texts.

I'll admit, I don't like counseling, I've had bad experiences in the past. I also feel embarrassed if I go to counseling again. No one other than my mom and best friend knows about these issues.

@ Sibohan :: Thank you! I try to have a heart to heart to him, but he kind of seems to take it the wrong way. He thinks I'm nagging and whining about everything, it seems to make him even more upset. He told me he now doesn't even look forward to coming home anymore.

I try doing things I love, and I keep getting distracted. Like right now, I have an art project for a friend (a commission, I guess)... And all I want to do right now is to curl up in bed and cry again.

How do I assure myself that I can trust him, and I shouldn't have to question that. My husband is kind of losing his trust in me, and I think he's falling out of love with me because he's "this" miserable.

"if i ignore you its not because i want you to go away, but its not because i want you to sit their and bother me and get all pissy and make everything worse. you need to learn that im not going to praise you for every little thing you do. you have to get over it when i dont comment on how you look or what you make. your are going to have to live with that. it will have to be good enough that im thinking it and not saying it."

Okay, this is what he just sent me. Looks like you were right, Karen about the self-esteem thing.

Now, I need some help on how I can obtain my self-esteem. Any tips/ideas?

Thanks for your input, myjoy. :O That actually made me feel a bit better, albeit, it made me cry.

Smoonikins,

I don't like what your husband texted to you.  That would hurt my feelings.  But he does have some points.  You shouldn't look to him for praise.  You should have the confidence in yourself and not need it.  Though I think he could have put that in a more gentle manor.  I am going to post a site that might help you with your self esteem.  There was another member that did well with it.

http://moodgym.com/

Check this out and see if it is right for you.  I am so sorry that your husband talks to you in the way that he does.  In my mind it was immature for him to text you that.  I don't know though, you maybe text back and forth. 

You are a good person, that is important.  You are kind and compassionate, that means a lot.  I want you to realize that you have many good qualities, you are equal to everybody and you don't deserve to be talked down to.  So try to put what he said out of your mind and begin a journey for yourself.  A healing journey.  Check out that site that I posted and see if it helps.  Keep posting and know that we are all here for you.

Take care my friend...

Hugs, Karen

Hi guys,

The weekend went a bit better than I thought. I tried not to be so whiny. It did seem to help. But... I still have these crazy feelings about my husband. At one point, I kind of wanted to take something to prevent me from crying on Friday night. I guess it was awkward that night; he came home, and didn't go to the stupid happy hour (thank goodness). But you could definitely tell my husband was on the edge. :/

I guess I kind of resorted to blaming myself for how our relationship deteriorated. I found flaw with every thing in my past. I had to pull myself together because I wanted to not get all depressed. I couldn't stop thinking when I was trying to sleep that night.

@ Karen :: I tried out that website, and I must say, I like it. I will be using it often. Thanks again!

@ Siobhan :: He is always like this (now). He definitely has a "cold" exterior. This is why I blame myself so much. He wasn't like this. When we first met, he was ... A completely different person. He was more warm, and cuddly. Now he's more of a blunt person (too blunt in my opinion) and not as loving (well, last night was a different story for some reason). He kind of (lately) seems to turn the tables around when I try to tell him how I feel. *sigh* So I guess for now I won't be sharing my feelings.

@ Siobhan :: We went to our pastor for some counseling before and after our wedding day. It benefited him greatly, but I don't think counseling is helping. I wish I could slap some truth into him. However, he DOES have depression issues (and surprisingly, his parents dismiss it as some kind of phase).

@ Karen :: Thank you for the support. I am so glad I found this forum. I feel better just having people help me (and feel better by trying to help others)

OH! I forgot to mention, there's another reason why I am very harsh on myself. Long story short, I was born deaf, and recently got my Cochlear Implant. I am hard on myself when I don't pass my training sessions. I am very secretive about my Implant. I refuse to collaborate myself with the deaf community anywhere in the world because of how they treat people. Simply put: I hate being deaf. I hate my inability to communicate efficiently.

Post Edited (Smoonikins) : 6/14/2010 8:24:49 AM (GMT-6)

@ Karen :: I'll admit, I'm not embarrassed about being deaf. I just get sad when I can't understand people, and because of their idiocy, they refuse to help me understand the conversation/what they said.

@ Siobhan :: That's great to hear. (: There's been an uproar here about implants because they think it goes against the Bible and God's rules of being natural (whatever they say, lol).

I guess, my body is having a strange reaction to all the stress and my depression. I don't even feel hungry. I went all day without eating. ;_; Typically I over-eat when I'm upset.

What do I do when I feel defeated? :(

The thing that sticks out for me is your statement that your husband hates everything in life. Yikes! - it sounds to me like he has severe problems and should be getting help. I sure wouldn't want to live with someone in that state of mind...hating everything in life. Why do you feel like you are the source of problems?.....and why do you want to live with him? I know - you are married and love him and I don't have the complete picture but maybe you need to take another look at the picture. Maybe it is not you or only you that should be trying to change.

Hey Smoonikins! I know we talked a bit but I didn't have time to read your post before we talked. It seems like we are in a similar situation. My boyfriend is the centre of my universe aswell... and he HATES life alot of the time also (sucky job, broke alot of the time... etc etc). I get the same stupid feelings about what he's up to (even though I KNOW he would never cheat, and even if he did, it would not be because he loved that person), because I don't connect that he's not upset with me, he's upset with life in general. Its a hard distinction to make for someone who isn't overly expressive, you know what I mean?
I think what you need to do is try making your goal to make him happy. Go out of your way to make things good for him. For example, I wake up every morning and make my man lunch for the day. He loves it. Its our little routine. This isn't bowing to his needs or taking anything away from you, its helping YOU help YOURSELF and HIM!
Don't let his negative comments hurt you too much either. If theres anything I know about men, its that they say things without thinking and are often to prideful to take it back.
You are definetly going to have a give-and-take of happiness... for now I think this needs to be more about him, and in a way, that can make you feel like you are persuing something and taking charge, and it will make you happy by making him happy. There will always be days that make you wonder what you're doing in the situation, but thats part of the ups and downs of life. I hope that helped, because you helped me with the same problem I was having earlier.

I dont' agree about making this all about him. We have to make ourselves happy too. This is a two way street here. If you are doing all this for him, he should in return be supporting you. After all, this is a full time job. If you do too much for him, he will lose respect for you. Yes, kind jestures are nice, but make sure that you are taking care of you first.

Hugs, Karen

When it starts to become stressful for you, you know that you are doing too much. Basically you have to think of you before you can think of anybody else.

Like I said, it is a two way street. Is he supporting you? If so, then yes, do the chores around the house, fix his lunch and supper etc. Maybe write a list of what you do for him and what he does for you and weigh it out. Some people are happy to do for others and it doesn't bother them. But if you are unhappy, that makes all the difference in the world. I enjoy doing things for others, but if it becomes stressful or I feel like I am being used, I stop. I guess it just makes a difference to how you feel inside. If you are happy pleasing him, then that is a different story. But don't let him treat you badly or say things to hurt your feelings.

Are you seeing a counselor through any ot this? It might be time to talk to one. Somebody professional who can see your situation objectively. Think about it. You will get through this. With our help. And talking to a counselor would do you a lot of good. Know that you are a special person and that you don't need to be spoken down to. I hope that he treats you good. Being a homemaker is a full time job and you need to be rewarded for that.

Take care my friend. Keep posting.

Hugs, Karen