I need some advice from the anonymous internet

Hi there, I'm new to this forum but I'm wanting some reassurance and sympathy from the anonymous mass that is the internet.

My mum used to be the source of help for me, but she's not at all helpful, and then if I tell her that she makes me feel guilty saying 'well what do you want me to say do you just want to be molly coddled?'. I want to open up and be with my boyfriend right now but I have problems showing my emotions to people at the best of times, and though I now feel comfortable showing them to him he's got his roommates whom I am also friends with and so I feel I'd have to hide it from them. I'm also paranoid beyond belief that by me being depressed he'll think I'm one of the 'crazy type girls' who he won't want to have to deal with and will want to leave me, and I so badly don't want that because he's such an amazing and supportive boyfriend (my paranoia doesn't make sense does it?) I just want to be the best I can for him and atm I feel like I can't look him in the eye because I can't get my life on track.

I feel so pointless because I can't get a job and don't aspire to have a job, even though I know I need one. It's a catch 22 situation. I just feel like there is nothing I aspire to do and no career path interests me. I feel as if the only thing I was ever good at, study, I can't do anymore, one because I'll just end up in more debt and two because I have no interest in anything at all so there's no point in taking up some random study only to find out I don't like the job that comes out of it. I also don't want to be studying for another 5 or so years only to end up in the exact same situation then. And I'm worried that if I get a job I'll only end up miserable in that again and want to quit again, so I feel completely stuck.

Essentially, I don't want a career, I want to have children and have raising them as my full-time job. Because I feel our society relies too heavily on childcare and the children are suffering because of it, so it's something I take seriously and not just because I don't want to work. I'm also a traditionalist, so I would go about the stay-at-home-mum thing seriously, eg proper cleaning, proper cooking, don't hire a nanny etc. Though this is what I want, I am too ashamed to confess it to anyone because of society. Women are expected now to do it all, have the career, have the children, have the family, but I believe it's wrong. I know I should tell my boyfriend this, but I'm scared he'll think I'm a sponge, or also expecting too much (as we've only been dating 5mnths)

Eating has become a chore and I'm stressed that I'm losing weight. I'm not interested in food at all and even if my stomach is rumbling I don't want to eat. I'm not anorexic or anything because I know that I'm underweight and I hate it. But it's a cycle because I'm stressed/depressed about the weight loss and that makes me not want to bother with eating and etc.

All I'm doing is lying in bed all day and sleeping until 1pm, I get up, force something small into my stomach cus I know I have to eat something, fight to keep it down, then I just want to go back to bed because I don't want to have to deal with the thoughts in my head all day.

I'm going to the doctors on Tuesday but until then I have to deal with myself. I don't have any faith in CBT because I've tried it before and it's all just 'tell me why you feel this' and I can do that in my own head so it's a waste of money.

I agree with Karen, the staying in bed and not eating is a sign of depression, please go to a doc and get some help for this. There is nothing wrong with asking for help. As far as the stay-at-home mom belief, I agree as well. We as a society, have pushed our kids into daycares were they learn nothing and rarely have a strong bond with their parents as they don't see much of them if they work excessively to pay for childcare. Its a vicious circle and I believe more moms or dads for that matter need to dedicate themselves to raising our future generation of children how the way parents did a few generations ago. Perhaps it would help reverse some of the mistakes our present generation of parents are making. i.e. too much tv, video games, etc. Good luck and keep writing, it helps.

Kiisha, Can I say that being a Mum is the hardest job in the world and is so highly valued by society but they don't show it. Society focuses on the failures, the trouble makers but if you can have a family and rais several independent, well balanced young people you will achive more for the world than any job could. Truly, I do believe that so much. So please don't put yourself down for wanting that, it's actually how your body was designed, to want and have and care for children. May be a sexist thing to say but I can't fight biology of millions of years.

You talk a lot about all the things you want to do and then basically you say "But I can't", or "It's catch 22". That's because your are thinking of things your mind right now is telling you that you can't do. Of course, you can when you are not depressed or whatever it is you are feeling. Could I suggest you need to refocus away from what you want to what you need so you may get what you want. That just means I think you should make solving the misery stuff is your first priority. You haven't lost any ability, if it is depression then what you describe is exactly how it works. It takes away your interest and reasons for doing anything so you feel useless. Which, if you look back, you are not. Seek help, treatment and you will get what yuou want if you try hard enough to make it work.