floating, flat, not here?

Although I am not new to this site, I haven't posted on here in probably a year or a year and a half.

I first came on here back in 2009 when I went through my first and only episode of major depression. I was 17. Now, 19 and in college, I find myself feeling flat and lost.

Although I don't feel depressed again, I just feel unable to feel. Or unsure of what to feel. Part of me feels blah. I feel as if I am just floating through day by day... little by little. I feel confused. I am adopted. I have been in foster care since I was 1 month old and I was adopted at 6 years old. When I asked to be admitted into the hospital for major depression when I was 17, my family was told there that I haven't "identified" with them. I remember how hurt I was when I was told this because I didn't feel that way. However, once I heard this, I couldn't seem to get the idea out of my mind. I searched for my biological family and found them. Shortly after I met my biological mother, aunt, cousin, and grandmother, my biological grandmother died.

I didn't know how to handle her death. Obviously, since I didn't know her, it didn't make me feel too bad. However, it made me feel horrible that I met all of them and now I hardly talk to them and they just lost their mother/grandmother.

I apologize for rambling but I just don't know who to talk to. I feel like I have so many problems and I don't even know where to begin..

I think I need to see my therapist/psychiatrist again.

Maggie,

Thank you for responding.

I really liked how you put the friend to my bio fam and daughter to adoptive. I totally agree. It is just very confusing and I was kind of passed around all my life. I feel like a lost pup sometimes.

Ah well. I think I will schedule an appointment

Also, I am on zoloft and lamictal

I was adopted by my father when I was 3. I than foun out later on when I was 9 that I was adopted. Of course I wanted to meet my biological dad and I finally got to when I was 15. I also met the whole family and my grandmother past away a week after meeting her. My grandmother left me some
Messages before she left and I think they could open your eyes to somethings. She reminded me that she loved me from the day I was born and her life wasn't complete without me and now that she had finally met me she was at ease and felt it was okay for her to leave and be with her god. I do sometimes blame myself because the rest of my family lost her. But you have to realize that you should be glad that you were around her for the time your were and live your life day by day. Enjoy the fact that now
You have two family's to have. But never forget your past but learn from it.

Dear Lovers, Hakun and Karen

Your stories are very moving Good for you Karen for sharing....some of us turn out to be very loving beings IN SPITE of our parents/those that raise us

I guess I was lucky that altho my parents had a relly crappy relationship, my sister, brother and I were tight and I had a huge loving extended family. I guess as long as you know love and receive it, things work out.

Not living in the past has been hard for me...I made some terrible mistakes and I live with alot of guilt, but have apologized to those I hurt the most and am trying to move on. Y'all think I am a sweetheart, but that is only recently.

I guess better late than never. All of us have "issues"..we need to learn to be happy and like you said Karen, give ourselves room to live, to be happy.

Thanks for posting lovers spit...it made all of us reflect

Maggie