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Posted 6/22/2010 12:30 AM (GMT 0)
I have asked 2 very close friends to get together sometime during the summer, nothing big,maybe lunch or a movie. One has all kinds of relatives visiting the whole summer but at least she was nice about it and said we would get together when she is free but maybe not until late Aug. I guess I can accept that because she has a very large family and some are coming from far away so she wants to devote her attention to them. But at least she let me put her on my emergency list when my younger son goes to Europe this summer. I am starting a list of friends I can

call if I have an emergency such as an illness. The other friend I have known since we were 12 and went to school together many years. I called her about a month ago and left her a voice mail. I never heard from her. Then I left her another message yesterday and she called me back. She was not particularly friendly. She is going away July 10 for 3 weeks to a teaching program. I asked if we could see each other before she goes and she said she was way to busy to see me. I don't think she has that much to do that we couldn't meet once, she really just blew me off. I was telling my son about this and he says when I talk to people I may sound like I am coming off way too needy. He doesn't think I should tell friends I am getting adjusted to living alone. I am not getting upset or sounding needy, I am just asking to make plans. The first friend is at least being nice when I call but the other just acts like she wants nothing to do with me. I was wondering if any one here thinks I am asking too much of these friends. I know I come on here and spill my heart out but this is the place to get support and help. I just feel I can't win no matter what I do. I hope I am not resigned to a summer of being completely alone.

Aurora

Posted 6/22/2010 1:58 AM (GMT 0)
Aurora, I don't post very much here, but when I read posts, I identify with you so much!

Unlike you though, I have no children. You are so fortunate that you do, and even if they are not there with you, you always have that connection. Sometimes, it's only that they are thinking of you everyday as you are thinking of them.

But you were asking about your friends. I know it hurts, especially when you've known your friend so long. The last time you saw your second friend was everything okay between you? Do you remember if you did share with her your loneliness and she could have taken it as your being needy?

I think that if you have had a relationship for so long, that nothing you could say to her would change your friendship at this point in life.

I understand your disappointment. This happens for me with my sister a lot. She is so busy all the time with being on the boards of organizations on a volunteer basis plus her high pressure job, that we have no one on one time together. And she has no idea that I feel hurt about this. I'm the older sister, but have been the one who needs her support whereas she is so self-sufficient and has never needed mine.

I know old friends are the best, so this is hard for you.
Posted 6/22/2010 2:23 AM (GMT 0)
Yes. It's difficult, isn't it? One the one hand, people like to feel valued and needed, but we always risk sounding (or being interpreted as) needy when we say "I like you and miss you and would like to spend some time with you; would you like to spend some time with me"?.

I've no real answers for you, but I do offer you sympathy and support. You risk rejection and hurt feelings when you leave yourself open to rebuttal, and I'm sorry this has happened to you twice.

I think you're doing a wise thing in putting together a list of people you can call. That can really help when you're feeling down.

Tell me; are you well enough to do some volunteering or visit a gym or a pool or engage in some other fun activity over the summer? That might be a good way to meet some new people and build a friendship, but without making them feel pressured or anything...

*hug*

Ivy.
Posted 6/22/2010 1:53 PM (GMT 0)
I know what you mean Aurora.

I have like three friends. They are all related to eachother. This weekend I was trying to get ahold of them and they were all doing something together. I forgot about it being fathers day and that they would be doing something with thier dad/husband. ones a mother and daughter. I nkow huge age difference for friends. But I get along with them all. I felt bad, but I am sure that they planned the day with the father because of the holiday. But then I had nobody to talk to. But I had to understand they do have other plans than me. So hopefully next weekend I will see some of them. But yesterday I had a day where I didn't want to talk to anybody. And one of my friends called and my sister called and I didn't even answer the phone. What is up with that? So I guess we have different things that we do at different times, and we don't always hook up. But I get in these unsocialble moods that is strange. So I am just as guilty. I am not one for talking on the phone. I hate it for some reason. I find myself not being able to think of anything to say and people think I am unsocialble when that happens. I don't mean it. I am just at a loss for words. So sometimes we take things the wrong way, or give off different vibes. But Aurora, I am sure that this is going to work out in the summer for you. Hopefully there wont be any emergencies when your son is gone. Think positive about that. Try to anyway. I know that you are frightened, but you do have us. I hope that helps.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 6/23/2010 12:49 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Ivy, Korissa and Karen, The odd thing about these friends is that I have not come off as being needy. I simply called to ask if they would like to make plans.

