Recovery is ahead

 I hope this will give hope to those of you still in the thick of your depression.  I suffered since my late teens, but thought it was just "me".  After marriage (poor husband!) and 4 children, I was 95 lbs on a 5'6" frame. Part of my self punishment. When I realized I was on the threshold of anorexia, the will to be strong for my kids took over, and I fought it. Only to be faced then with suicidal thoughts (a car crash sounded good) Again the will to live, due to my kids saved me, as I did finally go for help in those darkest days. I tried zoloft, without much success, and gave up on them. Alone again. When the suicidal impulses returned, on a serious level, about 8 years later, I again went for help. This time with Effexor.  This brought me out of it, and I was able to view life from the "normal" side. I read a line in a book which read "depression is rage denied" It hit me that I had a lot of anger, to just about every aspect of my life. I know confront these, though still not out loud, and deal with them in a new way. Just being aware helps. It takes a monumental effort. But it seems to be keeping me together.  Good luck every one, I hope you find where it comes from and defeat it!   PS, I am still married, and whereas my husband acknowledges my depression, he doesn't "get" it.

Cheia and Akram

It always amazes me that well educated people, often in their senior years still don't understand depression. A short time ago I was with a friend I had not seen for a few years. I don't hide my illness and mentioned to him that I was on Effexor for my chronic depression. He was almost angry with me. "What have you got to be depressed about", he exclaimed.

This from a 55 year old former medical equipment salesman who called on doctors and hospitals for years. It appears he thinks you can avoid the illness just by willing it away.

Yeah, that's about how my husband feels. Like it's a personal affront to himself, almost like I did it on purpose, or am using it as an excuse for things I can't control.

I've been reading a few of the older threads, it's surpriseing the memories or flashbacks of things I thought I had forgotton about.... the precise moment of the "big one" in my depression, the defining moment of "decent into maddness". Actually, for me, it was the day I shut myself off. Entering passive resistance was my only way of coping with the things I couldn't cope with. Husband working away from home, 20 years married, and we figured we've lived together for 5. That big one was caused by finally accepting the fact he would never quit his job and live at home. Accepted yes, dealt with, no. He seems just fine with it, perhaps that's part of why he dosen't understand my problems.
Hey, all us double whammy SAD people, sun's shining here, (Great White North) and my roses are now pruned, and I even had the water on them, after I persuaded the ice to come out of the hose! Hope days are bright for all of you!