mixed feelings

I have not posted in a while. Just been wrapped up in e-mails and facebook. But I've been missing this forum so here i am.

My mom has recently gone to her m.d. and told him she thought she was crazy. At least that's what she told me. And then told me he replied with "Maybe you are". Well i'll never really know what went down that day at her visit. But i do believe there is a guardian angel looking down on me, because my prayers have been answered.

He had my mom try a new med. which when i looked it up the first words were... bi-polar. I was validated mentally because i always thought she masked her drinking and drugging due to a personality disorder.

It's been 4 weeks now. I see a change in her. She's becoming calmer, more tolerant to accepting her age although she would'nt put my bday card out for display because i said happy 83rd on the card. So she still does'nt want that out in the public eye. Just don't get it. Maybe if I live that long i'll get it. I think she should be proud of her age, embrace it and let it go. But I guess that's a choice we all have to make.

My problem is... letting go of my resentments. The hurt and damage she has caused my family. I'm so very grateful that finally after many many years of abuse, she is starting to become a new person. I just don't know how to let it go??? I don't want to harbor ill feelings, but I can't let myself go all the way and love her up like i should. I still feel the pain from her nasty personality....

I see her as a weak, vulnerable woman now. Before she had this persona as if she came from the royal family. And she was the queen of the royal family. Untouchable.Cold. Mean. Selfish.Jealous.Verbally and physically abusive. How do i let that go?????

I know yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not here yet. Stay in the present. Forgive and forget. Maybe it will just take time????????

I love her regardless, but i think i'm afraid of being hurt again if i let her in. I'm torn with feelings of love and loyalty.

Well... just wanted to get it out there... confused, hurt, depressed, mad, and needing to know how to let go. That is one of my biggest problems.

Tryn2getby

Polymositis

Depression

Anxiety

THANK YOU ALL FOR THE HELPFULL THOUGHTS. HAD A PRETTY GOOD DAY WITH MY MOM. I'VE BEEN TRYING TO KEEP BUSY, GARDENING, CLEANING, TAKING CARE OF HER DOG, BATHING HIM AND WALKING HIM. MOM IS STARTING TO SLOW DOWN. SHE'S GOOD IN THE A.M.,BUT THEN DURING THE DAY IT'S ALL about THE T.V. WHICH WHEN IN THE LIVING ROOM IS CRANKED UP TO 60 WHICH IS LOUD.... THEN TRYING TO TALK TO ME OVER THE T.V. AND PLUS I'M IN ANOTHER ROOM. WELL, MY PATIENCE WEARS THIN.... I'M TRYING MY BEST TO TIGHTEN UP THE HOME. I'M ALONE WITH THIS LABOR OF LOVE. I CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH, I FATIGUE OUT. HAVE TO REST, PLUS HURTING ALL THE TIME. MY LOWER LUMBAR IS OFF  THE HOOK. GOING FOR ANOTHER BONE DENISTY TEST NEXT WEEK. HOPE I HAVE'NT GOTTEN WORSE. I HAVE NOT BEEN TAKING THE BONIVA, JUST CALCIUM WITH D. THREE TIMES A DAY. SOMETIMES IT FEELS LIKE A STEEL ROD GOING THROUGH MY BACK. MY MIND WANTS TO GO, BUT MY BODY SAYS NO....

I HAVE A DISEASE THAT I WILL ALWAYS HAVE. STRESS IS A MAJOR PART IN MY TOTAL WELL BEING. WHEN I'M OUT OF THE HOUSE I FEEL BETTER, BUT AS SOON AS I GET HOME, STRESS IS THROUGH THE ROOF.

HAVE TO LEARN TO LIVE WITH IT. FEEL SO HELPLESS BECAUSE I WOULD PREFER TO BE WITH MY DAUGHTER AND GRANDSON. THEY ARE 3,000 MILES AWAY. MY GRANDSON WILL BE 8 THIS NOVEMBER. WILL BE PLAYING FOOTBALL. I'M MISSING OUT ON ALL OF THE FUN STUFF.

MOM JUST WANTS TO WATCH T.V. AND THEN COMPLAIN about BORDEM. I'LL SUGGEST MOVING, AND SHE WILL TAKE THE WEATHER OVER FAMILY, WHICH I DON'T GET BECAUSE ALL SHE DOES IS STAY INDOORS AND WATCH THE T.V.??????????????????????????????????

WELL SO MUCH FOR THAT. I FEEL AS IF GOD PUT ME HERE FOR A REASON.TRYNG TO TELL MYSELF THIS IS A TRANSITION PERIOD.

BUT GETTING THROUGH THE NIGHT IS HARD.

HAVE A GREAT DAY TO ALL...

TRYN2GTBTR....

POLYMYOSITIS

DEPRESSION'

ANXIETY.