Hey everyone, been down in a hole.

Hey all, I haven't posted in a while now so I figured I should. I got on the Vyvanse not long ago and that has been helping with some things. I have a little more motivation and focus now...but some of my problems can't be changed by that. I went to a surgeon finally last week to check on what I was thinking was a hernia. When I had the appointment he said that he could not definitively say that it was actually a hernia, so I need to go get another CAT scan done and see him again in a month. He said it may just be a bad pulled a sprained muscle, which can take months and months to heal. Now I don't even know whats wrong with all that or how long it will be until it is resolved. I have a 1 week long medieval event in Pennsylvania in early August, so if this whole deal goes on and on then I will not be able to do that(there is a great deal of walking involved). I missed last years Pennsic and I would absolutely hate to miss two in a row.

Also my back and neck have been getting me down pretty much constantly, pain that doesn't lessen ends up making you feel like no matter what is happening, it is all bad. The never ending discomfort is like a belt sander on my brain. Uncertainty, pain, stress, hopelessness...they all weigh on me every day. I try to be happy, sometimes I succeed for a short time...but it usually isn't much longer than a good occasion will last.

With all the things in my life that I have identified, some resolved, some being worked on...there still seem to be a few that do not have a solution as such. They are problems that just are, there is no answer to find because there IS no answer. I connect with no one...no ones gets me, other people just frustrate me. I have been devastatingly alone for all the years I can remember. I have had family and some close friends...but even those who are closest to me really aren't as close as one would think...and I'm sorry to say, that even applies to family. My most close friends and family members only get, at most, 3/4 of who I am. I have learned to hold in many of my thoughts, I am extremely introverted...but half of it is real introversion and half of it is that I have learned to keep to myself because I have so little relation with others, it is safer that way. The only solution I see for this situation seems as improbably as finding a needle in a stack of haystacks. I have at times thought I found that understanding...only to have it taken away or be revealed for what it truly is. It all reminds me of an Albert Einstein quote that I found very....familiar.

“When I was still a rather precocious young man, I already realized most vividly the futility of the hopes and aspirations that most men pursue throughout their lives.” - Albert Einstein

I find that so many of his quotes seem like reciprocation's of my own thoughts...and ones like this are of a somewhat depressing nature, but true is true. I'm not 100% without hope because God can do anything, and if He sees fit for me to be blessed with the things I want most in my life, then so be it. If not though, that is what will be and I must resign myself completely to the same conclusion that our old friend Al did.

So when I sit and consider even small parts of all of these things, I begin to get depressed. If I ever slip up and allow myself the lucidity to consider them all...I feel like I literally have a 400 lb guy sitting on my chest, it's just overwhelming. The only way I can deal with all these things is with the help of God. With that, and with my realizations about my problems, I do find some solace...but my human nature keeps bringing me back to the negative. Maybe I am just not meant to have anything that would make me happy myself...maybe my reason for being here is to simply help others with my gifts and I am just being a self-centered ass for lamenting my personal losses and lackings. I often feel as if I have nothing, my health, money, home situation, relation situation, never ending loneliness...and it is the worst kind where I don't even let on that I am...I just suffer in silence.



Christian

christian, to find happiness, and you-you need to look inwards. isolation of yourself is a punishing tool. i hope you continue your growth and find happiness, and you. with compassion, jamie.

I do appreciate the kindnesses, and I am happy to hear that I am actually helpful here. I too hope and wish that I could find the happiness, that I think all people seek, within myself. As I said in the last message I am and have been lonely and without a intellectual partner for all my life. When I think about that, and the fact that I will most likely stay in such a situation...I immediately become extremely distraught at the thought of continuing as I am for the rest of my life. My inner thinking and faith in God though tells me that I should not base my happiness on worldly situations...but being cornered in a life if solitude and self thought, as much as I know that with God I should be able to, it seems like the world is ending. I know that I very well may be, but thinking of actually staying within this solitude is like finding out that I have only a short time to live. If I can never share myself truly with a partner....I don't know how much motivation for life I can continue to muster. I do believe I have many gifts, some for helping others, some in intellectual pursuits...but in my selfish mind it seems like a life of horrible sadness. Some amount of joy can be gained from helping others...but not being able to do anything that you suggest to others for yourself....I don't know. As you can tell I have quite extreme ups and downs, I can be positive and helpful one day and crushed the next....I can even be crushed and still give positive advice, just that I myself am leagues away from achieving what I suggest. I have come to conclusions about general society in this day and age, the lack of substance and individuality in most people...I just don't know if I can handle the rest of my life alone. I don't know if there is anyone in this world that will truly feel in the same way that I desperately wish to feel for another. The word "love" is so overused and driven into the dirt that it almost means nothing in relationships. I understand the true meaning...and seemingly only to my personal detriment. I was truly in love with this girl Amber, my first real love, I would have taken any job to support her, dug any ditch, taken on any hardship to be there for her. In my mind I was imagining growing old, having real happiness at last. When she told me she needed time/space and wanted for us to cool down some...even though it was like someone asking me to cut off my right arm, I said ok. I talked with her, found that it was really what she wanted....and even though all I could think about was growing old with her...I did as she was wanting and gave her the space she needed to find another guy. If that is not love, or pure insanity (which very well may be the same thing), I don't know what is.