I think that the needy part is the way my son probably perceives me because he

sees me often. Karen, I know you enjoy your solitude but you have experienced the same as I have with some friends so you know what I mean.

Ivy, thank you for your reply and interest. Yes, I do volunteer work and that is good as it keeps me busy. I have also signed up for some classes and seminars throughout the summer but they are spread out. I feel like I just need to meet some new friends who will take an interest. The second friend who had no time for me has been acting strange for awhile. She only talks about herself and her problems and just ignores anything else I might say. She is not worth the trouble right now.

Korissa, it was so good to hear from you again. It has been awhile since we have talked and I miss not hearing from you. I appreciate your support and hope you will come on the forum more. I think of you as a friend and I want to help you if I can.

So please don't hesitate to start a thread, I am always here for you!

Hugs to all,

Aurora

Posted 6/23/2010 9:57 AM (GMT 0)
your friend in cyber-space too aurora. karen, i too have no contact days, that's what i call them! be good all, hi korissa. cheers, jamie.
Posted 6/23/2010 3:24 PM (GMT 0)
Hey there Aurora. I think that you are right when saying that the friend who seems to not care much is not worth your time. I have been in exactly this situation a number of times due to my back and neck injuries for the past 9 years. Eventually everyone will find out who is and who is not a real friend, it just depends on the way you figure it out. With my injuries I have weeded out a number of fake friends. Also because I have been hurt for so long, I have not been able to work for a while. As little as money is commonly considered between good friends...when it becomes a point of contention things fall apart. Just know and be ready for the people who won't truly care, might act like they do, or only care until it infringes upon their comfort. There are good people out there Aurora, and I think when you find them they will know you to be one as well. Don't give up on your summer quite yet, say a prayer for strength and direction, you never know what will actually happen. I have come to see the whole situation as a way for me to sift the bad from the good (big bucket-o-bad, small bucket-o-good). Don't let yourself feel responsible for any of it, it's just not true. May God Bless you and give you the strength to continue.


Christian
Posted 6/23/2010 5:18 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Christian, Thank you so much for your very helpful and insightful reply. I am

slowly learning who is and isn't my friend. It takes some time to recognize the reactions I get from people but I am starting to see the truth. The friend who had no time for me and just blew me off is really not a friend anymore. Hard to swallow as we had been friends since age 12. But I can see she has no interest in me or my situation. I think you can tell by conversation that the person has no interest in you other than what you do for their benefit. I guess it's like weeding out the garden. I know there are good people out their and I am not giving up on finding some new friends. I have several opportunities in terms of support groups and classes. So I am just going out there and allowing myself to take advantage of what I can. Right now it is easier for me to say as I am in a better frame of mind today. It's possible it will all collapse by the weekend as I have no plans. It will get very hot here and since I suffer from bad asthma it is hard for me to get out in the heat and humidity.But I will do my best to do something so I don't isolate myself. I think one of the biggest problems with depression and loneliness, which I suffer from in spades, is the fact that we tend to isolate ourselves from others and feel safe by staying at home. That is really the worst thing to do.

I am sorry to hear of your back and neck problems. I hope things improve for you and that you can have better control of your pain. I can understand how hard it is if you cannot work.

Another thing you mentioned was money and i'm not sure if this is what you meant, but not having money can be a big cause of friends not wanting to get together. I live in an area where there is great wealth among the suburbs. I once had the big house, trips, clothes, what my sons needed, etc. As we know times have changed. I now have a small house, still in the same area but I don't work anymore due to having several major illnesses. I would like to work part time but those jobs are non existent. I do manage to get by but no longer have the means to travel or go to some of the places some friends like to go that are costly. This can put a big wedge into a friendship, again such friends are not worth it. I have a lot of faith and belief in God and prayer and that helps me so much. I wish you the best and hope you will post again. I would really like to hear from you again and would like to help you in any way you may need.

