Dating Depressed Man

Hi All,

I needed some feedback regarding a depressed man I was dating recently. Basically, we knew each other for years and had been seeing each other for about 3 months. He is 34, I am 30. He was regularly reaching out and making plans with me. Everything was going great and he invited me to his birthday party. We spent the night out with his friends and family. He had been drinking for most of the night. We got back to his place with his brother and he started to act in a way that I never saw before - talking fast and all over the place, repeating himself, changing movies like 3 times in one hour, couldn't really keep still. I thought maybe he was just drunk and hyper, but then his behavior took a drastic turn.

We decided to go to bed and he suddenly became really sad talking about his family, etc. Then he said he had something he wanted to tell me - that he struggled with depression since he was young, took medication, and sees a psychiatrist. I was totally shocked - this is a guy who has always been very outgoing, social, has a job that he regularly must go out with clients, etc. He was practically in tears telling me how he has never told anyone about this - he pretends in front of all his friends and none of the women he ever dated knew. The only people who know are his family. He said he does not want to be seen as "weak" to me or anyone else. I did my best to listen and be supportive. We talked about it for awhile and then fell asleep. When I left the next morning, all was normal. We didn't discuss it any further. Within a week of this, he stopped reaching out to me - no texts, no making plans - completely stopped contact. If I text him, he will reply almost immediately, but does not reach out first or ask me to hang out anymore. i have not seen him since the birthday, nearly four months ago. I did not want to put pressure on him and ask him to meet up, I tried once to make plans and he ended up backing out at the last minute. I have now decided to leave the ball in his court and stop reaching out.

Needless to say, I'm totally confused - the night of his birthday, he told my best friend that he was head over heels for me, would do anything for me...was calling me his "girl" all night to all his friends and now he has seemingly fallen off the face of the earth.

My question, is why do you think he would do this - embarrassment? Fear of getting close? i just don't get it and am so disappointed. The night he told me about depression, he said how much he likes me, thinks about me all the time, etc - so I can't really imagine he's just suddenly lost all interest in me.

I tried to confront him about why he disappeared - and asked if all was ok since the birthday, that he seemed distant and his response was, "Nothing is wrong". I said, should I stop reaching out? I don't want to bother you, and he replied, "Why would you ever say that to me?" Like, he couldn't believe I was confused!
That was nearly a month ago and still nothing from him. I know how hard it was for him to tell me about his depression. I don't know why he would tell me, then disappear. I wanted to be there for him, as we were really just starting to get close (or so it seemed).

Any feedback you can give me regarding why he would do this and what I should do next would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

I have seen, too many times, what mixing booze and meds can do. In some it makes them dead to the world and in others they bounce off the walls. It may or may not have anything to do with being bi-polar, or a manic depressive. It can simply be that it caused a "bad" trip so to speak.

I know you said you don't want to push things, but I think that may be exactly what this guy is waiting for. On one hand I think he did want to tell you all about his condition but on the other hand he is embarrassed and also afraid that by telling you that you no longer want to be part of his life.

If him dx'd with depression and being on meds do not bother you, and if you really like him and want to continue to be in a romantic relationship with him, and are relatively sure you can handle things, then I think you need to tell him that. You also need to be prepared to "prove" what you say by initiating things for a while until his confidence in your relationship returns.

If you do decide to continue with this guy it wouldn't hurt to tell him that you would prefer he did not drink because you are afraid that drinking and taking meds is going to hurt him and that is the last thing you want to see.

Distance seems to be my best option. I do feel for him, I know it must not a be an easy cross to bear. As I said, we have been friends for many years - my reaching out was more out of friendship then dating, rejection or not, I wanted to extend a hand.

I do have a question just out of pure curiosity -
And please take my wording with a grain of salt, pardoning anything that may sound ignorant - afterall, on this topic, I kinda am :)

He only mentioned struggling with depression, nothing about bipolar. The night in question - he did seem more "hyper" and easily distracted then I've ever seen him..however, toward the end of the night he went from being "all over the place" to suddenly soft spoken, calm and quite emotional/sad, within a matter of a few minutes, when we were alone. It was in this calmer state that he told me of his depression and discussed how he always hid it from others, his treatment, how running helps, etc. Can episodes/moods change so quickly?

Depression can often isolate someone, some people like myself wont show "weakness" just like you mentioned. Mainly because of our upbringings, it sounds like he doesn't get alot of support from family if he breaks down like that. He is probably very uncertain on what to do, maybe he wants you to reach out to him and ask him out. I don't see why that would be weird, the world is changing and I see nothing wrong with a woman asking a man out.

I don't know whether he has bipolar, this is merely an hypothesis at the moment as there is no confirmed diagnosis (so I won't go into that).

I think at this stage, don't tell him he has a problem or may need additional help, let him seek it out for himself as he may take offense to it. The alcohol will play a big role in him expressing emotion, he may be embarassed and possibly turned off after telling you about his depression. I don't think he should be embarassed, because statistically a massive % of the world has depression or some underlying condition.

My personal suggestion is, invite him out and don't talk about his depression, because you don't want him in his shell, you want to bring him out of his shell. If you can show him that everything is ok, then he may bring it back up or maybe not, even so atleast you're not left in the dark.

Good luck and hope you make a decision that will suit you both.

edit PS: Also if he likes to drink, maybe make sure where ever you go there is alcohol available (I mean, don't take him out of his comfort zone). He may be using alcohol as a self medication, but I don't know. If he then blows you off for asking him out, then I think you know that he has probably lost the plot. Even a nice quiet environment to a restaurant or a pub meal? But make sure you don't speak of what he told you, if it come up on conversation then probably best not to feel too sorry for him, as you don't want him to feel "weak".

If you can also, actually call him and ask him, don't text because I often miss texts while at work or ill forget to reply to an old text. Doesn't always mean that someone is ignoring, just means that some people have poor memories lol.

 

 

Post Edited (Crackles23) : 8/11/2011 3:15:15 PM (GMT-6)

Thanks all!