I am overwhelmed and underwhelmed all at the same time, every day. Every day I have to deal with myself, my feelings, my solitude, my desperate need to find that connection.......all amounting to absolutely nothing besides frustration, disappointment, and melancholy. The only bit of real satisfaction that I can find in life is to simply be able to give others the reassurance and comfort that I myself lack. Were I not a Christian person, I might venture to think you would have to edit some parts out of these messages due to the self injury rules. I guess that is an example of where I am. Were I to not know that Jesus Christ died for my sins and that taking my life is wrong, I really don't know what I would do. So being stuck here, stuck in myself, stuck in this day and age, stuck in my situations and problems....I feel like finding a hole and never coming out...building a shack in the woods and living out my disconnected destitute life as a hermit, without burdening others with my problems(which is kinda what I am doing right now *sigh*). I don't know if there are answers, if I really am to live out my years in personal torment...so I kinda feel bad writing this post because I feel as if I am just ranting on about my woes. I think I should probably just stop here so that I do not continue to pointlessly spew my mental pains. I love this board and you all....but times like this (which are basically all the time) I feel as if I am just burdening you all with my insanities which have no real solutions. I do have gifts in my different abilities, and I will use them as best I can to help others because that, I think, is my only purpose in this world...it just is not an easy thing to keep doing.


Alone,
Christian

Misundersrood...

Your post reminds me of a quote by Stephan King (a rather unusal one considering the source):

" That's the worst, I think.  When the words stay locked within not for the want of a teller, but for the want of an understanding ear."

I hope you are able to unlock your words.

Thank you all for reading and responding so kindly. I do have to say, horse crazy, that you may have introduced me to one of my newest favorite quotes. I too hope that one day I can find what is needed to unlock my words, thank you for sharing that.

I most certainly do overanylyze things to some degree. I've never really noticed how much I do look into the future like that...but I guess it makes a fair bit of sense in that my mind usually runs with a thought and takes it forward a number of steps past the present. I do know that I am only 25...but I feel so much more. The odd thing is that it is not just that I feel old in my mind (which I do), but it is also physically in a number of ways (am young but can't lift heavy stuff anymore, it hurts to simply look down to do 10 minutes of paperwork). I really feel like I'm 50. You are right though neverbetter in that I can not and should not venture to guess what God has in store for me...I guess that is just my feelings of hopelessness.

Also to just reassure, I'd never do something so rash that I wouldn't even have the ability to regret it. I wouldn't ever do that for the reasons given in the last message, the same reasons that no one ever should. I do though feel like going away though. If I'm going to be around people and be disconnected as I am...why not actually be physically disconnected. At times I think it would be far more enjoyable and less stressful to, as the quote horse crazy shared, keep my words locked in for my own want, not for the fact that I am surrounded by those unable to hear. I then always consider my place here on the forum, my place helping those around me in my life, and all the possible places I am to be in the future that He has for me. As dismal, empty, and without hope as I may feel, I know it may not actually be that bad...but there is always the part that thinks that it might be. I need to give myself up to God in a way I have never done, I am screwed in this life on my own and under my own direction/power. The only chance I have is to pray that God's Will somewhat coincides with what I feel I need, that I am able to find some form of happiness. Realize that I have been given gifts that are there not for just my personal gain and happiness, that I am to help other people...if that is all I have, all I am given, then I guess I'll just take that and drift out at sea until I hit dry land. If dry land for me is in heaven, then that is something of which I have no influence on.

Ugh, sometimes I think I'm nuts. When I first posted this thread I was so down, so depressed. I tossed it all out there, asked questions...and truthfully I knew the answers. I always have this little voice in my head that tells me the things I least want to hear about myself, the truth no matter how much I'd normally not want to hear it from others, no matter how much it hurts. When given a chance to help people and suggest possibilities for problems, it just comes, the solutions seem like they practically give themselves...yet I struggle myself daily with issues that I would easily be able to come up with solutions for had someone else posed the problem to me. I can give advice while at the same time being unable to follow so much of it myself...at times I feel as if I'm a no more than a hypocrite. I'll stop ranting now, I guess I kinda ended up doing something like I did the first time *sigh*. Thank you all for being here for me...at least I am not completely alone.


Christian

Post Edited (-Misunderstood-) : 6/30/2010 9:16:58 PM (GMT-6)

I don't know anymore, I hear "take one day at a time"...but truthfully to me that seems more like a horrible Groundhog's Day type scenario if every day is as empty as the last, if that is the case then it doesn't seem terribly effective anymore, somewhat like a nightmare. The unfortunate thing is that looking ahead is just as bad, except at least I can expect it, see it coming, and resign myself to it. I know that probably sounds terribly negative...and well hell I guess it is, but I'm not so sure that my waking up every day and living each day with these hopes, the vaguest possibilities of happiness, is at all better than waking up and knowing my solitude and expecting little else...at least then the few blink of an eye moments of some happiness are just a bonus, more than I was expecting.

I put "see rosea thread" in the post above this one because I had posted what was a short goodbye. I am pretty torn up right now and I don't know if I am done or not...I don't feel like I have the right to counsel anyone. I feel as if what I have to say is hal****ed and worthless. There is definite consideration of receding back into myself, pull back from everyone and everything that is outside of my sphere of interest. I am positive that is what I want to do. This place is the only thing keeping that from happening, and just barely. The night that I left that short message in the Rhodiola Rosea thread I almost quite entirely, but something brought me back for at least this mesage. I will be ending the post the same way it started...I don't know anymore.


Christian

not alone, never alone. pls stay. jamie. post back in your own time. just let us know that you are okay. with compassion, jamie