The Three D's in my life.....Desparity - Darkness - Depression

Most of my life I've been depressed, or at least as far back as I could recall.  Sometimes the medications work - other times I barely "get by", but those feelings of insanity are always there - stagnatly idle, awaiting any slight trigger to set it off.  I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder at the age of 26 (ten years ago), then un-diagnosed, then diagnosed, un-diagnosed and so on and so on.  For the past few years I've been "undiagnosed" and mis-diagnosed numerous times.  As it stands right now, I've been newly diagnosed with Depression and PTSD - NOT Bipolar Disorder, though it's what I've been treated almost a decade for.  I've bounced on and off of an array of medications with mild to severe side-effects, i.e. rash, hives, loss of coordination, feeling, worse depression, and so forth.  This vicious cycle has gotten the best of me....it's only taken a decade or so, but it's won.  I was again placed on a new medication yesterday for depression, combined with other medications - which now leave me in an almost semi-comotose state.  Well, maybe not THAT severe, but I clearly feel drowsy and tired ALL the time, and I hate it.  I once was so active and alive, and now I see myself deteriorating (mentally and physically) daily, which of course depresses me even more so.  I'm not the type of person who doesn't try to better my condition; my life - I've tried everything.  I come from a long family history of bipolar, depression, OCD, EID (explosive intermittant disorder) and so forth; I never stood a chance.  I suffer from insomnia, and it worsens during the long winter months.  My PTSD (triggered by a traumatic childhood incident(s)) plays a huge role.

All in all, I know I'm depressed, and I want to pull myself out of it so badly, yet I can't.  I have friends and family members that I could talk to, but I can't bring myself to do it.  I sick and tired of being sick and tired.  My relationship with my spouse is horrid.  He's selfish, arrogant, judgmental, and cares only about himself and HIS feelings.  Maybe I brought this on.  God knows I've spewed some pretty evil things out of this uncontrollable mouth - yet, I feel he should have been strong enough to help me, not hurt me worse than I was.  I have no support.  I have two beautiful daughters, but I refuse to talk to them about my mental issues; I'm supposed to be the strong one.  Also, knowing my past history, one would think I would want better for myself and my health, but the same destructive, unhealthy choices I made back then, are the same choices I continue to make.  I could just disappear into a deep dark hole and stay there forever or until my mind takes back control of this vicious disease.

~Ainsely

Hello!

I'm so sorry that you've had to go through so much. I think with mood disorders like Bipolar, PTSD, or even depression are all really hard things for doctor's to diagnose, because sometimes the symptoms are really close together. My own doctor simply says that I have a "mood disorder", because in some cases putting a specific tag on the disease can affect the way that other people look at you (sad but true...). It might be helpful to look at your mood instability as part of the general category as well, despite what any doctor tells you. The point is, something biological is going on with your brain, and for whatever reason it just isn't responding.

Hang in there with the side-effects. A lot of times (as I'm sure you know), the medications seem to worsen your depression in the beginning, but it'll get better with some patience and a little bit of suffering.

My mother suffered from anxiety and depression in years past, and she thought very similiar to you in regards to trying to be the strong one in the family. But being her daughter, I can honestly tell you that keeping your mental illness a forbidden topic or a locked away problem only makes things a lot worse. I hated not knowing what my mom was taking for her anxiety, or how she felt. Even worse was coping with her when she would just sit in a chair, not talking to anyone, or freaking out behind closed doors. I'm willing to bet that your daughters would feel much more comfortable if you let them in on what is happening with you, no matter what their ages. Keeping it to yourself will only hurt everyone. Maybe your spouse feels the same way, as well. Like Karen said, it might be helpful to explain why you are behaving like you are.

Try to keep posting and we'll help you get through this. Best of luck, and stay strong.

A,
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I can't even imagine. Hang in there, though. I went through a mess myself being told I had MDD, GAD, BP, PTSD, and others I can't now remember. Crazily enough, it turned out that I had depression secondary to hypothyroidism & all those meds were just making me worse (which is what I kept telling them was happening but nobody believed me).
My advice would be to listen to your gut. If you're noticing patterns, like if something is making you feel better or worse (in my case, eating salt made me feel better & they thought it was a craving, but turned out I was sodium-deficient) then write those things down & keep searching until you find a doctor who will listen to you. Then, you just need to be patient -- it does take a while for most meds to work. Talk to internists, neurologists, psychiatrists, sleep specialists & anyone else who might be able to help put together the puzzle. I do know what it's like to wait nearly 10 years for a diagnosis & it truly is a living hell, but you've got 2 beautiful daughters who deserve to have you well and that's what makes it worth continuing the fight.
We're here for you whenever you need to vent or get support.

peace & prayers,
frances