Why

Dunno if I can do this much longer. It's so lonely and pointless. Stopped going to work, just don't care and couldn't do anything there anyway. I just think about her. She's not coming back, I know. But I want her back. Don't see much in life without her. She was everything to me. Had some sleep but the tablets aren't strong enough to keep me asleep for long. It's like 2 hour patches, disturbed. They do that to torture people but we can do it to ourselves. Can read and write here but can't read in real time. Forget what I'm trying to read before I finish a sentence. No point. Just wanna sleep. How long does this go on for? It's only just started hasn't it? Tip of the iceberg. Don't want to go the distance as I've got no one and nothing.

Thanks Karen, But I've truly had it. This feeling is getting worse and worse and I feel like screaming. I've tried helping others here but the reality of that is barely any of them even bother to reply or probably read what I write. There's been 21 people read my post here and you are the only one to reply. Basically they don't care about anyone but themselves and that is how life is too in the real world. Once you lose your hold on it, then it's gone and can only be survival from there on. I've been trying so hard to remember all she went through and how she got through it. She worked so hard. I was told a couple of days back the likelihood is she deliberately drove off that road. I don't want to be here without her. End of story. Thanks for helping.

Sometimes it is as Karen says, people don't know what to say or are afraid of saying the wrong things. Sometimes to the see what some one else has responded with and find that comment/advice so good they feel like they can't add anything to it all, and then other times they see the same basic post from someone to whom they have responded before and they have nothing new to add. The final reason you may see a lot of looks but few responses is that someone may be going through the same basic thing and are just looking for answers them self.

Hi Bigquestion,
I was one of the people reading your post last night. I am truly sorry that I did not respond. I did not do it because I did not care but because I did not know how to help you. I have never felt that tremendous loss that you are going through now. I know now that kind words or just knowing that someone cares or is listening is so important.
Please listen to all of these wise and wonderful people. You need help to find your way out of this darkness. Is this what your wife would want for you? Please try to seek someone out and if you don't know how to do this, ask your dr.
Please take care of yourself and write often, I am thinking of you and hope that you find some peace.
Lisa

Hey Bigquestion,

I have only read your posts at the moment, sometimes when people have looked at a thread and not responded, it is non members that haven't signed onto the website, therefore they can't respond.

Firstly, I am truely and deeply sorry for your loss, it is a loss I understand all too well, as three generations of family have gone this way.

I too go through the extreme loney stage you have discribed, I have no family, no children, no partner, apart from my few friends, I truely are alone. It is an extremely ugly place to be in, and as soon as I am aware that I am heading into that downward spiral I fight like heck to not go there, it is a dangerous place for me to visit.

But, you are already there, I can clearly see that. When I am in that place, I try to think of things that I have accomplished, and I remind myself that had I given up the last time I was in the ugly place, then I would not have been able to experience my last trip, or helping someone, or the birth of a friends baby. And then I begin to fight with everything in me, I am firm, and I tell myself off for entertaining the idea of giving up, I don't have that as an option, what would I be missing out on if I go through with it? And when I say fight, I mean fight, it is really hard coming back from that ugly place.

Part of my process is planning, I always have a plan, either big or small things in advance, and these are the things I will be missing out on if I give up now, these will be the experiences I will miss out on if I don't start clawing my way out of the ugly place.

So please start to fight, you have sat with the grief for awhile now, don't sit too long in there, you can always go back there at a later date, but right now, it's not the best place for you to be.

I do not often write in such detail, and then leave my complete post there for others to read, but in this case I will, I have seen your responses to other people, they have been thoughtful, generous and helpful, and you deserve the same in return.

Please let us know how you are feeling today, I am worried, as I know where you are, it's not a good place to be. If you don't want to talk, but want us to know you are ok, can you just leave us a dot, like this . this will confirm you are ok, and will be the best little dot I have seen for a long time.

Take care bigquestion, begin to fight now

WOW Bigquestion

I feel like a selfish b@@@@ after reading your post. I am very sorry for your loss-it must feel unbearable right now.

Is there some way to honor your wife that would bring relief? Something to work at that will tell everyone what a wonderful life you had-a memorial garden, an aide/scholarship fund? Even a scrapbook...I am doing one for my daughter...each page has photos and I write my memories there too...I laugh and cry...my hub is terminal so I'm starting now...their lives live on in our memories, try to concentrate on her life and not her death(I know, I get stuck on my daughter walking down the aisle w/o Dad) but I remember lots of giggles too.

I pray that God will give you the strength to LIVE, not just exist. God Bless

Maggie

So very sorry for your loss. I know that when my first husband left me the loss was devastating to me and a local divorced and widowed group brought me back to the land of the living. I pray that you are able to find your way back with all the wonderful suggestions here. I have not suffered your loss, but know that I truly do care and will be coming back to see how you are doing. I am usually on the bipolar forum. God Bless!!!

This is sad!! Wish i read his post sooner. I havent been on in a long time. Is there anyway admin can get a hold of him?