reaching out

Hi - I am new here.  and I need help and someone to talk to.  I feel like my medications are not working and I know I am losing hope.  All I do is cry and pace and when i can, sleep.  This is of course while trying to hide this from my 5 year old son, and keep my job, and try not to be an ungodly burden on my husband who is now so stressed out by all of this.  I feel so alone and  I would love to find someone to talk to.  I can barely stand it.  I feel like it gets worse the older I get and the episodes become more frequent and last longer.  The doctor has me upping what I am on but so far nothing is working.  I feel like i'm coming apart.  I'm supposed to start an intensive day program this week but even that is scaring the crap out of me.  I had to go to the hospital for the first time ever in December and so afraid it is going to happen again and even afraid I can't make it through tonight to get to the therapy. 

This all runs in my family but that is no consolation, more like a horrible inevitability.  I just want to get better and live a somewhat normal although quiet life.  I know there are so many things that are not in my future but i just want to be able to make it through the days without pain and fear and anxiety and depression.

write if you can.

Justreallysad,

I can relate, I become really sad and sometimes I don't think I will make it through. My head starts spinning and thoughts start going a million miles a minute. I made a comment about going to the hospital in a post and someone responded by saying something along the lines of, if it is going to save your life, it is worth it. I'm not sure if that helps at all. I don't have a kid, but I have a boyfriend and I worry about the same thing (being a burden). He other day we got into an argument about that. The strange thing was that he only gets upset when I don't tell him things. He said that if I were a burden, he'd be gone.

I'm sorry for rambling on about my own story, I was trying to help by relating. Anyway, there is one thing that I posted on someone another forum and it sometimes works. When you feel like you can't do something or you need to overcome something, say an intensive day program, just remember that it is the same idea as this forum; the only difference is that it is not online. Everytime you make it through another day, or even accomplish a seemingly simple task, like getting out of bed in the morning, you have beat your depression. It's like a race. Reward yourself somehow, because you deserve it; you're important.

I hope this helps. Sorry for rambling. I never really know what to write on a reply, or how to say what I'm thinking, but I really hope it helps. We are all thinking about you!

I take abilify and it works really well for me. I take 10mg a day. I hope it works as well for you. It really stabilizes the moods. Plus it makes the AD work better. So have faith, don't give up. It just takes a little time to start working. Not long. And it will take a little while for your AD med to pick up. So be patient. You will get there.

Best wishes for a wonderful day.

Hugs, Karen