more about me

Hi everyone,
when i joined (about a month ago) everyone said they wanted to know more about me, so here goes.

I am Amy, 23 live in the uk with my hubby, 2 rabbits, 4 guineapigs, 1 rat and a cat. I love my family very much, but things have happened to make them hate me.

I really hope no-one judges me, as you havent been in my shoes. I have been depressed on & off since i was 13. I had a touch childhood, my biological father didnt and still doesnt want anything to do with me, so ive put him to one side now. my mum divorced him when i was about 3yrs old, she then got with another man who was a major alcoholic and got her into alcohol when i was about 11, they would drink almost everyday and my mum went into a really bad state of depression. She would smash anything she could get her hands on and hurt herself so bad that she always got carried off into hospital, that would happen almost every weekend.
my mum and stepdad were very aggressive to one another, i was very happy when they split up when i was about 16.

When i was 12, i was raped by one of my mums friends, the only people i have told about that is my hubby and close friends, its very painful to talk about, so wont go into much info about that.

When i was 17 i fell pregnant, which was the best time of my life. Everything was going fantastically i had never been so happy. I met my husband when my son was 4mnths old. we moved in together very quickly and the day we moved in together i found out i was pregnant again, my son was only 5mnths old by that stage.

The beginning of the pregnancy went well, but i had no support as my family lived in a different town, my hubby was working all day and my family had no transport, so i was on my own really. Anyway, about 7mnths into the pregnancy things started to go wrong, i realized it wasnt really what i wanted, but didnt tell no-one about it.

When my 2nd son was born, i rejected him and didnt want him anywhere near me. When he was about a mnth old, my mum took him into her care and we had my 1st son. Things got really rough with my hubby and we split up, my mental state then crashed. I ended up in hospital due to over dose. Social services took my eldest son, while i was in hospital all i wanted to do was get out to get him back.

Anyway when i got out i went back to my mums and she had told social to hold onto my eldest boy until i recovered. the social asked my mum if she wanted some restbite from our youngest, she said yes, so she could help me get back on my feet.
She asked for a weeks break, then after that week social said that they didnt want to split the boys up again, so it was up to me to have them both. Me and my hubby got back together and we decided to do all we could to get the boys back, but i had to get a relationship with my youngest first.

We were seeing the boys for about 3mnths (3days a week for about 4hrs) then social dropped a bombshell that we had to get the boys back within a mnth, i was not ready for that. so we had to decide what would be best and at the time it was to put them into adoption.

That was in the summer, I was on the pill and still severly depressed, i was seeing a psyciatrist everyweek. I found out i was pregnant again just after xmas that year, even though i took the pill religously because i didnt want the same thing to happen again. So i found out i was pregnant and it was like 3rd time lucky.

Everything was going great, until she was about 6mnths old. social services said that we were neglecting her and not giving her what she needed, which was a big lie. so they took her into foster care. I put up a big fight with the adoption team, but they wernt listening to anything i had to say, but i couldnt go through all that we had been through with the boys, it just hurt so much. so after ALOT of thought and crying, we both decided adoption would be the best thing for her and she could be with her brothers, which thankgod she is.

That was 2 yrs ago now and i regret all of it very much, but its done now and theres nothing we can do. We moved to a different town, where we are very happy and have loads of new friends and very supportive people around. I am still very depressed, but i now have people i can talk to. My hubby had the snip and i had an endometrium ablation, so kids are now off the menu. But now i am happier and got alot of support I am very broody, i have never wanted a baby so much, but thats out of the question. so that is upsetting me alot.

Anyway thats me, If anyone actually read all this then i look forward to a reply.

Amy

Hi Amy,

Boy you sure have been through a lot for such a young age. I am glad that your children are in good homes. Do you ever get to see them? Just curious.

You have been through the wringer my friend. But I think you made the right decisions. In time you can get to know the children. It might be awhile, but it will happen.

Know that we do care about you here. And that we are here to support you through this difficult time. Keep posting my friend. Come here for support.

Hugs, Karen

That sure was a lot of living crammed into a short time.
I understand you wanting to have another baby, but that hasn't gone well for you for some reason or other, and now you have taken steps to prevent further pregnancies. I think that was a very smart move.
Its only natural to see new babies and want one of your own, we all go thru that as women, more or less. I am now 61, and still wish I could just have 5 min. holding one of my babies in my arms again, gazing into those precious faces. Its just a human mothering instinct. When you can't, you can't.
Try not to feel worse about it by continuing to brood, move towards acceptance.
Take a deep breath and look to the future. Maybe you CAN get your other 3 kids back. If not, then what can you do to move on with life in the adult world. Like going to school to be a something or other like you used to think about when you were a kid, before things spiraled out of control having babies. There are probably programs that would help you do that, ask social service.
Hope you are careful with your new friends, try to stay positive, and avoid any behaviior that is going to be harmful in the long run. Know your limits.
Strive to stay healthy.
Best wishes,