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Went to my doc today...didn't help a whole lot. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

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Posted 7/25/2011 10:44 PM (GMT 0)
Today I went to my therapist. I told him everything! I told him all of the thoughts I have been having and how these thoughts have been haunting me. I have told him how everything seems to be splitting at the seams... nothing. The only thing he can do is continue to dig for what is wrong. I have done all of the digging and so has he. I feel like I have hit a plateau, and I am getting so frustrated and fed up. I want so badly for this to all end. I really want to be normal, if such a thing exists. Happy. I want to enjoy what I have. I want to like myself. I am trying. I am trying so hard, I have been for so long. I don't want to weigh myself ten times a day anymore. I don't want to compare myself to everyone else. Most of all, more than anything else, I don't want to think about what comes after this anymore. My first bad thought was when I was in fifth grade and I can remember it so vividly, I wanted it all to end. I haven't had the best growing up, but I won't go into that because I don't like using it as a reason for why things are the way they are now...my therapist does that. There has to be a reason for this! I need some kind of answer. Am I bipolar, just depressed, do I have some kind of morbid obsession with death? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I'm running out of time.
Posted 7/25/2011 11:59 PM (GMT 0)
Miss Cranberry,

I have no words to express how much what you just wrote means to me. All I can really say is that it brought tears to my eyes. Even as I am writing this... I wish that I could hug you. If I were to ever talk to you in person I could explain to you everything that I have been through, though it may not be much in comparison to many. Such compassion is not shown to me often. Knowing you are out there somewhere has given me hope.

I graduated from art school around a year ago, and my inspiration comes from Dada art, hence the name. I used to paint so often, but I stopped one day. I didn't have the motivation to keep going. I just hit a wall and could not pry myself away from it. I began to think of everything that haunted me. One night I had seizures, which is not a surprise, because I am epileptic, but this time I had many in a row. When this happens I have to go to the hospital to make them stop. A friend called an ambulance in panic. I can't really remember it, but I do remember being conscious a bit in between the seizures and feeling really calm. After that I wondered if that was what it was like to die, feeling very calm and letting go of everything. I started to obsess over it. Then I began to obsess over my weight out of nowhere. It was really strange, I started to obsess over one thing, then another, and before I knew it my mind spiraled into thoughts racing a thousand miles a minute. I tried to explain that to my doctor, because that is what started this recent bout of depression, but he just doesn't seem to understand.

On my walk home from my doctor's office I was so frustrated with him that I could only think of one thing, and that thing has haunted me for so long. I felt so sick about it. All I do was obsess over the fact that I was stuck, stuck between two choices; to continue as I am, or make a very drastic and permanent decision. Currently I am trying to think of something to work on. If those women in your group can overcome what they did, then I know that I can. It is going to be a long road ahead, but I can make it. I just hope the road doesn't cave in. I can promise you I am going to try. As long as I know you're out there, I know that someone is out there cheering me on, I still have motivation. Again, I don't know exactly what to say. I'm not even sure that my rambling even made sense. Thank you so much for being here. I'm just so glad you are out there somewhere.

Tristantzara
Posted 7/27/2011 5:45 PM (GMT 0)
Hello, Tristantzara

I must say Miss Cranberry's reply is the most beautiful, well-thought out and classiest reply that I have ever read. Additionally, it is also one of the wisest.

She is a tough act to follow. However, I have one humble thought left to suggest. You mentioned that you have gone through all the difficult work of revisiting and discussing your childhood and do not feel as if your therapist understands. Could it be possible that you and your therapist are not the right match? Would you consider trying to see someone else to see if their style and practice is more complementary to what you need? ...I do understand very well how difficult it would be to change and start over, but perhaps this might be better for you in the long run.

...Keep all of Miss Cranberry's comments in mind. Kudos to her for writing such a long well-thought out and wise reply.

Cass
Posted 7/27/2011 9:26 PM (GMT 0)
Cass,

Thank you for your response. I actually stopped seeing my therapist two days ago. I have decided that I am tired of going around in circles... I made an appointment with a new psychiatrist for Friday. I hope this will help. I am running out of options and becoming desperate. I hate these thoughts and feelings. :(
Thank you again for your suggestions and help.
Posted 7/27/2011 9:33 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Tristan. I'm glad that you are making an appointment with someone else. I have been where you are myself and sometimes no matter how difficult a change is in order. I know it is easy to say because at the moment I am not in your shoes, but don't give up. If you don't get the "comfy cozy" feeling with this new person keep trying. This is too important to give up on.

Also, I understand those thoughts and feelings. about a week-and-a half ago they were back and quite strong with me again. Somehow, try to keep yourself busy. I know, much easier said than done. But if you can get your mind focused on something else even for a little bit it does help.

Hang in there. Just remember you are not alone.

Cass
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