what's wrong with me?

I feel like I am in the middle of a major depressive episode or something.  For the last couple of weeks I just feel overwhelmed, confused, like I can't think straight.  I am tearing up over things that seem odd--like today in church I started to cry every time I sang a hymn.  I am feeling like everything is hopeless, I am helpless, I am useless, and the people in my life would be better off without me. 

 I feel  this way even though I know that it is not rational.  I have four children and a husband, a dog, and a cat.  I am a high school teacher and teach about 170 kids every day.  In my mind I know that there are so many people who would be devastated if I died, but I still sometimes want to. I have been dealing with depression pretty much since puberty, and have been on meds since about 21--consistently on them for the past eight years or so.  I recognize the symptoms of depression and I recognize the irrational thinking, but I still can't seem to snap out of it. 

At work I am the cheerleader so to speak.  Between classes I stand at my door and greet everyone I see,  by name if possible, with a smile.  I make an effort to make sure that I am staying positive. This is on the outside, and I can usually manage to keep it up for a little while after I get home, and I can usually make it through dinner or baseball practice, but every night my husband sees me completely crumble, and lately it's been more and more difficult not to crumble during the day.  I do go through periods when I feel okay for a few hours, sometimes even good.  That's usually when I am focused on something and being successful, like when I am teaching a class and at least some of the kids are really into it, or when I'm watching my son play baseball. 

This is the part that is new-- more and more often I am confused, can't find things, can't make decisions, and overreact to problems.  I have a very short fuse, and when I get mad I can feel my face get hot, and I tremble and feel shaky for a few minutes afterward. My husband says that sounds like high blood pressure, but my blood pressure is always fine when I get it checked. 

I know I need to see a doctor, but the thought of scheduling something else sends me into a mini-panic attack. My husband has been trying to get me an appointment with a psychiatrist, but I haven't got one yet.  I need to figure out something to do in the meantime.  I am already taking Wellbutrin and xanax twice a day.

I just feel so all alone.  My husband is very frustrated with listening to me because he can't fix it.  I don't really have any friends close enough to share these thoughts and feelings with....so I've turned to the internet. Help?

I think my post may be too long and nobody wants to read this much.  I'm trying not to take it personally that no one is replying. Taking everything personally is another one of those irrational thought/feeling patterns....

Post Edited (polianna) : 5/1/2011 3:41:04 PM (GMT-6)

Hi Polianna,

I hope that you didn't give up on us. There really is a great group of members here. It is just that weekends are slow. I guess people are out doing things on this beautiful day. I hope that your day was good.

Hugs, Karen

Thanks so much for the support, and for understanding how much it means that there are people out there who understand and care.

Hi Polianna,

I'm new to this forum and this is my first post here. I saw your post titled 'what's wrong with me' and I clicked it 'cuz that's how I felt for a very long time before I found out I have anxiety and depression. I have been taking meds for the past year and I just want to let you know that everyting will turn out ok in the end if you give it a little time and patience. I say that because few weeks ago, I felt different from what I normally feel. I was the happiest I have ever been in a long time. This was coupled by the fact that I didn't put too much pressure on myself to be a social butterfly (which I normally do) and I just plainly concentrated on my inner peace and happiness. I also took my meds regularly and did not drink. I strongly encourage you to see a psychiatrist. You may not want to, but the first step is always the hardest. Once you take that first step, everything becomes easier, trust me. Talk to your psychiatrist, don't hold back anything and take your meds. Your husband and your children love you. You may not feel it because of your depression, but do believe and do know that that is true. Have a great week, Polianna. Hope to hear from you soon. God Bless.

Hi polianna,

I am new here as well and your post really spoke to me please know that you are not alone and i really hope this will be a great medium for everyone to get well together.

It is very possible that you may be experiencing peri-menopausal symptoms. I too have dealt with depression much of my adult life and things did change when I got to that stage. Also, for some people, some medications become less effective after a while. See you doctor, discuss all of these concerns and see if changing it up may help you out.

Polianna,

It's good that part of you is still optimistic :) Begin an optimist definitely is going to help you in long run, I hope and I believe. I'm very new to here and I think we all go through that at some point in our lives. I've been like that ever since I left home after high school and am still like that where in outside I'm all good but inside, I'm slowly getting chewed up by many different things. I think seeing a professional definitely is going to help but also you being an optimistic and cheerful person is already going to be a big help. I say that because I had teachers that were like that back in my school and it always make me feel amazing to have ppl like that b/c they always make my day, when I see them smiling and cheering students. You got a lot in your life, your husband, your kids and your students! You are part of their lives and they are part of your life. It will get better, just have faith and be the kind, cheerful person you are. I really do hope you will get better and you can have that smile not only on outside but also inside not only for yourself but also for all those that care about you...and that include ppl on here. Even though we may not know you personally, we all want ppl to be happy because that's when we ourselves begin to gain happiness as well.

I hope this help. I don't have that much experience when it comes to this, but this is from personal point of view.

Keep on smiling :)

Sam. :)