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I need help dealing with my depressed wife

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Posted 7/15/2011 4:32 AM (GMT 0)
I am new here, and I am loosing it. I have been dealing with my depressed wife for about a year and a half now. It seems to be getting worse and worse, I have no idea of what to do anymore. We have been married for 11 years and together for 13. We never had a problem before this, didn't even argue. Now it seems as if we argue all the time. She shows me no love, affection, attention, general human caring or common courtesies anymore. She treats everyone better than she treats me. She blames me for her depression. She says she is uncomfortable around me because of how I came at her. Basically, I continually asked her questions because she never talked to me and was never upfront or honest with me. I get information from her little by little. I found out a year ago that she has a 15+ year history of depression, dating back to high school. I just found out 2 weeks ago that she has be depressed to entire time since high school. She seems not to want to take responsibility for any of her actions, like everything she does is justified. Even never telling me she had a history of depression, she just said it wasn't that bad so she didn't tell me. She went to the doctor one time, and was put on a low dose of Zoloft and says it does not help. I can't get her to go back to the doctor, or counseling. She says it won't help because I am the problem. You can't help someone that does not want to help themselves. We came close to divorce about 5 months ago, her idea. She went to the doctor right after that. I hate coming home anymore. Many of my friends have batted depression or are currently battling depression. They have helped were they can. She has not told anyone, not even her family. It seems like she just wants to forget, and since I am the only person that she cannot pretend around, I make her uncomfortable. If she gets rid of me, she can start all over and nobody will know or ask her about it. She can pretend she not depress for another 10 years. I hate arguing, but it seems as like I am always arguing with her. She just knows how to push my buttons, and a person can take so much disrespect before they lash out. Tonight I was sleep on the couch, and one of her friends texted her at 10pm and woke me up. I asked her politely before to please tell her friends not to text so late because I get up at 4 am. I asked her again tonight, and her response was she doesn't get off until 10pm, which started an argument. I've got one foot out of the door, and my heart is closely following. I just feel like it's a lost cause if she does not want to help herself. I'm trying my hardest to keep it together, but she makes it so difficult. She very physically active. She works out all the time, and plays volleyball 3 days a week. She is obsessive about it I think, so she does not have to come home. She just recently joined a women's book club because she has no real friends. She will not open up to anyone, so she has never had real close friends. That's also a big reason she will not go to a counselor or the doctor. She will not talk about personal issues with anyone. Thanks for listening. I really needed to vent my frustration.
Posted 7/15/2011 12:42 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Jordan23,

They say patience is a virtue. But a person only has so much. If she will not help herself, there isn't a lot that you can do. If she is blaming you for her depression she is wrong. She has depression, and needs to get some help. Be it counseling or medication. I went through this where my first husband was making me depressed. But I seeked out help to cope with it. That is what she needs to do as you know.

I am sorry for what you are going through. Have you thought of counseling for you to cope with her? It could really help you deal with this situation. So think about it. Once you go, maybe she will go too. It might help you deal with her situation.

I hope that things get better soon. It is hard to watch somebody that you love suffer. And I see you are suffering too from this. Maybe some time apart would help. She is probably taking you for granted. And remember we only seem to hurt the ones we love.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 7/15/2011 10:16 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you for the advice. I think I might get out of town for a couple of days to clear my head and think about my future. I am normally a very calm person, but it seems that I am expressing more and more anger everyday. She just knows how to push my buttons. I don't want to end up hating my wife.
Posted 7/16/2011 12:50 AM (GMT 0)
That sounds like a good idea. I am glad you are able to do that. It does us good to step away from a situation for awhile. Gives us a different perspective on things.

