concerned

YES, I HAVE BEEN THIS WAY ALSO. IT TOOK ME TIME, AND THERAPY. REMEMBER THAT GRIEF IS A PERSONAL THING, THERE IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG WAY OF DOING SO. MY CONDOLENCES OVER THE LOSS OF YOUR FRIEND MIKE. ONE DAY AT A TIME MATE. HERE FOR YA. JAMIE.

Thanks guys, it still really hasn't hit me yet although I have stopped and htought about it at length for a few times during the day, especially last night when I was with my friend who was still pretty close with her. Thought about how she was only 24 and she had such determination and fight in her. Battling cancer and living on her own (her parents were going through problems), working full time, still going to college. If she was able to do all of that, it makes me wonder why I can't pull myself out of this annoying mess of a rut I'm in.

It's just the way I look at things lately....(and I never used to think this way)...is that I'm beneath everyone because of this (disability) anxiety/depression that I have. I feel so weak and useless half of the time, so I loko up to people I know and try to I guess mimic them in a way in an effort to pull it together. Seems no matter what I do I always find myself back here though.

So stressed out at work today, I wrestle within my own head all day whether or not I should leave the bank I work at. I was talking to one of the hiring coaches and they even admitted today that the investments department which is where I want to go into, RARELY has openings. It wouldn't discourage me if it was just hard to get in there, because I know that I can outwork a lot of people. I may be a depressed/anxious/grumpy guy....lol but if there's one thing I've always believed about myself it's that I will outwork anyone. What's discouraging me now is that not ONE spot has opened up in the 6 months that I've been working here, and there's plenty of people who are here before me who want to do the same thing. So who's to say that when a spot finally opens up that I'm actually going to be considered for it? or who's to say that a spot even opens up? The people who handle investments there have been doing it for years and years and years, I'm really getting discouraged and frustrated. Feel like I'm just headed down another dead end road.

Thanks Kitt, the only problem with therapy I have noticed is my pride/ego. I'm this big insecure baby who can't take when someone criticizes them. So when I am talking to them and they mention what I'm doing wrong in a certain situations, I retaliate and try to explain why I did a certain thing, or think a certain way. Another problem I have with therapy is thinking that I'm being controlled, like I'm not being me. The "old" me used to do whatever he wanted and enjoy it, not to do something just because his therapist told him that it might make me feel better. Maybe that's just me,a nd maybe that's what makes me nuts. But thats just how I look at my situation now. Pretty much that everything I do is based upon the fact that I want to feel better, not to actually enjoy the event. That's why I go out with my friends still, thats why I stay busy at work, and try to go to the gym. It's all to feel better, but it doesn't work. I still feel like I'm not even here.

I emailed a new therapist last week and he got back to me and told me to give him a call to set up an appointment. Think this might be my last attempt at therapy. The other therapists in the past I just haven't clicked with, and it is probably honestly my fault. But I just VERY uncomfortable confiding my insecurities to someone. I've never been one in the past to do that. It makes me feel vulnerable and weak, and I always start wondering "my friends dont do this, nobody in my family does this, why am I the one who has to see a therapist?".

Hey dave, you're definetly right with that one impression. I 100% feel like my depression/anxiety is a character/personality weakness. I don't look at it as being a medical problem. I know it definetly has a medically proven cause, but from everything I hear from self help books, to therapists, to everywhere, it's all brought on by my thought patterns. It's been nearly impossible for me to wrap my head around the fact that I've been wrong about thinking so negatively or pessimistically over the years. It's almost as if I don't know any other way.

And no I haven't really looked at other banks for the opening I'm looking for. Here's my dilemna with this situation....

I'm 25 and have a 2 year associates degree in business administration. In the past I tried working at an investment firm to become a licensed stockbroker, but the company just gave m the run around pretty much. I was there for 5-6 months doing cold calling, and they promised me it would only take me 3 months until they start enlisting me into classes to get my license. I brought it up to my boss then and he said that he wants to change the policy that all his brokers have 4 year bachelors degrees. I was not about to cold call for another 2 years and get paid the very minimal salary that I was getting at the time so I left. Now I feel like it's happening all over again, in a different situation though. I never really wanted to work in a bank. I always wanted to be a stockbroker and be involved in the markets. I really have no passion or interest for day to day transactions or operations of a financial institution.

I got the job because I heard that you are able to move up into a financial services position, and after being here 6 months there is NEVER an opening. There's been an opening for just about every other job within the bank, besides where I'm looking to go. I don't know if it's time to look back at a private investment firm or maybe if it's time to think of a new career path altogether. All I know is that I really dislike my current job, and it has nothing to do with the people I work with. I love everyone I work with, it's just the requirements of being a teller. I just hate it, people just step on you and treat you like trash most of the time. I'm not getting paid that well at all and I can't even get overtime, but somehow am working 6 days. I don't like the "retail" feel of it, it's really customer service based to be honest. I just don't think I'm well equipped for that kind of job. I can spark up conversation with just about anybody about anything, but whenever I get challenged or insulted or anything of tha tnature, I have a raelly rough time reacting. Just thinking working in a branch is not made out for me, thinking I'm better off behind the scenes somewhere or atleast as a financial advisor somewhere just meeting with clients 1 on 1. Who knows, maybe these are all just dreams that are never going to materialize. Been thinking a lot about going back to school for computer programming too lol. Only been having that thought because of me realizing just how much this current job doesn't seem to be suited for me.

Well the week of work is done and now it's back to the lonely/boring weekends. I couldn't even pull together the drive/energy to go to my old friends wake during the week. I told you guys she passed away the other day and on both nights of her wake I felt waaaay too strange to go there. I felt like I would have a severe panic attack if I did. I cannot shake this floating feeling, this out of body feeling. I look at my family and friends and everything just feels so darn strange to me. I feel like I can't even recall events of good times that we used to have, all I seem to think about is what the hell is this distorted reality that I'm living in.