Aurora

Posted 6/25/2010 12:56 AM (GMT 0)
Aurora,

Just before reading your last post right now, I was thinking of a newish  friend who I haven't heard from in a while. I had called her last. We mostly chat on the phone every couple of weeks and go for lunch every so often. I'm not so nit picky that if I call last, then the person has to  call me next. But, I was thinking of how I am very attentive to whatever she is going through and show interest in her as a person.

It occured to me that I know a lot more about this friend than she knows about me. It's not that I don't put my two cents worth in, but  the conversation usually gets back to her.

So, I've been debating in my mind whether I should call her to see how she's doing.

I think that's kind of a test of friendship-how much interest is reciprocated.

I think that like you, I have decided that  this "friend" of mine is perhaps not really a friend.

I don't think she'll miss me. She doesn't have a lot of friends and doesn't volunteer, get involved in groups  BUT she is happy. I am sort of envious of people like this. She was married and lost her husband who was the  love of her life tragically. She never wanted children and didn't have any and doesn't miss not having had any.

I wish I  could be like people who are content to be home, read, watch TV and don't miss interaction with others. They go away and come home and welcome an empty house.

Korissa

Posted 6/25/2010 3:00 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Korissa, I am so glad to hear from you again. I understand what you are feeling about this friend who does not reciprocate and leaves it up to you to make the calls. It's kind of hard to know what to do. Do you want to risk losing her as a friend and the social interaction or is she what could be called a fair weather friend. If you feel you will not miss her company than it is worth seeing if she contacts you next. I know I have never been one to call and then expect a friend to be the one to call next. I have always felt if I wanted to talk to someone then I do call.

If she is not showing interest in you and what you are doing then I think I would wait and see if she calls. You say that she lost her husband, the love of her life. I wonder just how happy she really could be. If she has no children and doesn't have many friends I can't imagine she feels much hapiness. But it is hard to judge what others are thinking if they don't express their feelings. But if you feel she is not a true friend then let it go if you are comfortable with this.

You mentioned your sister and how busy she is. You said she is not aware that you need her support. Are you close with her and do you have good conversations? I think it may be time for you to sit her down and tell her how you are feeling and that you would enjoy her company more and that you need her to help you emotionally. Maybe she fills up her time because she is actually feeling a void in her life. Do you have any other family?

Also, I wonder if you have thought of volunteering or doing some type of activity where you can meet people. I don't know if that is your thing but getting involved with just one activity may be a start for you. You are right, I do have my sons for comfort and support but they are not available to me as often as I would like especially on weekends. And since I no longer have a job I have had to really try and put myself out there and do things. I have signed up for classes, volunteer work, am going back to church and just joined a new support group which is very comforting. I never thought I would be able to do these things but the whole summer stretched out in front of me was frightening to me and I literally forced myself out and signed up for things to do. It has started to ease the sadness when I return home. I try to stay out until close to dinner time and then I am busy fixing myself something to eat and going through the mail. And I do have my sweet little poodle. Do you have a pet?

I am just trying to see if I can give you some suggestions to help you. The hardest part of doing something is the resistance you feel to get yourself going and out of the house. After you do it the first time it gets easier each time. I hope I have helped in some way and want very much to hear from you again.

You are in my prayers. dear Korissa. Please take care of yourself.

Many hugs,

Aurora 

 

Posted 6/25/2010 3:43 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Aurora: Just wanted to say that I've been thinking of you too. The posts above had much valuable insight into them. You're lucky to have such wonderful online friends! Also, I'm glad that you're volunteering and trying new classes this summer. I know you probably don't think of things this way, but I can see that you have come a long way since this time last year. You have steadily been taking steps forward and I am proud of you for that. Keep trying and hanging in there!

Cass
Posted 6/25/2010 3:25 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Siobhan, I did receive your email and I will email you back soon. I think if you do it through google I will get it. You mentioned you first sent it through your mobile phone and that is probably why I didn't get it the first time. I am alone this weekend so will want to email and hear back from my email friends. I know it will be hard for you too the next 8 weeks but let's help each other get by.

