Posted 8/30/2011 8:48 PM (GMT 0)
Just a quick introduction. I have never had any problem with
depression. Or, no more than people normally have. I am not now, nor
ever been suicidal. I am deeply in love my wife, but things from her
past rear their ugly heads occasionally. She suffers depression and PTSD
from her physically and verbally abusive alcoholic ex-husband and her
verbally abusive youngest son. Her ex also had, an estimated 300 to 500
sexual affairs, without her knowing. My wife got pregnant with her first
son on their wedding night. She was 6 months pregnant when her ex had
an affair with the next door neighbor. The youngest son thinks his mom
is a troublemaker, which she is not, and that his dad is the best thing
since sliced bread. I think this is because his dad likes to drink, get
drunk and have parties, just like him. His dad was a flight attendant
and was gone from home 4 to 5 days a week. His mother raised them, fed
them, took care of the home, taught school, went to soccer games, scout
meetings, and everything else while the dad was out screwing around with
other women and bringing home VD twice to his wife. And when he would
come home from work and there were dirty cloths in the hamper or dirty
dishes in the sink, he would go off on her and they would fight for
hours. He would hit her, push her around and talk down to her. He once
even had her on the floor slapping her and the oldest son hit his dad
and called the police. My wife tried to keep the marriage together for
the sake of the kids. She said otherwise, she would have left him.
Recently, my wife was talking to a friend about all this during a
gathering for her youngest sons upcoming wedding. This woman was the
only person my wife talked to and she told my wife it would remain
confidential. This friend stabbed her in the back by telling her
youngest son what my wife said. This is where my story begins.
My wife's son called her on the phone the next day giving her hell about
talking about this. He yelled at her, told her that she wrecked his
life and that she was *****d up in the head. He had my wife so upset,
she started calling friends telling them goodbye, saying she was going
to kill herself. Her son knows just exactly how to push her buttons to
get her upset and normally I am there to talk to her and get her settled
down. This time, I was at work. I got a call from her oldest son
telling me what was going on. By the time I got home, the sheriff was
there talking to her. She was no longer suicidal. She said she wanted
to go to the hospital and talk to someone. To admit herself to
behavioral health. When I took her to the hospital, they involuntairily
committed her. They stripped her of her cloths, searched her, took her
belongings, went through her purse, took her cloths, her medications,
her rights and her dignity. She was given paper cloths to wear and she
was locked up. I could only talk to her 3 times a day for 10 minutes by
phone. She talked to a psychiatrist the next day and figured out what
triggered all this. HER YOUNGEST SON! The doctor made arrangements for
her to leave first thing the next morning. We had a family conference
and the doc told me he felt comfortable letting her go. My wife told me
she had been given a book to read called co-dependants anonymous. She
said that the first few pages made her understand what was going on for
the first time in her life. She has bought the book and is doing better
now than I have ever seen her at dealing with past memories of her son
and ex husbands abuse. When she got out of the hospital, she posted
something on her facebook account, written in 3rd person about kids
treating their parents badly. Her son called in a matter of minutes
demanding that she take that off. She did. I would have reposted it
over and over again.
My problem is that my wife has forgiven her son for what he has done.
Even though, the day she came home, he called and started his crap
again. I can't be that forgiving. When she was in the hospital, I cried
for hours on end because of what was happening to her, and there was
nothing I could do to save her. The first time I was able to talk to
her, after taking her to the hospital, was 5 hours later. She had the
sound of helplessness and terror in her voice that I can't get out of my
head. My heart was bing ripped out. Here it is a week later and I am
still hurting but my wife has brushed it under the rug. She tells me
it's no big deal. She was treated like crap during her first marriage
of 17 years, she is used to it. I have spoke to her son and he has no
sense of remorse for what he has caused.
The son that caused all this is getting married in November. He asked
us a while back if we would help pay for the wedding rehursal dinner.
We said we would, and it is $1000.00. I am determined not to send it now
because of these events. My wife says she has unconditional love for
her son and she is going to send it anyway. She is disabled and
requires lots of medication, and our finances are very tight. She had
fibromyalgia, rheumatiod arthritis, ostio arthritis, one replacment
knee, depression, PTSD, degenerative disk disease in two places in her
back, and chronic fatigue syndrome. Just had to pay to get her car out
of the bodyshop, had to get a new water heater and had to have the
heatpump replaced. Money is even tighter right now. We almost have no
money to speak of. She is talking about taking out a loan to send him
this money. This infuriates me to no end that, after all the pain her
son has caused us, she still wants to send him the money and go to his
wedding. She gives me the guilt trip about a mothers unconditional love
thing. My problem is that, in the past, he would go off on his mom for
the littlest thing, then later call her and talk to her but never say he
is sorry. He never has, and never will. She will give him the money
(we don't have), everything will be good for a few months, then he will
go off on her about something else and start trouble all over again. Am
I wrong for feeling the way I do.
I have been depressed ever since the day this happened. I have cried
many hours over this. Yes, my wife is home and I can hold her in my arms
again, but she was hurt by all this and I am having a hard time dealing
with this. She was treated like crap for all those years and I know I
can't take away all the bad memories from the past, but I want to make
the present and future as good as I can. I guess I am hurt so much
because I so deeply love this women. She is the only woman in my life
now. My mom passed away last year. Yes I was devistated when my mom
died, but she was a good woman who had a good husband and son that
treated her like a wife and mother should be treated. When my mom got
sick, we all knew she was going to die, even her. I still miss her very
much and wish she could be here to help me through this. I have to take
care of my wife now that she his the only woman in my life. That is my
job as a husband. I DID sign up for it when we got married.
My wife made me promise during my drunken stupor last nigth, that I
would go to the wedding with her. And she told me that she would leave
me if I became an alcoholic like her ex. I am not a drinker. I like a
beer when I am grilling out or cooking spaghetti. I may drink a 6-pack
over a month to month and a halfs time. It has been many years since I
have had a drink of liquor. But yesterday it as a whole bottle of
tequila in 3 hours. I was a drunken mess. I made the deal to go to the
wedding, but now I don't want to. I can't show that boy that I respect
him enough to go to his wedding. Little creap!
Does anyone have any advise for me. I need to know what I can do to deal
with this. I passionately love my wife, and try to do everything I can
for her. She can't seem to understand why I am still so upset over
this. She says she is over it. All I want is for her to never have to
go through this again and for her youngest son to grow a set, and be the
man that he THINKS he is. Any Advise?