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Posted 9/3/2010 8:08 AM (GMT 0)

  Hi,

  I'm married for many years and I really don know why I have lost the love for my partner, he is a short temper person who verbally abuse me whenever he is angry.

he tend to hurt my feeling deeply but i have been keeping quite about it. but now i feel that i don deserve this treatment. I am isolating myself and i don know what i'm doing. I've been avoiding my partner. what should i do.

I have also talk to him on this matter several times but nothing seem to change.

I'm feeling very hurt as his words have really made me think i'm useless and have failed in life. but to him he feels that its not a problem at all. He says i imagine things.

what is happening and is it really a problem?????????

help??????????

Posted 9/3/2010 8:38 AM (GMT 0)
Im in a long distance,my bf came in my life when my ex left me for someone else. my bf is short temepered and abusive. I too feel like hurt and lonely and worthless.

I dunno if its a problem but I too feel none....not you nor me deserve to be treated like crap. Worse is my guy makes me feel I deserve it !
Posted 9/3/2010 9:22 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Annie and Hello

What is wrong with you two? Why do you feel so worthless that you take abuse from your partners? You both deserve better and quite frankly I don't know why you stay.

Hello: Why do you stay, I know you say you have been married for many years but you don't have to stay because of that. If he verbally and physically abuses you then my advice is to leave as soon as you can. You say you have discussed this with him on many occasions and nothing has changed, then my friend it is time to leave. There are shelters for abused women if that is what you need.

Annie: I can only offer you the same advice, don't be so down on yourself and think that you have to take this abuse and physical harm from him, you are better and deserve better. Get out now.
Posted 9/3/2010 1:02 PM (GMT 0)
OMG I could have written that first post and the same reason is why I have come to this particular forum myself- yet never brought myself to post about it.
For me it has been 30+ years with this man. I have been promising myself for years that when the kids were grown I would leave. They are grown. I think I am close to doing it but I'm scared.
Posted 9/3/2010 1:29 PM (GMT 0)
It is scarey going out by yourself for the first time. But you wont regret it. Life is for everybody. Not just abusive men. We have a right to be happy. Make the move.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 9/3/2010 2:10 PM (GMT 0)
getting by- I know in my heart once I do- if I do I will wonder why I wasted so many years of my life. I know if I heard someone else talk about what I endure (nothing physical but emotionally...bruises go away-bad feelings stay in your heart and brain forever) my heart felt response would be- you deserve better than that! Get out now! Why do you stay? But I have a hard time taking my own advice.
When the kids were small I thought it was easier to stay. I knew it would be a very ugly divorce. He would do and say things that would push my buttons and make me an ugly person to be around as well. I thought it would be less damaging to my children to stay and repress my feelings and keep the peace to the best of my ability but there were times when I lost it and acted in ways I wished I didn't anyway. And I don't think I taught my boys anything good by having them watch their father call me bad names and disrespect me and I my taking it made it seem like it was right. They themselves don't respect me the way they should. My daughter...I have always told her don't ever let yourself be treated like this but that wasn't right either-making me talk bad of her father. Today she is a very independent woman who puts up with nothing- to the total opposite extreme. :(
And here I am. They are all grown and we had a blow out where he called me the C word, said I'm abusive and crazy and accused me of being afraid he was going to find something when I was angry that he went through all my drawers, in my closet and under my bed and pulled out all kinds of stuff that he felt wasn't needed - put it on my side of the bed so when I came home after a 9 hr. day at work I could go through it and see what I would sell at his yard sale. Besides everything else I am tired when I get home. I have RA. I had to do something with the crap if I even wanted to sleep that night!

Am I crazy? I felt violated- am I wrong? Am I abusive because that made me angry? I know I'm not the C-word and you know I feel like this is the last time he can call me that ever again. I have had it.

I hope I haven't hi-jacked this thread- I am so sorry. I got started and I couldn't stop. :(
Posted 9/3/2010 3:02 PM (GMT 0)
WearyRAsufferer,

If you want to start your own thread feel free. I think this is okay, but if the other members feel we have hijacked the thread, we can start a seperate one.