Many hugs,

Aurora

Posted 6/25/2010 6:59 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Aurora, more of a lurker in this forum...deal with episodes of depression rather than long term. Have a friend who deals with long term that i grew up with in AK and we have re-connected about 6 months ago after being out of contact for over 18 years. When one or both of us hit the emotional asphalt in a big way, we attempt to pick each other up...i guess....but I've noticed something of late. It seems that while i am expected to be a 'good listener and an absolute ROCK of support at all times, i find that when i'm spitting gravel from hitting the pavement, i am more or less given support on the level of 'well, just chin up, bud. you'll be alright! Now, enough about you, lets talk about ME!'

Naturally this really puts a stick in my spokes after a while. We kind of had a falling out over this that lasted a while. we realized that it was a one sided arrangement in terms of a depression support group. I didn't quit talking to this person, as you experienced with your 'friends', but did come to realize that this person isn't someone i can rely on for support when things really go south. It's kind of sad, but i honestly don't have anyone i can go to when i am truly in the depths of despair...i've noted people burn out perty quickly listening to me when i'm in a negative spirit, but tend to flock back when i'm doing better....

i've found forums such as this to be better places to discuss things, i guess...
Posted 6/25/2010 10:19 PM (GMT 0)
I think that this is actually common in life. People in general seem to be attracted to people who are upbeat and in a good mood. When we are down, people seem to stay away. That is exactly why this forum is so good. We all suffer from depression and know how it feels to feel alone so we support eachother. Isn't this a wonderful place to come?

Hugs, Karen
Posted 6/26/2010 3:23 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Horsewhisper, I can see that you identify with what I said as you have experienced this with your friend. And sometimes it is just not worth pursuing how you feel. You may still want to stay friends with this person though. Do you go to counseling or some type of therapy? Are you on any a/d meds that can help you?

It sounds like you need some good support. I hope you know you can always come here and just let out all your feelings. There is always someone to answer you and if I see you posting I will be happy to answer you. Do you work or are you in school? I am afraid I haven't seen any of your other posts so I don't know much about you. Karen is right about people responding better if you are more upbeat. I think most people are afraid of being dragged down themselves. Do you have family you can rely on? I hope you will come here again and tell me more about yourself and how you are doing.

Aurora

Posted 6/26/2010 5:09 PM (GMT 0)
Good morning Aurora and all!
I guess I gave a wrong impression about my "friend" who lost her husband tragically. That happened 15 years ago and she does still grieve for him, but is content with her life now and has never wanted another man in her life. She has so few friends and is also content that way. We have very little in common as far as interests go. I think, when I met her a few years ago the thing that drew us together was that her husband and my boyfriend were in tragic but separate airplane accidents as pilots. My boyfriend survived thankfully but people in the plane did not.

My envy--maybe I really mean admiration--is for people who are rather solitary and are content being alone. We are all different. Yes, there are times when I just enjoy the peace and quiet. But I so miss coming home to someone, or someone coming home to me.

We are born into family, but choose our friends. My friends and I are all conversationalists. We always have lively talks and never run out of things to say. My sister however is not. She is able to make quick decisions, doesn't need to talk things over and just does it. The opposite of me. There's where we are different. But I do appreciate that she is able to help me with many of the financial and businessl decisions, etc that I've needed help with. And she enjoys doing this.


I am always included in her family events and am included in their travels. She is very dear to me and I to her...we just don't have the same interests and she's too busy to do things with me. The hurt part comes in when I hink of how much she does as a volunteer that takes so much of her time aside from her 50 hour work week.

I do have two volunteer jobs which I enjoy. I am blessed with many good friends and plenty to do, but with some health limitations. I just am lonely the time in between!!!

My job was heavy people contact 40 hours a week and I loved it. And miss it now.

My prayer is, Lord make me content.
Posted 6/26/2010 5:58 PM (GMT 0)
Korissa,

You will find contentment. It just takes time. Do you meditate at all? It really helps. Give it a try if you haven't already.

