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Posted 7/16/2010 8:24 PM (GMT 0)
I am new to this forum.

I am a single mom with a 2 1/2 year old & 4 year old. My kids "donor" as I call him, isnt in their life. He hasnt called in over 6 months & hasnt seen them in over a year & half. I am full time mom and dad. It is so hard. I love my children more then life itself and would be lost without them, but suffering depression I dont feel like I am doing a good job at all. A friend of mine (guy Im seeing) tells me all the time that my kids are very well behaved & he says Im doing a great job being a single mom. My kids dont act the same when he is around. They are calm, listen and act totally different then when he is not around (at the same time, my kids are very very comfortable with him and get along great with him). When its just my kids and I at home, I feel like I have no control over my kids. Im snappy and yell alot. I dont spank or hit my kids at all. But frequently raise my voice and cry ALOT!! I hate feeling this way. I hate being alone. I have been through constant struggle the last two years. Life is finally starting to mellow out, but at the same time I feel like I have no handle on life at all. I feel lost, alone, confused and scared.

Posted 7/16/2010 10:23 PM (GMT 0)

Hello Bray_Brook,

Welcome to the HealingWell Depression forum.  I am so glad that you have joined us. 

I am sure that it is so hard being a full time parent and parent.  Yes, you are both the mother and father.  And I am truly sorry for your situation.  But you must be doing something right if you are getting complements on how well behaved your children are.

Being calm and cool when you are alone with them I am sure is a challenge.  They are at the ages of wanting to get into things and wanting to play all the time, and that is only natural for them.  And it is only natural that you lose your temper now and then.  You are human after all.  I am sure that you are a very good parent.  But if you are questioning your sanity at this point, maybe you should talk to a counselor.  They will help you through this.  They can teach you coping skills for any situation.  And being the only parent, I am sure that you could use some support now and then.  By the way, is the doner paying his child support?  I sure hope so. 

You do have a lot on your plate.  Coming here is a good place especially if you need to vent, or talk about anything for that matter.  Your problems, your triumphs, whatever you feel the need to get off of your chest.  Everybody here is so kind and supportive.  I am sure that you will be glad that you have joined us.

Deep breathing and meditation is a good thing to do so that you can keep your cool when things get tense.  It calms us and relieves anxiety.  Counting to 10 is another good one.  Remember that you are doing a great job and that it isn't easy by any means.  Keep up the good work.  Keep posting.

Hugs, Karen

Posted 7/16/2010 10:31 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks a lot Karen what you posted really touched me.. Made me cry actually. I type as I'm wiping tears away.

Its very hard being a full time single parent. I live in a different state from my family and life long friends. So I have no family around and very few friends close to me here.

To answer your question about donor paying child support...NO he doesnt pay child support and owes over $30, 000 in arrears. So that doesnt make matters any better.

Thank you for the relaxation / keeping cool tips...Going to definitely use them.
Posted 7/16/2010 10:41 PM (GMT 0)
I am sorry that you are so alone and going it alone on top of that.  But I think you are a very good mom and you will be rewarded in the future for that.  Always put your child's needs first and you can never go wrong. 

Keep on keeping on.  I use to know a meditation site, but I can't find it.  But if you type it in your search I am sure that you can come up with something.  Be it a book you can purchase or some ways to do it.  I can even help you with that. 

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Hugs, Karen

Posted 7/17/2010 12:13 AM (GMT 0)
My 4 year old came & cuddled up with me the other morning. I was still sleeping, he wakes me up and says "mommy I hate my dad. I never want to talk to him or see him ever again. Hes not my dad, I hate him." Stunned by his remark, because I do not ever talk about their dad or ever mention their dad with them around if I did mention him, I asked why he feels that way & what made him think about that. He had no reason whatsoever to even think those thoughts. He is four. He just said to me, "because my dad never calls me or comes to see me. I dont ever want to see my dad".

What am I supposed to do or think about his feelings?
Posted 7/17/2010 12:43 AM (GMT 0)
That is a hard one.  Because when I was little I was told that my dad was dead, killed in the army.  I didn't appreciate being lied to that is for sure, but when they are that young, it is hard to come up with the right answers.  Just let him know that his mommy loves him enough for the both.  When he gets older, you can explain it to him.  I remember having so many questions, and getting lies for answers until I was old enough to understand it.  But my mom wasn't married to my dad.  She was married to my step dad.  My grandparents adopted me so it was a big old mess.  My mother was in the picture, like I say, it was a mess. 

I guess if he keeps asking, you should just explain to him that mommy and daddy don't get along and don't live together anymore.  Maybe that his father is far away and can't come to visit.  You can't tell him he doesn't care, he is too young to understand that he didn't do anything wrong.  But I truly see your situation isn't easy.  Hopefully somebody will come along with some good suggestions for you.