You take care.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 7/26/2011 3:13 AM (GMT 0)
The best thing you can do from my experience is go to support group meetings and I cannot include which ones because of certain laws prohibiting references to doctors, hospitals, groups and therapists and such. But you can get information on how to help you're loved ones that have the mental illness and they will tell you what you can do to help and cope with as the caregiver; because when I got out of the hospital my mother was going to support group meetings and helping with my meds and diet and excercise.
Posted 7/26/2011 5:38 AM (GMT 0)
I am new to this thred. I am at my wits end. I have been with this man for 3 years. We started dating and all courtship went out the window. He was studying in medicine. I used to be so outgoing, confident, and a great hearted person! I hate this! I wish he would just snap out of this. When things are good, things are great! When they are bad they are horrible. He yells about everything and his response is "you make me like this". He is taking his step 2 tests which is the life or death of his career...basically if he is a doctor anymore. He is drawn away from me emotionally, physically, and loving. I feel like we are roomatates, I love him with all my heart and really would like to help him, but I feel myself sinking into a depression a lot like what he is going through. He is angry all the time, he has this look of hate. He denys that anything is wrong with him. We haven't been intimate in almost a year, I asked him if things will be different when he takes his test. His response I hope so. I feel like he is a good person, just lost!!! His upbringing was he got everything that he wanted still does his family pays for everything for him. He is is 32 years old!!! His car, house, bills he says becasue he is fortunate, and he can focus on his career.  I feell like he would make an awesome doctor, just is hurting me in the mean time. I feel like I need a break from him but I don't want to lose him. I feel lost, alone, and worst of all I feel like he is becoming more and more jadded. I just want to be happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why can't we have a great relationship? Did I mention that he comes from a family that the mother listens to what the father says, and his mom even told him that she is not in love with her husband, she loves him she isn't in love with him. My family is very touch feely and we always tell one another I love you, or encourage  the other. We come from 2 completley different family backgrounds. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I am starting to resent him for not giving me what I need. He wont get help we went to therepy and he went a couple times, and then oned day said shes a quack! Im not goign anymore! He does try to do things for me like laundry, folding, cooking dinner- I think he is doing this stuff becasue he can't do anything else for me at this point in his life. I guess it's true what they say...you can't beat a dead horse. I know that this is somethign that I should walk away from. I just feel like I see the light once in a while!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! smhair
Posted 7/26/2011 5:40 AM (GMT 0)
I feel like a lot of you guys. I don't want to end up hating my boyfriend, who I want to be the one. I am 27 he is 32
Posted 7/26/2011 7:27 AM (GMT 0)
I too am really struggling with this and I really feel alone at the moment. my partner was my best friend untill depression made me the enemy. She appears to have no comprehension of the pain she is causing me and even if she does I don't think she cares. All I have done for the last 18 yrs is look after her through illness and depression and try put her 1st in all things.
She has said that she thinks that we just dont want the same things anymore, but can't tell me what it is she wants....... all i want is to be happy and to feel loved, Is that too much to ask for?
When I asked her If we could just try to be friends, she replied that she didn't want to be my friend as she didn't even like me..that hurt.
We are never intimate anymore.. I really miss that...not just sex, but feeling close to her, I have been thinking lately that I could meet somone else and leave all this crap behind , the thought of just leaving,giving up, walking and not looking back is becoming more and more frequent. I know our kids would come with me as she has been making them feel unloved too, but what if she killed herself( as she was feeling a couple of months ago)...........how could I put my kids through that guilt........I'm trapped and its not a good place to be.
Posted 7/26/2011 1:03 PM (GMT 0)
Can't beat a dead horse? huh?
Posted 7/26/2011 5:52 PM (GMT 0)
whats the difference between an egg and a dead horse........?
Posted 7/27/2011 2:00 AM (GMT 0)
Silent Singer,

You can't let her ruin, or rule your life. If she doesn't want the help then there really is nothing you can do. If she wants to change she will. My mom went through this...she bounced back after 4 years of hell. My dad stayed strong like yourself, but I know if it would have continued for much after that...his mind would go too
Posted 1/19/2012 7:23 PM (GMT 0)
  My wife and I have been married for 20 years, she is a great wife and excellent mother, we always got along perfect. One day  she said something has changed and did not what is was. I thought for sure it was over, after talking some more she said she was stressed and depressed, we went to the doctor and started some counseling. I also found out she was talking to a male friend from high school on facebook that really set me off, she said she need some she could talk to, the more I question her  more and more and drove her away for me so she turned to him to talk to, lucky for me he works in Asia, two weeks ago she admitted she seen him when he came in the states to visit his daughter, now I am rely freaking out.    She said she just need to talk to someone and they were jus friends its not what you think, I believe her and said  go ahead and talk to he if you need to, I was such an ass when the was going on I do not blame her for talking to him ,but put the shoe on the other foot and see how you would like it. She said she loves me, but did not admit she was in love with me.   Her depression is driving me nuts I miss my wife and the affection I use to get, not to mention no sex. Its been about 60 day of this crap, I under stand the situation a lot better now, been helping around the house cooking and cleaning and working my ass of at work. I know see needs her space right now ,but how long does this last. I am going nuts missing the wife I married.  
Posted 1/19/2012 8:59 PM (GMT 0)
Wow BAC1,

First of all,,, welcome to the forum. I am glad that you came here.

Secondly, it sounds pretty sneaky of your wife to be talking to a man and meeting him without you knowing it. If she just needs somebody to talk to, she should go to a therapist. Not another man. I don't know how you managed not to let this get to you. I know she came clean about it, but I can't believe it is continueing. Have you ever met this man? I am sorry, but you are very easy going. Maybe there is nothing to this, but I would be suspicious. I don't know your relationship though, maybe it is nothing. I am interested to see what the other members have to say. Maybe I am over reacting... Sorry I am not much help...

Hugs, Karen
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