I just got done eating breakfast with the family, I actually made them breakfast. I was just so grumpy the whole time. They were talking about sports/news/whatever is going on right now, and I just didn't even chime in. Then the topic came up about how I tried out for basketball twice when I was younger and got cut twice from the team, and how I went to go play football the year after and quit. I told them that I quit football because I was just trying to replace the dissapointment of being cut in basketball but I never really wanted to play football, so I just stopped. Anyway, the whole time we were talking I was just grumpy and monotone, that'sp retty much how I am lately. It's not really just since I'm off the meds, I've been pretty monotone and in my own world ever since this depression has seemed to consume my life these last 1-2 years. I just can't seem to get a grip on my life/moods. Every therapist I see doesn't seem to help, I've only given this new one about 4 visits but honestly I don't think it's going anywhere.

I want to give this new therapist I found a call but now I'm worried and concerned, feeling like a psycho for continuing to switch doctors so often. I know a major problem of mine is the fact that I just sit around in my room and watch movies/tv shows/sports all day long and don't do anything. My family and friends will tell me to pull it together and get out and do something. They honestly have no idea the degree of antisocialness/depression/isolation that I feel. I don't want to be around anyone at all, and I've felt this way for a looooong time. I'm really starting to doubt if I can get back into that old mike, the old mike where I liked to go out with friendsa nd looked foward to weekends at the casinos having fun, or a fishing trip or a camping trip for a day. I haven't been enthusiastic about a darn thing since my depression has gotten really bad. And the tension headaches, out of body feeling, and floating feels are just getting very hard for me to take anymore.

I joined a run/walk club with the company I'm currently working for and joined a training club to get into shape for it. They do runs for charities and stuff and it is totally something out of my comfort zone, never did anything like that before or even really gave much thought to it. Getting anxiety about it pretty bad because I never pictured myself as that outgoing social person in that kind of setting, we'll see how it goes in a couple of weeks I guess. There's not really much else that I'd want to voulenteer for though. I definetly think about myself way too much though, it's wha tmakes me feel so isoalted and alone even in the most crowded parties or places. It's been a never ending struggle.

Sorry to keep posting the same stuff up all the time Kitt, I know I can be a real pain in the ass with this stuff. Believe me, I stopped talking to my family and friends about it because it honestly has completely consumed my thinking all the time lately. It's just I honestly have ZERO idea where to go from here, therapy hasn't worked for me, meds haven't worked, and you're right....this isn't working either. Really questioning whether or not there will ever be one or if I'll just be this neurotic mess forever now. I never wanted to act like I was better/worse then anyone else on this forum, I just panic a lot about my current situation and that's the reason for the ridiculous amount of posts. That and the fact that I don't do anything because whenever I do go out and do something I'm an absolute mess. Anyways, sorry about all the posts and I'll put a stop to it.

Also, Mike - are you reading other threads here? You can read so many stories of others who feel or have felt EXACTLY LIKE YOU! You can read how and what reached them and changed them.

I could share my long story, but the short version is "focus less on being (in my head) and more on doing (out of my head)". Once you become resident in your own skin and get centered so you feel it deep in your belly, the head and it's often ridiculous and science-fiction-like thoughts becomes much less of a driving force.

Thanks guys, I am definetly trying to do the right thing. It is just so unbearable when I feel so completely lost/confused/out of control. That's how I feel practically all the time, it seems as if I NEVER enjoy anything I'm doing anymore. It's getting so frustrating. In the middle of my complete breakdown yesterday (had a really rough day with thinking that I was going insane) I decided to look up the early signs of schizophrenia. I realized from the site that I found that I absolutely have all of these darn symptoms.

Social Withdrawal, Hostility or Suspiciousness, Deterioration of personal hygiene (not so much here), Expressionless gaze, Inability to cry or express joy, Inappropriate laughter or crying, Depression, Oversleeping or insomnia, Odd or irrational statements, Forgetful;unable to concentrate (MAJOR), Extreme reaction to criticism, Strange use of words or way of speaking.

I guess some of these I just think I'm doing, like for example at my job I had a customer come in and ask about how she can wire her son/daughter money in college. Then she was complaining about why she has to do that, and I gave her her options and then last thing I said was...."And there's one more option, they can always just get a job". I didn't even realize how sarcastic and stupid that was to say until after it flew out of my mouth, thank god she took it well though.....but I felt like a complete idiot afterwards. But it's very hard for me to follow conversations and to show interest in other people lately, I try, I really do. But it just always comes back to me....so annoying.

As you all know, this has been my underlying problem the whole time ever since I've been dealing with my major depression/anxiety problems. I can list all the reasons of things that happened to me when i was younger, a couple years ago, even now. The bottom line is though is that the physical feelings I feel, the inability to focus, and the strange dreamlike feelings, make me believe that I'm schizophrenic. I know everyone has told me that anxiety causes these feelings, but it's just very hard for me to accept that. I feel too strange and too different from my past "normal" self. Messed up part is too is that when I do have a few moments of normalcy, I can't keep the good streak going because then I start worrying about the good streak and wind right back up in the Panic Attack/Depression cycle.

I took a step hopefully in the right direction just now, I scheduled appointment for yet again ANOTHER therapist. This wll be the 5th one I will have seen since my first diagnosis. I don't even know if it's a good or a bad thing that I keep switching honestly, everyone says you have to trust the doctor tha tyou're seeing. I trust these doctors, I just don't see any results from them and I get worried that I'm crazy and they don't believe me.