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Does it ever go away?

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Posted 8/17/2011 10:22 AM (GMT 0)
I'm taking citalopram, propranolol and diazepam for depression and anxiety and have had several weeks of counselling which in many
ways has opened up even more questions and doubts. Been told by my therapist that it will take a very long time for me to get some kind of resolution, that I have locked away my feelings for so long that I have forgotten how to be me, and that she has rarely seen someone so detached and numb. I was kind of shocked at her directness - it's all true, but not easy to take. What do you do when no one knows how anxious you are feeling not even your family, every day there is a real sense of panic it feels like I have a war going off inside me.
Every day I put on the mask and get on with my everyday life, I try to stay busy to shut out the depression but I'm really fearful that it won't ever go away. I want to ask does this eventually ever get easier / go away? because this is not a life it's a treadmill existence, it feels like I am going through the motions living a life for someone else.
It's really not good feeling as if you are on "the edge" constantly and I can't even begin to say why, if I take time to stop and think too much I find it all so completely overwhelming it's very frightening, and yet totally irrational. I have a family I love, a business to run and people I'm responsible for, so why do I pray most nights not to wake the next day. I just need to know there's a way back. It does help writing this down and knowing there are people "out there" who know how this feels.

Joe
Posted 8/17/2011 1:33 PM (GMT 0)
Joe,

One more thing that might help (I am working on this myself now), try to remember back to when you didn't feel this way. When you were strong and confident and looking forward to what each new day may hold. Use that as a point of reference and try to remember what you were doing at that time, what was different then and try to recreate how you felt back then. This will let you know that it is possible to feel better again I am told. You weren't always like this! So, you don't have to dwell in this place forever, it is just temporary and you may even learn something from it. That is what I am trying to do. I've also started to count my blessings when the bad thoughts enter and I try to convince myself that this is not going to last forever. I am willing to do whatever it takes to get better for the sake of my children(at certain times during the depths of my depressions, I have felt they would be better off without me) that was irrational.

If you want to talk more e-mail me. I have plenty to share with you but it is not allowed in this forum.

Love yourself, there is only one you and many people love and depend on you to get better. You seem like a very sincere, loving guy. I wish you nothing but the best.
Posted 8/17/2011 4:28 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Rose and SueTho

Thank you both so much for taking the time to reply to my post, its very kind of you, and it helps enormously to know that there are other people out there that have gone through, or are going through similar experiences and understand what it's like. Although I had been quite low for a year or more I have only really suffered depression and anxiety at this level since January this year it seemed to come from nowhere and hit me like a truck, I found myself at my doctors in tears (very embarrassing) completely unable to cope, I had gone from being Mr in charge to complete wreck in a matter of days.

My therapist has said it was many years in the making with multiple causes which looking back I'm sure she's right about. Thank you for sharing your experiences, I suppose I'm a bit impatient, you're right SueTho I know counselling can't be a quick fix, I suppose my impatience is partly to do with the internal panic that this just won't go away. You have given me some good positive advice based on your own experiences.

I'm am pleased that you had a good day Rose with your twins and I'm sure that there are lots more of those in store for you! It has helped simply writing on the forum, as my family including my wife don't know I am on medication or having counselling. My wife is under immense pressure herself at the moment, and is prone to depression and I don't want to add to her problems, she was prescribed AD's a couple of years ago but refused to take them and "toughed it out". Also on a selfish level if I'm honest I am just not capable of taking on any more at the moment and I know if she knew about me she would worry herself sick. Also being in charge of my own business I feel a responsibility not to show that I'm anything other than in control.

I will take your advice and try to look back to what it felt like before all this, I know it might sound odd but I can't really remember feeling anything but stressed and wound up although not a s bad as this, for the longest time. I am encouraged by your comments that although it doesn't feel like it there is a way back from this. I can say that until I experienced this, like most people I had no idea just how debilitating depression can be. it looks as if I'm at the start of what's going to be a very long road but so long as there really is a good chance of getting back some peace it will be worth the trip. I'll take your advice and make it one day at a time!

I do wish you both well, and thank you once again for your kindness - I will keep in touch and keep you posted, I'm new to this and don't know a great deal about it but I do understand how much it helps to "talk" so if I can help by listening then, I will.

Regards

Joe
Posted 8/17/2011 9:04 PM (GMT 0)
Sue,

I agree with you about "normal". I don't think that there is such a thing. I think with our own individualities, we kind of create our own "normal". And I think that the closer that we get the better. I think it is all about trying to just feel good. Good enough to do the tasks that we would like to, or have to. I don't think I ever accomplish all that I set out to do on any given day. But if I can get half of it done, I am happy. Needless to say, my house is always a disaster.

I envy the people that can accomplish so much. But I look at my age compared to these other people and I take that into consideration. Though there are some real go getters in the world. I wonder where the drive comes from. I never knew what I wanted out of life because I was always dealing with depression. I feel it is unfair, but it is what it is. I do like to do creative things, some consider me an artist. But I only seem to do my art when I am depressed. My psychiatrist says my depression is in a type of remission from the medications. So maybe that is why I haven't painted or anything. I guess that is good. But I always did better when I had to, such as in college when I took art classes.

I hope that you all are having a good day.

Hugs, Karen
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