Depression / Affection / Change

I posted here a few days ago about marriage and depression and you were kind enough to offer some advice so I hope you don't mind me going a bit off topic on this one.

I've been married to my wife for over 10 years now and we have 2 daughters aged 8 and 6. A couple of years ago my wife lost all feelings of affection towards me. Now since about 6 months we have had no sex whatsoever as she just cannot get around the fact that she has no feelings for me. She was really really low and was diagnosed with depression but now she has been off the meds for a couple of weeks and there is no change to her feelings. She is consumed with guilt that she cannot offer me what she thinks I want so last week came to the conclusion that something has got to change and that we should separate and divorce.

I should also say that apart from when she is on a downer from the depression, we get on really well and we would be good friends if we separated. We have agreed to share looking after the children 50:50 and I think that we can handle that OK.

All this I have covered in my last post but last night we had a long talk and agreed that we will definitely have to sell the family home and buy 2 smaller houses. This is not a problem as we are very lucky in that we've got enough money to live separately. While we were talking, she basically said that she has never been happy in our current house which interestingly we have been in for just a bit longer than the marital problems have been going on. She says that she does not feel like she belongs, she does not feel safe (although it is a very safe neighborhood), she says all the neighbors look down on her (not true), she says it is a bigger house than we need (that is true). So we talked about buying a smaller house as a faimly and then she said that (although she does not want to give me any false hope) it is possible that a move of house might make her feel differently and that if she was happy then maybe the relationship would improve. Certainly if we sold up and got a smaller place then we would be able to do many more things like holidays / going out etc that we don't do much of right now as all our money is tied up in the house.

Sorry, it's taken a while but I'm now getting towards my questions and there are a few of them!

1. Is it possible for depression to completely cut off the affection that you hold for your partner?

2. Can something like a move of house ease someone's depression?

3. If someone's depression is eased then can the feelings of affection come back?

4. Am I just an idiot for holding out any hope that depression is the cause of the marriage problems and would I be best off just finding somewhere else to live and pressing on with the divorce?

Thanks for you understanding. As I say, this is not really a marriage thread but I believe that our problems are linked to depression so I hope you don't mind. If anyone knows of a good marriage group like this one then please let me know.

Hello, Trotterlyon,

I think the answers to your questions for Nos. 1, 2, and 3 are yes.
The answer to No.4 is probably no.

You've hit on one of the keys to a companionable marriage. Getting away from the routine of life for a vacation is really a must to alter depressed feelings. If you wife is at home all the time, the routine can be deadly unless your wife just happens to be one in a million who is a happy stay-at-home homemaker who doesn't need anything other than the house and children to make things happy.

Before I considered selling the home, I'd try to plan a vacation that the two of you may enjoy in some resort area where the atmosphere is entirely different from the home. Adding variety to your homelife is a real encouragement for contentment.

If you and your wife agree on a smaller home, I can see that a change which provides you with more income to have some leisure away from routine would be very beneficial. Actually, it's not so much the size of the home, it's the monotony of routine that gets to a wife so readily.

I hope you both find a happy medium to keep things harmonious.
I would also suggest psychiatric counselling and taking medicastions if the docotr feels it's necessary to bring the wife back to a less tense and desolate feeling. You might also need some therapy to recover from the effects it has on you.

I hope that your marriage can be brought back to peace and contentment. I think it shows good possibilities with both partners trying to work things out. You are certainly talking sensibly about the whole matter. The intellectual communication is good.

Good wishes,

It's Genetic

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 2/18/2011 9:15:55 AM (GMT-7)