Divorce almost final

Hey everyone. I haven't posted in awhile for a variety of reasons. To recap, had a severe depressive episode last summer which put my marriage on the rocks and another earlier this spring which pretty much sealed the deal. Not to say depression is the reason for the divorce, the way my soon to be ex wife handled it was, for me anyway. I learned a lot about her that i wish I'd have never had to learn. We're coming up on our court date or hearing or whatever and I'm starting to feel crappy. I don't know if it's necessarily another episode or not. I have been journaling, not frequently enough, but that does help. Last week we had a long conversation and everything went well. We spoke about how each of us viewed what happened in our relationship and stuff like that. The REALLY hard part is that when I filed for divorce, she made it very clear that I would not have any relationship whatsoever with my step-daughter. That absolutely crushed me. I know there are very good reasons why that might not necessarily be a good idea, but in my opinion it would without a doubt work. I know i can have a positive relationship with my ex, and considering all the little girl has been through, I think it would be best for her. I think it was in March her biological dad died. Anyway, I thought I wouldnt be able to have any sort of relationship with her and my wife wouldnt even tell me how her preschool was going, what types of activities shes into, how shes adjusting, anything of the sort. So i learned that in order to move on in the best way without going crazy, I had to let her go. Then this past conversation happened and now there's a possibility that we can reignite some form of relationship. I know I shouldnt try and be her dad or whatever. But i know i would be a positive male role model and I couldnt love her more. It just really caught me off guard and dont know how to deal with it. I'm afraid if i dont figure something out I might slip back into a bad episode and want to avoid that at all costs. Speaking to my therapist at my last appt. she gave me the really good idea that i could write a letter to her for when she's older. That i think helped me move on knowing that i could do that. Simple as it may be. But now I'm stuck in between. Not knowing is so incredibly difficult. Then pile on top of that the fact that although i know our marriage was a crappy one, i still might want to try and work it out. Thats just a small idea, but i wish it werent there at all. I know it wouldnt work out and i know she doesnt love me. Thats the thing, I still love her with all my heart. We just have completely different outlooks on what love is, and how to deal with relationship problems. She was raised in almost an identical way as my step daughter has so far. Her mom got pregnant young, left the bio dad immediately, got married, got divorced and remarried. My wife hasnt yet remarried as its only been 3 months since i initially filed for divorce, but i imagine she will. During my last episode of depression, she decided it would be a good idea to take a role in a play after work and school. It was initially three nights a week a couple hours a night. By the 2nd week in, she was gone from the moment i got home from work to watch our daughter to whenever she felt like coming home, 3am, 4am, 5am sometimes. I told her that was completely unacceptable and she only got mad at ME. So i asked her on the nights i had therapy (once a week) if she could take our daughter to her moms house, as i could not bring a 4 year old to therapy with me. That was completely overblown on her part and i soon found myself begging for them to come back once a week. Then it was as if we werent married at all. I learned she was going to strip clubs with single men after her play rehearsal, bar nights, going to guys houses to "play guitar". This all went on for about 2 months with her not staying at home pretending to be a single 18 year old, all the while I'm having panic attacks at home while shes not answering her phone at 4am. So i filed for divorce. And for whatever reason, love i guess, im having doubts about it. Maybe doubt is the wrong word, just a lot of what ifs. I dont like the what ifs. And they are starting to wear me down.

the letter is a good thing-as is time. with compassion, jamie.

Yeah, it became very clear to me that i was allowing her mood determine mine. I was in a crappy mood and that made her upset and it just snowballed. But I know my reasons were good for making this decision, its just that i wish it didnt have to be like this. Even after all she's done, and dont get me wrong, i know i made mistakes too, i miss her and wish things could have gone differently.

That was exactly the case Sandy, i felt like the more i gave, or tried to, the more she took. The way i look at it, i tried to gut it out as long as i could and told her what i needed from her. To me, the reason to get married is EXACTLY what happened. If it were a test she couldnt have failed more miserably, she didnt even take the test. She skipped class. So to say i meant to sever the relationship, maybe not. I just needed a major change, for her to realize what she was doing and come back, or divorce. I couldnt live through that anymore. That she was willing to allow me to go through that alone was definitely reason enough to divorce her.

I guess the thing that really scares me is that i had it all planned out so to say. And now I'm starting over. I hate that. I hate that I fell in love with her and now have to do it all again. I'm not afraid of heartbreak, it very well may happen again. I'm not afraid to put myself back out there in time, but i just felt like i would never have to do that again. It's this uncertainty of what life holds that I'm not used to. I have a secure job and was married, i thought all that was left was just to live life. I know everything will work out in time. I know that when healthy I'm a charismatic, good looking, nurturing, confident, successful guy. I just never thought this would happen to me.

I learned a lot from this relationship and not just about what type of person i need to best be myself. I learned a lot about what mistakes i make in relationships and how those mistakes weigh on me and bring on depression. Gosh, there are days im thankful in a weird way that i went through what i did.

I cant thank you guys enough on here. When times are tough I know somebody is here to give great advice and be a great support. The people on this forum are some of the best I've ever had the honor of interacting with and thank god for them. Now its time to get up and MOVE. Part of the reason im feeling down is most likely ive been a lazy bum the past week or two.

Sure it still hurts, even tho it was all the right reasons.
When you went into the marriage, you didn't do so thinking it would/might be a mistake, it just happened.
Lucky you were able to sort it out and move on.

Normal to be licking your wounds in the cave, laying low for awhile. Should be time soon to take a venture out into life again, possibly go out to a movie, there's some comedies out now, havenm't seen them. Just to be out, smell the popcorn, and have a major distration on the silver screen.

Or something else that you will enjoy.

Gotta start somewhere.

Good luck to you Andy, glad you found the forum helpful, and hope you will continue to post from time to time.