I spend a lot of time by myself. I enjoy it. But I have my dogs too so I am not really alone. But I like doing things by myself such as shopping and running errands. Though once in a while I have a friend go with me. But I am much more comfortable by myself. But like I have posted to Aurora, I have never really been alone in my life. Except for after my first husband died in 2000. And it was hard. I didn't eat, I didn't enjoy anything. I was lonely at night. But I did make it for a long time. I just wasn't that happy though. But it was a huge transaction for me, so I guess anybody would be lonely after being with the same man for 23 years.

I hope that you are having a good day today.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 6/26/2010 7:35 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Korissa & Karen, agan thanks Karen for your input. You have been through difficult times and you have found your niche. And I can appreciate your desire to spend your time alone. But you do have your husband with you so you are not entirely alone and I am sure it is nice to have the companionship at night.

Korissa, you and I seem to be in the same boat, so to speak. We both have friends that we do things with and have family although mine is so small. You are right about the in between times being so difficult. There is nothing nicer than to have someone to come home to. I had that until this year when my son has been gone to his learning and therapy group. But when he comes home he will get his own apartment so I won't have him anymore. My younger son does try to come around as much as he can but he has his own life that I don't want to infringe on. He is a young man and has many friends and things to do and a very busy job. I am glad to hear that you do have more family members and are included in activities and travel. I am sorry to hear about your boyfriend. You mentioned he survived his accident. Are you still together or did the relationship end? It must have been hard for you when all that happened. I am glad to hear you have found volunteer work. I hope it will be rewarding. Korissa, these life changes and experiences we have now are a work in progress. Nothing comes easy or overnight. So please keep the faith and know that things will improve with time. i am at the beginning of my journey and that is why I am experiencing the loneliness. But I am better than I was 2 weeks ago when I became a true empty nester. I think I will continue to get better as time goes by. I will have a rough patch July 15-30 when my younger son goes on vacation to Europe and my other boy is still away. I am trying to put an emergency list together just in case. I hope I will hear from you again Korissa and hear that you are doing OK. I am here to support you any time.

Hugs,

Aurora

Posted 6/26/2010 8:32 PM (GMT 0)
You are right Aurora, I am never really alone because my husband is always close by. But I try so hard not to take that for granted, as I know that in time, I will be alone again. And that does scare me. I try not to think of it though and hope that when that time comes, I can take life one day at a time as I do now. Easier said than done, I know. I hope that I am not as bad as I was when my first husband passed. I was totally lost. But I am older now, though I was in my forties when this happened. My husband is a lot older than me, well, 16 years. So you know what that means. He is 68 right now. So like I say, I hope I never take his companionship for granted.

I hope that you are having a good day. It is on the verge of rain here, very humid. But I don't think it is going to rain until tomorrow. So it will probably be a humid night. I dread that. It makes it so hard to sleep. Take care my friend. Keep posting and letting us know how things are going for you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 6/28/2010 11:54 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Siobhan, I have gotten 2 emails from you, the one I mentioned before and the one this morning, Monday June 28. I know you don't have much email access unless you drop by school but lets try to email and see how it works. If I don't hear from you at least I know you can't get to the internet. Since you finished school what will you be doing this summer? I hope you are going to take it easy and have a fun summer. Will you start university in the fall? Hope all goes well for you. I was sorry to hear you were hospitalized but you do sound very good now. Another thing we have in common is the fact that we both have asthma. I have 3 different inhalers plus presdnisone(awful med). I also use a ventolin inhaler for my rescue inhaler when I need immediate relief to breathe. So far this summer I have had very few problems and my asthma is well under control.  I hope I will see you in chat tomorrow.

Many hugs,

Aurora

Posted 6/30/2010 3:00 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Aurora....

Not on any meds for depression. Taking Topomax 300 2x daily for seizures/ migraine, Diazepam 10 at bed for seizure control, Neurontin 400 AM for seizure coverage, Imitrex as needed for Migraine and a few other odds & ends for BP and various other junk. I had a very large brain tumor while back that left me partial paralyzed and with a seizure disorder. Never did start anything for depression.

