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Posted 11/11/2010 4:26 AM (GMT 0)
I am a new member of this community and am looking for an outlet. I am 24 years old and not many people know the severity of how I am feeling. A few years ago, I graduated early from college. I was out a year before my friends and began the working world. The year went on and I felt like I was missing out on all of the fun times in school and regretted my decision, but it was already too late. After the year of working in the corporate world, I decided I needed a change. My family was relocating to different areas for different reasons and I decided to make a cross country move with my boyfriend to be close to my sister. This is when everything seemed to go downhill. I have been in my new location for a year and half now and it continues to get worse.  The company I started working for was awful and made me question my career plans all together. I had zero friends. The girls that I worked with were very stuck up and I did not fit in. My boyfriend landed his dream job but works nights and I never see him. My grandmother who I was very close to passed away. I have been searching for a full-time job for several months and have yet to find one. I am flat broke, no health insurance, no benefits. I sit at home on days that I don't work my part time job and do the same thing over and over again. I can't leave the house because I have no money to spend. It's not college where it is easy to make friends. I have one friend who just had a baby and I never see anymore. My sister is way too busy to spend time with me. I miss all of my friends at home. They all are landing dream jobs, are social butterflies, are getting married and are loving life. I feel like I am in a rut in my relationship, have no hope in finding a job and am very discouraged, have zero friends, and feel stuck. My boyfriend doesn't know that when he is working I sit home and just cry. I cry myself to sleep and just cry because I am so unhappy. Counseling would probably not be a fit for me because I keep things bottled up and really don't like to talk about them, and I do not have the money. I need structure in my life. I feel like I am stuck behind these walls of my apartment with nowhere to go.
Posted 11/11/2010 4:34 AM (GMT 0)
Aside from all of that.. I am also dealing with my boyfriend's mother who basically despises me for the fact that I "took her son away" and "made" him move cross country. I deal with comments and ridicule from his mother constantly. My self image is getting worse. Because of this depression, I have gained some weight, lost energy, etc. I feel unattractive and it makes me self-conscious. I know my boyfriend loves me, but I feel like he doesn't find me attractive anymore and I am driving him away..
Posted 11/11/2010 7:27 AM (GMT 0)
life just blows sometimes, Ive always had so much pride that it make it hard for me to open up even if im dealing with alot of things at once. I keep it bottled up in side because that way no one can judge me, but i still feel lik im being judge I feel like im just not good enough or smart enough, nights i cant sleep and when i fall alseep at four in the morning i don`t wanna wake up. sometimes its better when i sleep because what ever happens isnt real, when bad things happen in dreams when you wake up its over, but in real life no matter how hard you try to wake up out of this nightmare its not going to happen its real. i hold back on life because im depressed i feel as if things are more enjoyable if im not around, i don`t talk to ppl i use to talk tobecause i feel like they don`;t want to talk to me. I unno I just wanna be happy i wanna feel good and do things nd not worry. just live thats all i want but sometimes its soo hard an i can feel myself slippin away from reality. maybe i will always be like this but i don`t wanna be i can`t trust ppl I get nervous around ppl its just who am i i guesss......life just blows
Posted 11/11/2010 2:41 PM (GMT 0)
Both of you need to open up to a counselor. Get your thoughts sorted out. Life can be what you make it. It is up to you to make changes. Often we expect too much too soon. Things, changes, take time. Most of the time that is. We do get abrupt changes that throw us off guard. But take life one day at a time. Get a counselor. It is easier to open up than you think it is. Especially when you have somebody that you can trust. You did that here. That is what is so special about this site. Being anonymous (sp) seems to help to talk openly.

I hope that both of you feel better soon. Welcome to the forum. Keep posting. It really does help.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 11/11/2010 10:51 PM (GMT 0)
I had a horrible night last night. Everything was upsetting me and anything that could make me cry did. I had a long cry and rather than feeling better, I felt horrible. I know I am driving away the relationship with my boyfriend as well. It is now making me feel insecure. I was sitting next to him today and he was texting one of his buddies. He wrote, "I need a vacation man. Vegas? Strip clubs? Anything." How do you think that made me feel? The weird thing is, that is not him. He is very trustworthy and has never given me a reason to doubt him. Am I pushing him away? Is he upset that I am upset all of the time? No romance in the relationship...does he want something else? What do I do?
Posted 11/12/2010 12:00 AM (GMT 0)
Talk to him!!!

Hugs, Karen
Posted 11/13/2010 8:36 AM (GMT 0)
Yup. Communication is key. You've got to discuss this stuff with him. He probably feels pretty inadequate right now because he probably feels like he should be "good enough" to make you happy. While this isn't true and isn't your fault, it's how those around people struggling with depression often feel. My partner and I have had long talks in the past about this very issue. When he sees me crying all the time, not eating, not getting out of bed, et cetera, he feels as if he's just not "good enough" to make me happy. It's important to reassure him that that's not the case. The reasons we feel this way are complex, rooted in our emotions as well as our physical bodies. I always let my fiance' know this, and tell him often that I love him. I also open up to him: why am I feeling down on a particular day, how I feel about my depression, or even just the types of emotions I'm experiencing. That often reaffirms to him that he is NOT the cause of my depression. Happiness and joy come from within. He may be doing everything he can to make you happy, doing everything right, but because of mental and physical issues that are no fault of his own, it may not work. And that's okay. Make it clear that you truly appreciate what he does for you, even if it doesn't alleviate your depression.

All that said, he also needs to do his part. He needs to be willing to open the lines of communication and make an active effort to understand what you are experiencing and going through in a way that doesn't direct everything in on himself.

It takes two to tango, so they say.
Posted 11/14/2010 1:08 PM (GMT 0)
There's a lot of relationship stress there, him working at night, his mother being very negative, you not finding a decent job.
If you went to a therapist, she would probably make suggestions in how to deal with these tangible things. Like what to say to his mom to get her to knock it off, like, "I'm sorry you feel that way about so and so. I know you miss him alot. It must be hard to see your kid grow up and be so independent. He's doing great, has a fantastic job. It makes me feel really bad when you talk to me this way. Please stop blaming me." And if she continues say, "I wish you wouldn't talk so negative to me." And then cut her short, sorry have to go, sorry was just about to leave the house. You owe her nothing. And she's taking too much out of you.

So your boyfriend wants a vacation, maybe the 2 of you could go somewhere, maybe Vegas. Get yourself all dolled up, maybe something sexy , or not, and maybe the new location will spice things up, hotel sex is more fun.

You are depressed. If you could somehow get to a GP, free clinic? and get put on an antidepressant that would help you. I picked up one last night, it was $4, explain that you don't have much money. It will boost you up. Go back if it doesn't in 4 wks, get a higher dose, a different one. Don't give up.

You need someone a professional to talk to. Since its hard opening up, make a note card of what you need to say, be brief, and let her do the talking. Tell her I am here to hear what you have to say about how to help myself. Identify your problems beforehand, the mom, the bf, the job situation. You have to start chipping away at it.

Don't let your experience with one employer sour you on an entire career field. Someone just tonight told me they see a lot of good jobs on Craig's list. You are smart, educated, and talented.

You may not be able to find that dream job just yet, but during the holidays you can pick up something to get some money together.

Have you considered moving back where you're from? Go for a visit, test the waters? You could do that if you had some cash. It sounds like you have made the move from hell, I mean TO hell. You're too young and talented to be stuck somewhere where its just not happening for you. Move on.

Hope that helps a little.
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