I just want you to know that I understand what you have done. My friend is in the same boat. Her kids haven't left yet, but they are getting up there. The father had them brain washed, but I kept telling her if she stays, they will see it for what it is and they have. Now the kids stick up for her which is great. But I know it is hard. Sometimes it is best to stay for the kids and sometimes it isn't. You can tell. Just keep the kids best interest at heart I guess. But now it is up to you whether to get on with your life or not. Are you seeing a counselor? They help so much with these processes.

Best wishes for a wonderful day. Would you like me to start a thread for you?

Hugs, Karen
Posted 9/3/2010 5:37 PM (GMT 0)
Karen- yes please start a thread for me. Thank you for the suggestion & your kind words.

hello deserves to have her say here exclusively.

Hello- I feel for you- you and I could probably have a very long chat.....
Posted 9/5/2010 5:47 PM (GMT 0)

WearyRAsufferer,- ya i think we should chat more. thks

 Actually i really don know what i'm doing. ppl around me say that verbal abuse can be tolerated and most women do that, but i feel it's too much for me to take. I've totally lost my love. Everyone say that my hubby is a responsible and great guy to be with. but i really don know. I've always thought of all the good things and memories he has done for me and forget and forgive his mistake but now i really cannot.

I cry every night thinking how did i lose the love for him, i was so hurt by his words, soooo deeply but he say that he say it out of anger and he didn't mean it. my point is how can you hurt someone you love with words even when you are angry. I told to his face that i have lost the love, and all he could say is he won't let go of me and that i should stop thinking about leaving amd work out the relationship. But how to???? i'm just going crazy.

He at times make me think that i'm imagining things and that this an excuse i'm giving.

I really don know how on earth i can work it out with him. I just want out. i just started hating guys alot and i just can't take it. its soooo painful.

Do you think i'm really making a mistake. i mean i've tried my level best to be a good wife. I use to love him so much. i would do anything for him, but i've totally lost that love. Feel so numb. do you call this depression. i just hate myself.

really lost

Posted 9/5/2010 5:55 PM (GMT 0)
hello-
tell me more. When does the verbal abuse start and what does it consist of?

I think it's possible to just grow apart and fall out of love too.

For me- we never had anything in common too much- don't know what ever got us together. I know the kids kept us together...
Posted 9/5/2010 6:17 PM (GMT 0)
WearyRAsufferer,
he always douts my love for him, and says things like useless and always compares me with the others. he at time will say that he would have left if i'm not his wife. he just will say wat he feels like saying so i don know.

he lets me do what i want but when he is angry he will condemn the things i do, he say he will change but he won't be happy changing. i mean he just says what he wants to say at times thretened me that he will bash me. but he never hit me. sooo sick and tired.
we must live out of love not fear right ???
so you tell me is this really a problem ??? should i work it out with him????
Posted 9/5/2010 8:35 PM (GMT 0)
Yes you should live out of love and not fear. It sounds like he is very verbally abusive to you. And yes, that is a problem. Are you seeing anybody like a counselor? You need support in your life right now. Keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 9/7/2010 2:18 AM (GMT 0)
hello-it's not hard to fall out of love with someone who brings you down instead of lifting you up. What do you think is keeping you there with him? he says he will change but he won't be happy changing- if he's not happy he will also make you unhappy. Do you think he would go to marriage counseling? Do you think you would want to try that?
Posted 9/7/2010 6:48 AM (GMT 0)
   When he kept saying  the problem was me i told him that i will go for counselling

    but he told me that i was imaging things and i can just solve it on my own.

    so i don think he will come.

   As for me, what i feel is when  marriage fail both party has made mistake.

   My partner abuse me with words and as for me i reacted very late and i cannot

   bring myself to forgive him. but for him what he has done is not wrong. i am the main cause of every problem. And that makes me sooo bad. i really don know how he manage to turn all the blame on me but he jus does that.

  My part i am very suprise to know that i've lost my love for him.

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