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Posted 2/5/2011 2:58 PM (GMT 0)
Hi it's dolover4 here and I haven't posted in a while. I just needs some feedback on something. My stepdaughter has been living with us for a year now and things have not been going very well here. There is too much to go into but my main concern is her going to her moms quite often now. She left her moms because she wasn't getting along with her and she  didn't want to live there anymore and now she seems to want to be there all the time. I don't really mind because it gives my husband and I time alone but it is almost a kick in the face for us. I think that her mother is allowing her boyfriend to stay up there and she is now trying to be the cool parent and get one over on us. I don't know why it bothers me so much because it is her mother. Do you think that is normal or does she really hate living here and wants to go back? I really need some help on this one.

Doglover4

Posted 2/5/2011 3:34 PM (GMT 0)
Hello, Doglover4,

You need first, in my view, to recognize that what's happening isn't in any way your fault. She's a teenager, and that says it all. I've been told that teenagers are testing life just as one tries on one suit after another to find the one that fits perfectly. So you need to stop worrying.

Since your husband isn't overly concerned about it, you need to recognize that your home life is stable and that affection between you and your husband is relaxed and calm. Be thankful for those good things.

If you were her mother, the situation might be different. If the girl does not recognize the healthy homelife you and your husband are providing for her, it's going to be her mother's job to straighten things out for the girl and teach her what's best for her life. Eventually, if the mother doesn't do that, the girl is going to need psychiatric help to recover from the attempts of the mother to control the girl again by doing things that may not be in the child's best interests.

The important thing for you is that you not worry and that you do not build up any guilt for a teenager's immaturity. It is definitely not your fault, it seems. Enjoy your life now; if the time comes that the girl
wants to come back to you and your husband, then you might consider offering her psychiatric help to recover from the trauma of her life--whatever that might be.

Wishing you a happy and peaceful life,

It's Genetic
Posted 2/5/2011 8:01 PM (GMT 0)
I agree with IG, if she is going to her mom's then there isn't any reason to worry. She is her mom's responsiblilty then. And it really isn't your place to question. If you are concerned, have a talk with your husband about it. If this is giving you and your husband quality time, then that would be something to enjoy. Let them take the responsibility of what she does. And if she isn't doing the right things over there, it falls on her mother. You can only do so much. Being a stepmom can be difficult at times. But you are doing a good job. Try not to get in the middle of it. Does your husband suspect that she is seeing a guy over there? If so, it is his worry, not yours. Be thankful that you are the stepmom and not the mom.

Best wishes to you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 2/5/2011 8:07 PM (GMT 0)
impossible to say.  very natural dynamic with a teen ager in a divorced family.  its not your fault.  talk with your husband about the whole pie. we
Posted 2/5/2011 11:20 PM (GMT 0)
She has not gone back to her mothers for good but she is going up there alot. She has a boyfriend here and I think that she is going up there with him and her mother is allowing him to sleep there, something we would never allow. I know that what she does and how she turns out is not my problem but my husband and I have given up so much not only financially but emotionally aswell. I just feel that I have gone through all this stress for her to go back to her moms guite often when apparantly it was so bad up there. My husband has forked over thousands of dollars for her teeth because her mother never took her to the dentist and it was becoming a health issue. She also had to have braces and I don't think she is appreciating any of it.  They are probably talking at her moms about how bad it is here and that my stepdaughter never thought it was going to be like this. I think when she came here she thought there was going to be now rules or discipline and that is why she came here. Her Dad can be very soft on her especially when he only saw her every second weekend. Anyone who has any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

Doglover4

Posted 2/6/2011 12:27 AM (GMT 0)
This situation is between the two of them and the daughter. I wouldn't get so involved. This is only going to cause bad feelings. I would share your thoughts with your husband, but that is as far as I would go. Does he know there is a guy over there?

Really your only issue should be what goes on under your roof. Let it go and just do the best you can with her. If your husband is too soft on her, he will deal with it later. You may see problems occur with her upbringing, but all you can do is watch. It isn't your place to interact. I know it is hard watching this, but that is about all you can do.

Hugs, Karen
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