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A True Story For You, My Fellow Depression Sufferers

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Posted 6/13/2011 1:08 AM (GMT 0)
I saw a therapist earlier today. I was absolutely terrified to go in the building. I walked up to it, went back out to my car, drove out of the parking lot, turned around and went back, left again, came back, and sat in my car for almost ten minutes staring at the door before deciding to just go in there and face it. I told myself it was time to grow up. So, with that on my mind, I put on my big-girl face, took a deep breath, and promptly high-tailed it out of the parking lot. 

Eventually, I forced myself to go into the building, where I was greeted by some friendly looking receptionists. I felt pretty good, until I noticed the lobby was FILLED with other teenagers (okay, maybe there were really only about six people there). I started to panic again as the crowd seemed to multiply itself by a million in my head, and I was on the verge of running back out to my car and driving off, maybe treating myself to a smoke and a Frappe, when some kid with a mohawk was called and he left. His suddenly missing mass spelled out FREEDOM to me, and I sat where he had once been, with about five gloriously empty chairs on either side of me. The next half hour went by slowly. I mostly stared at the floor, but if I even so much as thought that someone was going to breech my five-chair bubble, I glared at them until they turned and went in the opposite direction. 

So, yeah, I was called back to talk to this really well-dressed, put-together lady, you know, the kind who looks like she spends her free time shushing children in a library.

 

I was told I suffer from something she called "manic episodes" even though I don't really understand what that entails. A Google search bought up nothing useful. Among that, I was informed I have bipolar disorder, major depressive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder (which I was kind of aware of, since I, you know, was there for the traumatic incident and everything), panic/anxiety disorder, and social phobia (again, the fact that I hyperventilate and almost pass out whenever I walk out into public areas tipped me off to this useful little tidbit of information).

I don't know, I really enjoyed talking to the lady, she was extremely nice and listened to all of my dumb stories and stupid "feelings" but I guess I don't feel like I learned that much. I had pretty much assumed most of the stuff she told me, it was probably the most general diagnosis I could have received. I guess I can't expect much from a clinic, but still. I went in there hoping to figure out WHY I feel the way I do, WHY I act like this. I didn't want to be told what I already knew. I KNOW I'm depressed, that's why I went in there.

I guess I just feel pretty irritated, like I wasted my time. Mind you, this was at a small local clinic. I don't know if that makes a huge difference, but I definitely can't afford a $100/hour therapist, so this is what's at my disposal.  I left the building with a slight scowl on my face, and I made sure to give those space-breechers in the lobby one final glare, just because they were there and I felt like it.

She could have just told me I was a bad person, because that apparently seems to sum it up really well. Anyhow, that was my tale of visiting a therapist. I hope those of you out there who seek help have a better time of it than I did.

Good luck to all of you,

AzyMae18

Posted 6/13/2011 11:20 AM (GMT 0)
it will get better mate, you did real well. thx for sharing your upfront experiences in going to the therapist. you did well. jamie.
Posted 6/13/2011 11:24 AM (GMT 0)
AzyMae,

This was your first visit, you were just getting to know eachohter, it takes a while to get the process going. You have been dxed as bi-polar, which is also called manic depressive. Thereforer you have manic episodes. Please don't give up. Continue to go, you will get into it farther in time.
take care,

Hugs, Karen
Posted 6/13/2011 10:38 PM (GMT 0)
Oh, see, that makes more sense to me, Karen. She said it as if they were all different things, maybe that's why Google didn't bring anything up. I was kind of untrusting of their rough diagnosis because 1.) it was at a free clinic (I dont have insurance) and 2.) it was just one visit. Granted, I did talk to her for a couple hours, and she was really nice. She didnt look like she was judging me or anything, which made my experience actually kind of enjoyable. Just the whole sitting-in-the-lobby and actually going in part was the hardest thing about it.

