I ended up X-mas 2010, almost ending it...

I had it really bad, went to the psych emergency ward, and they immediately admitted me to a closed department. I was locked up for about five days. Since then, I take Mirtazapin, and I regularily see a therapist. Have seen her for over a year, now. She sort of tells me that I won't be able to attend her therapy as often as before. I'm a Swede, so the government pays for most of it, which also gives them the right to kick me out.

To make a long story short, this is how I am today. I just can't stop crying. I watch a film, and something in it triggers it. I read a book, and something I read triggers it. I don't know whether that is a sign of health or whether I am going back to the closed ward again. It hurts like hell, but somehow I don't think it's back to the slammer...

My therapist has made me realize that I have been depressed since I was a small boy. My father was a genuine pig, a real swine. I just never understood that the treatment me and my siblings recieved was undeserved. I always reckoned myself as a loser, as not deserving better. In a way, I still do. I was never popular with women, never really succeeded at work. Perhaps I never let myself be successful? Be that as it may, I feel so confused, so hopelessly confused.

Then again, those tears I shed, they hurt like hell, my whole body shudders. If that's healing, is it worthwhile? I'm not entirely convinced it is...

Like someone said, I don't want to die, I just don't want to live. Or do I?

 

hang in there, we care. walking and seeing my therapist helps me. walking hard at times because i use a cane and am in massive pain, but i push thru. it is my reflective bit. music too. playing best of saxon. now that's going back!!!
ps, metal rules!!!! with compassion, jamie, male 38.

Sorry for the short reply, but I lost it when reading your replies... Funny thing, I am still able to cope at work. I am a high school teacher of history and social science, but I'm fortunate enough to have such lovely teenagers. I draw much strength and energy from them...

Karen, I see my therapist once a month, nowadays. But that was before my losing control. I am trying to set an appointment with her, in the beginning of February. Fingers are crossed....

I will definitely talk to her about my medication. Problem is, she's not an MD, so she can't prescript. However, there are MD's in the house.

You know, I have been hanging in there, been doing really well until the beginning of this month. Many small things (and big, of course) triggers my crying. I have been coping at work, but we are just about to do the Holocaust at school. I don't know that I won't be able to take all those horrible pictures, witness acounts and films. I've been to some camps, including Auschwitz. That was just about the worst I've ever seen. (The memory triggers tears, for sure.)

Right now, I am thinking maybe my crying is instead of all those tears I should have shed through my life. My father is dead, missed by noone, since 2002. You know, he had his secretary type the letter, even to sign it for him, ending our relationship (not that I regret it that much). I don't miss my father, I miss having a father. I never had one proper, really...

Welcome to the depression board and to HealingWell. We're glad you're here. You're in a very dark place right now and it's hard and lonely. But everything will be okay with time. You need someone to talk to and we can fulfill that hole for you to some extent, so it's good you found us.

Take it one day at a time, there is always something to live for. Please know that coming here and sharing your feelings was a brave thing to do.

Begin to undermine the way depression works by starting to look for subtle positives. The benefits of keeping a ‘gratitude log’ extend beyond lifting depressive feelings to physical health, wellbeing, and alertness levels.  Make a point of sitting down twice a week and listing all the stuff for which you can possibly be grateful. Your list can be the things we notice around us that sound simple but it will help you focus on the good things in life.  "“I am grateful that  the morning sunshine on Wednesday made life brighter "

Take care and stick with us.

Kindly,

Kitt

fully understand. glad ya feelin' better my swedish friend. from your aussie friend. jamie

So nice of you to care, and to show it. I am touched. Yes, I feel better, but I am still unstable. And I still a bit frightened of the deep holes in my soul, But it feels good, to get "my demons" of my chest... To express my feelings is a good way to manage them...


So good of you all to care!

Thanks, Jamie, that's nice.

I don't really know what happened to me the other week. It seemed as if every little piece of emotional input just broke right through my defences...

I'm on a long journey, to a life that I know very little about: a normal life. I'm a lifelong bachelor, no kids, took my degree 2005, been a teacher ever since. It's like growing up, I guess. I'll turn 50 come June, so I guess it's time.

I am ok. Really I am. I'm not good, but I'm ok. It's a crisis I went through. I think. There will probably be crises to come. Crying is cleansing, in a way. You guys helped, just by being there and by writing nice stuff...

man, this really really hit home! i'm so sorry that you've suffered so much. i think the best thing to do, is to separate yourself from this illness. that is so scary and hard, you are not your depression. you are not a bad person for feeling this way. you feel this way because of chemicals in your head and experiences you've had. if those two circumstances went away, you would just be you. happy you. your sadness and horrible depression doesn't define who YOU are. i am so sorry you feel so sad that all sounds terrifying and very scary. how are you doing now?