This is all of it

To start, I'm 17 years old. I like to think that I'm more mature that most of my peers, but I'm starting to doubt that more and more each day....here goes nothing.

I feel alone. No matter what I do, where I go, or who I'm with, I feel alone. I have friends (if you could call them that), two parents, and an older sister. Still, I feel like I have no one I can really talk to, no one who can actually listen. That's what I need right now, and that's why I'm here, on this site. I'd like to start therapy, but that would require the use of health insurance, which of course means I'd need to talk with my parents about these feelings, and as I've said, that's something that just isn't going to happen.

I feel trapped. I'm stuck in this town with people I don't like, I feel forced to do things I don't enjoy, and I just want to leave. I'm told this is a normal way to feel for someone my age, but that doesn't take away from the fact that it's killing me by being cooped up here. I just want to leave and go to college, leave behind this town and everyone in it, including who I am now.

On the topic of college, I'd like to go to someplace in Washington D.C., which is about eight hours from here. People ask me why I want to go so far away and I tell them it's because I want to major in Poly Sci, but really it's just to get away. Far, FAR away.

As I'm sure you've guessed by now, what I want most is independence. I want to be on my own, with no one to tell my what to do or how to do it. That's one thing that my dad does that always makes me feel inadequate and like I can't do anything on my own: he tells me how to do EVERYTHING. Whenever I try to reassure him that I can handle things on my own, he just gets mad at me for "talking back" and "inferring meaning" from what he "actually says". Honestly, HE is the main reason I want to get away. I want to get away from him and the way that he makes me feel like such a child. It hurts my pride, and like I've already said, makes me feel inadequate in so many ways. My confidence has dropped so low, but no one knows because I've put up a bullet-proof facade of optimism and self-assurance.

This is the point where I REALLY start to confuse myself, so stick with me. I think all of this is making me depressed. "Think" being a key term there. When I think about it though, I really shouldn't be depressed, and I wonder if I just want to feel this way so that I can feel bad for myself and wallow in self-pity. The thought of this disgusts me, and the knowledge that it might be true and that I have no way of actually knowing for sure disgusts and depresses me even more. There's a cycle here that you might be starting to see, and I have no way of getting myself out of it.

Sometimes I think about suicide, but I'm not going to act on it, I know that much. I have a long past of not acting on my emotions, and they just all build up inside me, with no way to vent them. That's probably why this post is so long, because I've never actually tried to get all of this out before. Right now I'm feeling like a volcano about to blow, so I figured it would be a good idea to try and relieve some of that pressure.

Anyway, I'm starting to lose my focus, maybe I'll come back here, read some comments, and post a little more. If not though, thank you, random internet strangers, for being the only ones I can talk to. Much appreciated.

Hi THB,

First, I agree with Karen, you should really consider discussing your feelings with a counselor, and school is a good place to start. 

I can relate to you in several ways:  I too am new to this site and this is my first posting.  I was recently diagnosed with depression and am doing all I can to educate myself on effective ways of dealing with my emotions.  Because of this, I have been examining my past, and in doing so I realize that several times in my life I've dealt with being down, and wanting to escape.  One of those instances was late in high school when I really wanted to escape from my hometown and my family.  I went to college as far away as my parents permitted, which was 4 hours away.  When I got there, things were much worse.  My feelings of isolation were only magnified, and I actually felt much more alone than ever.  I was so devastated to realize that after years of longing to be independent, I felt a loss of identity being completely detached from the former life I'd led.  College life is very different from high school, and being at a school a little closer to home may have eased some of the challenges I faced, while still allowing me to explore my new independence.  Instead of enjoying new friends and experiences, I found myself longing for the comfort and stability that home had always provided.  In high school I was very involved in many extracurricular activities, and my job, and found myself at home mainly to sleep.  So I thought it would be no big deal to be farther away, as I'd spent little time with my parents anyway.  But looking back, I think that if I had been closer to home, like close enough to travel home even for dinner (maybe an hour or two away), that my college experience may have been much more fulfilling.  And maybe I wouldn't have found myself in the position I am today.  I digress... 

Anyway, I too had a very strained relationship with my father.  My homesickness at being so far away did bring out a side of him I hadn't known before, and he opened up to me a few times with handwritten letters, and some emails; things he'd never shared with any of my older siblings who'd never strayed as far as I did.  We never really came to truly understand each other, but we did come to respect each other's decisions, and positions in life.  I think that for parents, one of the hardest times in dealing with their children is when they are on the brink of adulthood, where you are now.  Your father sees you as the kid you were only a few short years ago, and since you are mature for your age, he may not be ready to face the fact that you are ready to make your own decisions, whether they are in agreement with what he might choose for you or not.  That also is probably a difficult place for him.  He has been making decisions in your best interest your whole life, and letting go of that control and allowing you to find your own way might be taxing his emotions right now. 

I don't know.  I don't know him, and I can't speak for anyone but myself, but I do know that it is a very helpful thing to get your feelings and thoughts out of your own head, so kudos to you for taking that step and posting here. 

Best of luck and best wishes to you.

butterfly11