Hugs, Karen

Posted 7/17/2010 10:09 AM (GMT 0)
i am also a single mum of two and struggling with depression, i also have a donor but he does see his kids once a fortnight , my eldest doesnt get on with him and they always row, whereas my 6 yr old loves her dad and always want to c him ,my daughter came to me the other day and told me she loves me that has given me reason to try and get better , i do feel for you and i know its hard emotionally and financelly ,please keep posting and let us know how u getting on , we r here to listen and help

helen xx
Posted 9/1/2010 3:07 AM (GMT 0)
I am a single mom of two girls. my oldest is 7 and she had a good relationship with her dad. She hasn't seen him in a year and half. He has started calling alot lately. I am noticing her emotions all over the place. We had just gotten to a kinda good place. Anyway her Dad is a man baby. He has no clue how much it costs to raise kids, seriously. His 300 a month doesn't go far. Tonight he didn't want to pay for her glasses. I put him down as the responsible party so they go to him for the bill. Our d decree says he has too. he thinks the 3oo I got two weeks ago should pay for it. But this is about me, I got on here tonight because I lost a very good paying job a year ago, can't find a new job. Live off of 1600 a month, so I have anxiety, depression and had just worked though alot of anger and was at a place a feeling in charge. Then he is calling. My anger is back for what he has done and how he can just call back into her life as if he has never been away. I went off (in my head). I already feel like a horrible mom, I yell, my house is a mess, I can't keep up with all the chores. But my anger was boiling. I have no support, friends are having their own drama. My blood pressure is high. Tonight I just wanted to go off. I really feel on the edge, so I went online to vent. It is so hard being the only parent, and finding time to take care of yourself is almost impossible. Sometimes I am just right on the edge and am praying for bed time. Then of course that is the night they don't want to go to sleep. I just wish I could be that relaxed fun healthy mom out running and laughing with her kids. (of course this woman has a maid, butler chef, supportive husband and time for a weekly massage) I just want be able to go to the bathroom without an audience (at least once a week)....I just want to be hopeful again, not so dang defeated...If I can scrape together a couple hundred I will go to the doctor and get my medication changed. I have taken wellbutrin for years, but I think it is not working anymore, and it is why my blood pressure is high and the bp meds don't work. I don't have rage, but the anger I do have is not ok..... I mean it is ok to have anger, but if I don't release it I snap.........oh well...thanks for a place to let it out. Maybe I won't yell as much next time. I will say, after mom's tantrum, we laughed. If I can just stop and grin then we will all start laughing and it passes. But I am sOO angry at him and don't want him back in our lives. It was so nice to not have to deal with him. Are their any good forums for this kind of support? This is what is causing my anger and depression.
Posted 9/1/2010 7:54 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Mtmama,

Welcome to the HealingWell Depression forum.  I can most certainly see where you would feel agitated.  It is truly understandable.  I am quitting smoking and I have been on edge for a couple of days here and I totally understand how it feels.  I am doing everything that I can not to lose it. 

I could see where Wellbutrin could cause your blood pressure to go up.  I think it is a good idea that you are going to the doctor and switching the med, especially if it isn't helping you.  There are many others to try.  Effexor is similar to wellbutrin and it has a generic now.  So maybe they will try that.  I take pristiq.  I took effexor for years.  It worked well for me, but I took a super high dose.  375mg a day.  That was five capsules.  With pristiq, I only have to take one pill a day.  But I understand that it is really expensive, my insurance pays all but 20.00.  I pay the 20.00.

I am glad that your ex is paying something.  It is better than nothing at all, which happens a lot.  Though it doesn't go very far, I truly understand your predictament.  Did he pay for her glasses?  I hope so.  I am glad that she got them.  It is so important for her to have good eyesight. 

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.  Remember you are a good mom and love your children.  That is most important.  You are doing what is best for them and that is what it is all about.  Keep up the good work.  And keep grinning so you all can laugh.  It sounds like you have a good relationship with your kids.  That is super!!!

Hugs, Karen

I wanted to post a site for you that might help

http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

It is free.


Posted 9/1/2010 8:26 PM (GMT 0)
HI

We are all doing the best we can.  This is true for you too.  Its not easy.  The most important thing you can do thoughout your day is pray.  I hope you can believe that.

I know I would have disagreed with that idea myself years ago... but now I know we need to believe in a high power above humans.  Pray for divine order, and strenght.

I would strongly tell you the following ...  (1) No more children  (2) When the oldest goes to school you will have some breathing room...  two young ones are a hand full.

(3) Take care of your self... no drugs, eat the best you can.  (4) Enjoy your children ...

they are divine being form God. 

Best Wishes. JC

Posted 9/2/2010 2:06 AM (GMT 0)
Being a single mom is hard. If you weren't doing the best you could and if you weren't a caring mom you wouldn't be hear worrying that you yell too much. Cut yourself a break hon. We're mom's but mom's aren't perfect. I'm sure you give a lot of hugs and kisses and that you make everything all better over and over again for your kids. My kids are grown now and you should have seen the inappropriate text I just sent my son when he texted me leave me alone- I'm in a movie. It didn't phase him- he wrote me back LOL.
I wish you all the best!!!!!!
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