I've never been one to be depressed. I've usually held a joy for life that was boundless. It's only been in recent years (the past 3-4, since my brain tumor mostly) that I have delt with substantial depression. I relocated to IL after a divorce ending an 18 year marriage that was going nowhere but was benign. I left behind lifelong friends in search of a new life and healing, and met an married a wonderful second wife. I was diagnosed with a brain tumor shortly thereafter, but this illness took a serious mental toll on her. She has not been the same since. She has been in the depths of despair and fear since, and has essentially taken me with her.

I have no friends, live in social isolation and with the remnant issues of the brain injury. Her moods swing violently from 'average' to the depths of despair, leaving me almost constantly in a state of depression. I have seen a LPC on several occasions, however will not further medicate myself as I am already a walking chemistry set....besides, this is a situational depression.

My greatest fear..and it is huge..is that I am one who loves life. I find happiness and greatness in the smallest of things normally. I fear that the very spirit within me is dying. And no one cares. I can't tell anyone about it. Every day, there's less and less of what was once me left in my heart and I wake up merely to go to work and return home to a silent house to cook dinner, do dishes and go to bed and get up and do it over again for a silent wife who is living in her own silent world. I weep from the depths of despair...to no one.

My only comfort is that in 20 or 25 years, I will have prepared my last dinner and washed my last dish. I used to fly airplanes or jump out of them. I used to SCUBA dive and see things. I used to stay up all night just to see the sun rise after climbing up mountains. I used to watch Orcas from my boat just for the joy of it. I used to go to retirement homes just to hear the wisdom and joy of other people's lives. I used to ride a motorcycle as far as my butt could stand it. Now, I simply worry that my wife is not happy and wonder why I feel so empty inside too. No one wants to talk about it. I grieve the loss of what was me.

Every day, I think I am dying a little more. There will not be much left soon...i'm not fool enough to think that this is significant in the grand scope of things, but it matters to me i guess..a little...for now. I never stop hoping though..
Posted 6/30/2010 6:20 PM (GMT 0)
Horsewhisperer,

That is the thing that is going to save you. That you never give up hope. Thanks for posting this. It says a lot about you.

I hope that you can smile today, that something nice happens to you.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen
Posted 6/30/2010 9:34 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Horse Whisperer, I can identify with your desire not to take anymore meds. I have a son who has epilepsy and he is on heavy doses of 3 meds. He was depressed even before he was switched to these meds and the neurologist discovered that the prozac he was taking was contributing to his seizures so he stopped taking it. He has been seizure free almost 5 years which is good. When his seizures went out of control and before I found his wonderful neurologist I felt much like you do. I am sorry to learn that you had a brain tumor that has so changed your life. I have had 2 very major illnesses over the past several years that put me in terrible depression. But I kept going to my therapist and doing the things I needed to do. I know it is not easy for you especially if your new wife is not happy. Is her unhappiness and silence related to you being depressed? Do you

think she would be willing to get counseling to help her to understand what you are going through and be able to learn to give you the support you truly need? I don't think it is good for you to just go to work. cook dinner and then not have her to talk to. She is your wife and right now she needs to do whatever is necessary to help you. Maybe that is asking a lot. I read in your post that you used to lead a very active life and enjoyed many activites. I know you can't do those things but are there other interests you can participate in? Is there a depression support group or other type of group where people will listen to you?

If you are seing a therapist the therapist should be listening and giving you advice on how to deal with your depression. You say you are partailly paralyzed. Are you in a wheel chair? Sorry , not trying to be so noisy, i'm just trying to figure out what could help you. You said you moved to IL. Are you near Chicago or another big city? If you are in the Chicago area there are so many teaching hospitals and they often have support groups. I think you need to find something like that to help you. Your therapist should know about things you can do to improve your situation. Of course, you can always come here and tell us everything you are feeling.  There is always someone to answer you.

And I will always be glad to try to help you, if just to give you support. Please

don't give up hope. Hope and faith are what keep us going. Do you belong to a church? That is an excellent place to meet people and also to get help from a Pastor. I wish you the best and hope you will keep coming here to talk to us.

Many hugs,

Aurora

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