Sad, and I want change

Hi Aphrodite30,

Welcome to the forum.  I want to also say welcome to the croud.  We have all been through what you are going through.  Low self esteem. 

Generally I always recommend seeing your doctor because you never know if anything physical is going on.  And a good clean bill of health takes away a lot of anxiety.  Also they can recommend counseling or medication if they see fit.  But since you can't afford that I am giong to turn you on to a site that many have found helpful called mood gym.

http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

You have to learn to think differently in your life in order to feel good.  You have to see things differently and learn to make allowances for things.  You will learn that life is not perfect.  Nobody has a perfect life.  We could always want for more.  Some of us have it much worse than others too.  So learning to look at life differently really helps us to see things in a more healthy way. 

I hope that you feel better soon.  Stick with us and you will soon be feeling better.  Good luck with the site.

Hugs, Karen

Thank You for your encouraging words. I'm trying everyday to better myself and change the way I think.
I have not been going to AA meetings but I've been able to stave off alcohol and drink minimally on the wkends. I'm not using it to get by at nights any longer. I'm exercising and that does make me feel good, for a little while.

My main problem is, the relationship I'm in is breaking my spirit down and shattering my self-esteem. The person I'm with i'snt bad or abusive, just emotionally unconnected and dismissive.
The situation started off all wrong and I accept full responsibility for this. He is married but says he will be getting a divorce and it takes time. I was accepting in the beginning because my feelings were not as involved as they are now. However he still lives with his wife, and as time progresses it gets harder and harder for me.We have called it off on numerous occasions, but somehow ended back together.
It's realy affecting me, to the point where I can't focus during the day. I'm always sad.
We broke it off again 2 weeks ago and I told him, that I wanted to lose all contact with him in order to move on. I was hurting but as the week progressed, i focussed on me, stopped drinking everyday, going to the gym, going out with friends.Until he sent messages professing his love for me and how much he misses me. I responded and then he came to a family event he told me he didn't want to break up again, and things will be better. And for a few days he started paying attention. Now it's back to the same thing again. Other things take precedence in his life, just not me. It's hurting me so much, that I can hardly do anything.I'm withdrawn and so depressed. I expressed how I felt to him and he is non-responsive and hardly talking to me. I feel so foolish for going back and I'm back to square one again dealing with all this pain.
He is the ideal person, He is everything I want, and I haven't loved to this extent in a very long time, but obviously he does not care for me that much.
Why does my life have to be this way? I see friends and family meeting and having relationships with ideal people.Why me, always the person I love.
I'm so torn.This is just another aspect of my life thats breaking me down.I seek any advice.Please help.

I have to say, I understand how you feel that he is your "ideal mate". However, I must point out that he is not. If he has apparently changed a little, but then went back to his old ways, he will never change. He did it once just to keep you hanging on. As for as him leaving his wife, as the old saying goes, if he will do it with you, he will do it to you. If he ever leaves his wife to be with you, he WILL cheat on you. If he were an honorable man, he would not be involved with you past friendship until he finished it with her. Trust me, I'm a guy. I know. This guy is using you because he sees your depression and uses it to take advantage of you.

One BIG problem with allowing a relationship like that to drag on is that, as you yourself pointed out, it causes your depression to get worse. My suggestion to you is that you really need to work on yourself, to be comfortable with yourself, before pursuing a relationship with anyone. I'm not saying you should purposefully avoid a relationship, but you really need to make sure that person is in it to support and care for you and not just use you. A relationship is about respect and mutual support. And you deserve someone who will respect you and support you. But it will be really hard to find someone to respect you until you respect yourself. So you need to focus on you and let the relationship chips fall where they may.

One other thing about relationships: You need to be very aware that you will never be able to change another person. If they are willing to change for you, it will not be a struggle. You will never have to deal with a confrontation. You will never get promises. it will just happen because if he wants to change for you, he will on his own without outside force.

The second thing about relationships: Men are not mind readers. If you want us to know something, tell us. But don't start a fight to do it. Just calmly speak your mind. If he is open to what you have to say, and responds to it by doing whatever he can to make you happy, he's a keeper. If he fails to put any effort into fixing the issue, kick him to the curb.

I know it's hard, but as soon as you start looking at relationships as a place where he will put as much effort into making you happy and you put into making him happy, you will be on the road to having a much stronger, happier life.