Thank you for your reassurance, it definitely makes me feel better about going again.
AzyMae18
Posted 6/13/2011 11:12 PM (GMT 0)
Hi AzyMae18,

I am glad that your therapist was really nice. It makes all the difference in the world when they are easy to get along with. And I am sure that you are right in saying that it didn't seem like she was judging you. And spending two hours with you, that was great on her part. The sessions are usually fifty minutes to an hour. But they go by fast. I hope on your next visit you feel good afterwards too. Because each time could get better and that is really going to help you. You have started a healing journey. That is awesome.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 6/14/2011 12:52 AM (GMT 0)
yep awesome, it will begin to flow. jamie. we are proud of you!!!!!
Posted 6/14/2011 2:31 AM (GMT 0)
Yeah, time is another reason why I chose the free clinic. You dont really have to make appointments, although they'd rather if you did, and they give you as much time as you need (within reason). I tend to ramble and rant a lot because my thoughts are all over the place, it's hard for me to stay on point. I needed more time than just those couple hours, haha. But other people needed to talk, so I had to leave eventually. I was actually indirectly tipped off to the Taylor Teen Health Center by a friend of mine who used to go there a lot for counseling before she moved away. I never gave it much thought, and now I'm glad she used to talk about it, or else I wouldnt know where to go. I didn't want to tell my mom and dad I was seeking counseling, I don't want to disappoint them or anything.

Thank you so much for your praise, Jamie and Karen, you are both wonderful people :) and how are things with you two? Going alright?
Posted 6/14/2011 11:45 AM (GMT 0)
Things are going okay for me. I had a fire in our shop last month and I am finally gettting things cleaned up and put into boxes. We lost a lot to smoke damage and soot. Luckily not a lot of burn. The building was saved too. But it has been a mess to clean. Gettting there I guess. I hope all is going well for youl. You are a sweet person. You take care,

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 6/14/2011 12:13 PM (GMT 0)
hi my friend. am rapid cycling like crazy and can't sleep. busy cleaning and working on my studies, will be later anyway, as i can't sleep again. at least the house is clean!!!!! ha ha lol!! just taking it one day at a time and keeping in the here and now. keep strong azymae18. with much healing compassion, jamie. busy posting as well!!!!!!!
Posted 6/14/2011 3:59 PM (GMT 0)
Karen, I'm so sorry to hear about the fire. How did it happen? You didn't get hurt, did you? I sincerely hope not. And hey, at least the building was saved. I understand it must be tough having to rebuild, but I would take the opportunity to redecorate :) My mom used to own a salon, and one night, it got robbed. The robbers destroyed everything, and even set a little fire as if to burn the whole place. Luckily the fire station was right down the street, and they put it out before it got too out of control. My mom decided to just go ahead and paint the entire thing, redo the floors, and it looked so much better than it did before the fire, so it was almost a good thing. I hope you're getting all the help you need in cleaning it up. Everything will work out for the better :)

Jamie dear, I'm sorry that you can't sleep. At least you're using the time awake to get things done, that's very productive. I can't sleep during the night, so I have all of that time by myself, and I like to reflect and think about the choices I've made, and the direction I want to take my life in. Sometimes I even like to sing and dance in my room, or sit outside and enjoy a cigarette in the dark. There's something so comforting about the nighttime, when everyone is asleep and it's all quiet, the only sounds are the wind blowing and the paper on my cigarette burning. I find that being alone is a very rewarding feeling, I get to know myself better, I learn to accept that sometimes the things that go on in my head are really messed up. I think about the world, and the people in it. I'm glad to hear that you're doing well, it sounds like you're in good spirits. And hey, at least when you can't sleep for a little while, when you finally do get to bed, it's the best, most relaxing sleep ever :)

As for myself, I seem to be in a good mood today. I ran and did some grocery shopping for my mom, since she's working late. I myself couldn't sleep very much these past couple days, and I'd like to sleep, but I have the house to myself until 9:00 tonight, and I just can't pass up the opportunity to be alone some more before I hide in my bedroom until my mom goes to sleep haha. I've found that if I stay up during the day as well, I can actually fall asleep when it gets dark. So far, it's a good day. I have a court date tomorrow, I'm pretty nervous about it, but it should be fine.

It was very nice to hear from the both of you, and I hope you are having good days.
Much love,
AzyMae
Posted 6/14/2011 4:07 PM (GMT 0)
AzyMae,

Good luck with your court date tomorrow. Let us know how it goes if you want to. I like nighttime too. So much less stress. I can picture you sitting on the porch smoking your peaceful cigarette. I smoke too. I quit for whole month and started again. I try to be conscious of how much I smoke as they are so expensive now. And not healthy. But that is my one vice now. Hopefully I will quit again soon. But when I quit, I am a nervous wreck.

