my story about depression. please help me

hi, i have never used this site before so im not really sure what i am doing, but i feel so alone at night and i needed to talk to people.

i am 14 years old and i have depression. so when my friends offered me , i took it. and to be honest it did make me happy.. but only for a little while. but that little while was really great, im not going to lie. but it made everything 100 times worse. so now im pretty much addicted, and i sneak out about 3+ times a week (in fact, all of yesterday, last night and most of today i have been ) to  up with some of my "friends". i put quotes around friends because i already lost almost all of my friends when they found out i was doing . and the real friends i have left either with me or they dont know that i do it. oh, and to make it worse, the persons appartment  at is the guy that broke my heart more then once. i literally love that guy so much.., but he cheated on me and is with one of my exfriends now. it breaks my heart everytime i see him. so i sneak over there or say im sleeping over at a friends house, and just sleep over there or if i cant, i sleep in a storage shed with a couple other people. we get , drunk, and smoke ciggaretts (which i am now addicted to.) we stay up all night, go night roaming, play poker, or just chill. eventually we all just pass out somewhere. his parents dont care. they even give us cigs and beer. when i sneak out i only stay untill 4:30am and then i walk home. but if i sleep over we get up around noon the next day and do a wake and(when you get  as soon as you wake up) it seems fun, but after its done i always feel worse.

the thing is i cant stop myself. i dont know why. i can think of only a couple of reasons

- being  is the only time that im really happy anymore, so i crave it

- i miss the guy that i love so much that ill do anything as long as im with him

- i dont care about myself so much that i dont care if i screw up my life even more than it already is.

please help me and tell me if what i am doing is wrong or right. i dont know anymore. and i feel like if i keep going on this way, im going to wreck my life, even though it pretty much already is wrecked. i dont know what happened to me. i used to be happy, a straight A student, have a lot of friends, and not care what any one else thought. now i cant even remember the last time when i truely fealt happy when i wasnt.

please help me. thank you so much for listening to what i have to say.

Please read forum rules before posting anymore.

Thanks, Karen

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 8/22/2010 7:36:27 PM (GMT-6)

Unfortunately, I think your post is going to have to be heavily edited since it violates the site's rules (no discussion of illegal activities).

That said, I would suggest you start by seeing your family doctor. There are good treatments both for addiction & for depression and the earlier you seek treatment the better it will work. I don't know what your family is like, but unless they are especially violent I would say you really do need to sit down with a parent and let them know what's going on. I'm sure it will be scary & they might even yell at you or ground you for a while, but with almost no exceptions parents do turn out to be very helpful. They have access to resources that teens don't. They are able to approve treatments and either come up with money or apply for assistance so you can get all the help you need.

High school years are tough years, no doubt, but they should not be so awful that the only thing that brings you any relief is stronger & stronger drugs. You deserve better than that. Please do talk to your parents & get to the doctor so you can go back to just being happy & maybe even find a new guy to share the rest of your high school years with.

Hope that helps.

take care,
frances

I would add to what Karen wrote & say that it is possible that you are psychologically addicted to the drug. Addiction is primarily psycho-social, that means that even though some drugs can have an added problem of making your body dependent on them, that any drug and even some activities other than drugs (relationships, risky behaviors, etc.) can cause an actual "addiction". Addiction just means that when you try to stop you can't, that you continue the behavior even though you know there are bad consequences in the long run from doing it, that you may feel ashamed & try to hide the behavior from certain people, etc. It is not uncommon for an addict to be addicted to more than one thing. They keep trying to find new ways to be happy, but ultimately until they get help nothing will ever fill that unhappiness.

Addicts cannot just quit something based on pure willpower. They need support. That is why I encouraged you to talk to your parents & to go see your family doctor. They can help provide you with the resources & support you need to quit. And that may include getting treatment for your depression so that you don't always feel like the only way to feel better for a second is to use increasingly dangerous drugs.

That said, maybe you are not an addict. Maybe you are able to quit if you want to (some people are able to do that). If so, that's wonderful! But if not, please don't give up hope. There are so many people out there who have gotten support & been able to quit and start choosing behaviors that will make them really feel healthy & happy. :)
I've seen my own friends get help & finally be really truly happy. They tried to just quit for so long & weren't able to. But when they finally accepted help, they found success.

hang in there!
frances

I wouldn’t blow this off as “teenage hormones” because I can remember what I was like when I was 14 (wasn't too long ago). I am very happy that you have come to this forum to seek advice; I truly wish I got help much earlier in life, so I definitely praise you for the step you’ve already taken!

Based on your story, I am wondering if there are any hidden experiences from your past that are hard for you to talk about. If there are, don’t be ashamed to talk to someone about them. I would even be willing to listen if you want to get some things off your chest!

I would also suggest keeping yourself busy in less harmful ways. Do you have any hobbies or special interests? I’ve struggled with some addiction and I found it much easier to fight the addiction by keeping myself busy.

If you would be interested in speaking one-on-one, my email address is in my profile :)