i just want to die

i don't know, i can't take it anymore.  if it's not one thing, it's another.  i'm a complete miserable failure at work, i'm reminded every single day.  everything i do is wrong, they make me feel incompetent, hell they've even told me i'm incompetent before.  but, i can't quit.  i really can't quit even if i wanted to.  not for another 3 1/2 years, and if they kick me out...well, that will ruin the rest of my life, and other jobs as well.  it will be on my permanent record forever. i feel so stuck.  and my husband used to be a happy go lucky guy.  he used to be happy...until we got married.  now all he does is tell me how miserable he is and how b/c he had to move he doesn't have any friends and how he's always angry these days.  i'm a failure at work, i'm a failure at home, my husband gets angry over everything, weve only been married less than a year!   i can't even confide in my parents b/c my dad is "proud" of me, and i don't want to tell him i'm a failure and how much trouble i'm in, becuase i don't want to embarass him or ruin the illsusion that i'm not ok.  and my mother...well, she'll pretty much tell me she knew i was a failure all along.  that's what she's told me virtually all my life.  that'd i'd never amount to anything, and i think she's right.  god knows i've tried, but i can't.  i don't even have a good friend to talk to things about...i'm just waisting away.  i've tried to make friends, but every single friend i do make ends up using me for one thing or another, and then stops being friends with me when they don't need it anymore. my heart is heavy, i don't know how much i can take of this.

you are strong, you can do it, i know how you feel as i am going through virtually the same thing. i dont have time to fully respond as i am headed to hell soon myself, but check out the i cant do this anymore thread and even go back a few pages to the im gonna snap thread and you will see that we are in the same boat. feel free to email me and ill respond later tonight when i get off work

i sent you an email, worriedgirl. thxs, everyone else. it does seem like the end of the world, though. i can't do work right, i can't do being married right, i can't do being a daughter right, i'm not even been giving the chance of being a friend right. i'm am curious as to what these other "options" are. i've alredy been diagnosed with depression, i've already been talking to therapists, i'm already on medication. i don't know what else i can do.

I know how you feel. Really, I do. Why do you say you're a failure at work? I always felt like a failure at any of my jobs because I felt like other people though I was slow, incompetent.. Anything I said, people would give me the "look" and talk to me like I was a kid. It was to the point that I was so stressed about messing up, that I started messing up more. It's a vicious circle, it really is. The only way I get through it is reminding myself that my job is not my life. Yes, you have to go every and you have to see these people every day. But as long as you know that you do what you can and you're not incompetent, then F them. They can't fire you unless you give them a reason to (excessive absenteeism, etc) so I have full confidence that if you just stick it out and do what you can, the next 3 years (which sounds like forever, I know!) will be over and you can move forward!

As for the friends issue.. I'm going through the exact same thing and I haven't figured it out yet, either. I wish I could help you more with that :( I know how hard it is. It's constantly on my mind and it really brings ya down...But if your husband is feeling the same way, why don't you both go take a class or something together? You'll be sure to meet other people, the both of you! I know it sounds like blind optimism but it really is worth a shot.. I used to blow off everything people suggested to me but honestly, giving it a try helps even if you don't get what you hoped for.

I really hope things start to look up for you. It's a drag (understatement) and life can be a B sometimes, but you can always bounce back. Keep us posted!

I only have a minute but wanted to let you know from yet another person, you are not alone. When so many things are going wrong, it can be really tough to focus on anything that is going right...or at least not wrong. A couple quotes help me get through times like these...


If you are going through hell, keep going. - W Churchill

Do what you can baby, and leave the rest. - Grandma

And the poem 'On Pain' by Kahil Gibran, especially the lines below

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain......

Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self."

I like that poem by sasta.
You will get through this. I am living in a rough time engraved. I had to take a medical leave from school because of a harsh chemical imbalance. It threw my in the hospital and I wasnt lucky living in year 2010. It really stunk for me.
I lived through hell. Just like Winston Churchill and Charles Degualle they lived through jello it was like living through jello and right now with the economy alot of people are depressed.
You are not alone and will get through this. I have a friend who doesnt talk to me that much anymore and shes depressed from her dad and her cousin whom just died. I want you to know that you will find the right medication and the right psychiatrist.
Until then just hope and pray just pray that everything will be alright.
You just have to take life inch by inch. My aunt shirley said inch by inch life is a sinch. Yard by yard life is very hard.

Just put one foot in front of the other and you will be on the yellow brick road. Just follow that yellow brick road to that happy place.

sincerely, givinguponit24