The fire was in our shop. Luckily not the house. But we are making it better than it was before. It is all white inside now and new drywall. Slowly going through things and getting stuff back in order. I lost a lot of material things, but they can be replaced. I hope.

I am glad that you are having a good day. So proud of you! Keep up the good work.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 6/14/2011 9:30 PM (GMT 0)
Karen, you will quit again, and it will be successful. We all need our little vices, though. I would even go so far as to call religion a vice for most people. They need it to make them feel better, to get them through stressful times, just as people who smoke do. I guess it all depends on how you want to go about making yourself feel better. I started smoking when I was about fourteen, so it's been five years now. I've told myself I was going to quit, but it works for me, you know? You are definitely right, though, cigarette prices are getting way out of control. Gas prices, too, although it looks like they've started going down again. Who knows how long that's going to last.

I will for sure let you know how this court thing goes. My dad is going with me, so that's a huge comfort. Besides from court dates and outrageous cigarette and gas prices, the world seems peaceful right now. Kind of chilly outside, but still nice. Should be a clear night, great for enjoying my midnight smoke. I'll even take a few peaceful hits for you :)

Much love,
AzyMae
Posted 6/14/2011 10:48 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks AzyMae,

I started smoking at 13 and I am 52 now. I did quit for four years back in the 90's. I was really healthy then and walked a lot and drank only lemon water. It seemed when I got fibromyalgia I went down hill. Gained weight (but now I am losing) and didn't have any energy. But I am getting better by the day. Still walking too.

I am glad that your dad is going with you to court. It is good to have a support system with things like that. Keep us posted.

Have a good night.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 6/15/2011 4:34 PM (GMT 0)
Karen, I had my appointment this morning. Everything went surprisingly well. It seems that I am well-liked by my lawyer, my P.O., and even the judge. I guess first impressions do mean a lot, because they all remembered me from my pre-trial, and comforted me. I was shaking so hard I could barely see straight. I was let off pretty easy with a $600 fee to be paid in $100 a month increments, and I have been told to attend N.A. two times a week, and I am also to enroll in a different counseling program for my mental health problems, and commit to 24 hours of community service and 6 months of probation. I was so nervous that I got sick, but now that it's over, I realize it wasn't as bad as I was making it out to be. My dad was a huge comfort, he paid $50 of my fee for me. I had to pay right then, or spend 21 days in a county cell.

As for my mental well-being, I'm pretty all over the place today. I'm just so stressed with all of this stuff, and wondering how in the world I am going to pay for this, but then again I am so happy that it's over and I will be receiving help for my problems. In light of this fact, I wont be going back to the Teen Health Center, I think I am getting enough counseling to heal four of me, lol.

I tried to call my P.O., but no one answered, and it's making me really nervous and scared, because I need her to tell me the numbers for NA and this other counseling center. I was told to sign up immediately, and I can't get through to her, and I'm not finding anything online so I just don't know. I will call back later and try not to think about it, but I can't help getting anxious and frightened when I think about what trouble I could be in if I don't complete these things, like, right now. I just want these things to be over, but I know they won't be over until I take action. I don't know, Karen. It's a series of ups and downs, but I will get through it. At least I hope so.

Trying to remain positive,
AzyMae
Posted 6/15/2011 6:25 PM (GMT 0)
AzyMae,

Yes, keep thinking positive. That helps so much. I would continue to call your PO until you reach her, but try not to stress over it. I am sure she/he will help you as much as possible. I am sorry that you are on probation and have a fine, but it is better than cell time. And the community service can be done in a few days. So that is good. You might even get to do something that you like.

It is going to be a series of ups and downs for a little while until you get use to all of this. But once you get the hang of it, it will probably help you. I am glad that you are going to go to na and counseling. This will help you get through it all.

Are you working anywhere? Will you be able to save up the 100.00 a month? I hope so. I know it is hard when we have extra coming out of our pockets monthly. The bills are bad enough. Then to have an added fee tacked onto there. If you can't make the payments, maybe you could talk to them and get them lowered to 50.00 a month. Maybe your dad can help you out too.

My girlfriend just went through all this and got her fines paid and everything, now she is off probation. She was really stressing with the whole thing too. But it wasn't long and it was over. So think positive and be careful. It will all work out though, have faith.

I hope that you get a call from your PO soon. So you don't worry too much. Take some deep breaths, and try to relax. You will get through this. And we are right behind you 100%. Remember that.

Hugs, Karen
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