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Feeling numb...

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Posted 11/11/2011 5:35 PM (GMT 0)
Maybe my brain is tired of thinking or maybe my heart just got tired of feelings. My ex-partner posted a picture on Facebook on Sunday that read "Love is gunna tear us apart". Monday, she updated her status to the lyrics of a song I have never heard, "You and tequila". I have not been using any social networking sites, as I did not want to see any of these things... guess that's the bad part of living in small towns: you hear about it anyway. I read the lyrics to the song... cool, a woman is compared to the toxic effects of drug use. Awesome.

I called her and asked if she had anything she would like to tell me... she didn't know what I was talking about. I told her that I had heard about some things on her Facebook and if they were directed at me, I hope that she would let me know that was how she felt about me because finding out over the internet/from others was very hurtful. She was at work and had stepped outside, so of course, she was frustrated that I was asking her these things and that "other people were making problems". She said that they meant nothing... come on. Seriously?!?!? She yelled at me... she has NEVER yelled at me or even in front of me. She then immediately apologized for yelling and I said I didn't deserve that... That all I had done was continue to love and care for her, which she replied with "Yeah, nothing was ever good enough! It was never enough!!!" and hungup.

I had asked her if we could set a deadline for resolution. I explained that I didn't want to base my actions or decisions off of assumptions and that I'd really like clarification from her on what she expected from me...the usual "I don't know". I asked if she just didn't know in our situation or as a whole. She said she knows nothing. I really hope she is still in therapy.

Aside from being treated like crap, I'm tired of no one believing me that she is really not well. Just like last week, yesterday she again said, "I'm a mess. I'm a (dirty word) mess". We have mutual friends and they will see her and report, "oh she was dressed nicely, she said she was stressed with finishing school and just busy with work". She's putting on a good show. I don't want her to be a mess in front of everyone, but I look like a liar/crazy loon. When everything first happened, I asked our close friends to just check in on her a little more often as she was going through a hard time... they didn't believe me then and they don't believe me now. Why is it that she TELLS me she's a mess?? I know that no one goes around blasting their business that their life is falling apart, but what does she want me to do with that information??? My take on it: she is comfortable enough with me to admit things because she knows I know better, but admitting them to me means admitting them to herself. It's like she doesn't want to deal with it... like she said, she's on a plateau. Nothing is better, nothing is worse. She'd rather just deny them and pretend like its all ok. Just doing the bare minimum to get through the days.

She's back to filling her life with parties and people who don't expect anything. She deserves better, but most of all, I DESERVE BETTER. I know my worth; I am sincerely sympathetic she doesn't know hers. I miss our relationship, but I miss my best friend more. I don't think it would phase her one bit God forbid something bad were to happen to me. Or if I moved, took a new job... whatever. The point is it really doesn't bother her that I'm not in her life. I'm angry and I'm sad. My best friend is horribly broken & I miss her like crazy. For whatever reason, I'm glad I'm numb... maybe everything has just been too much.
Posted 11/11/2011 7:39 PM (GMT 0)
We keep suggesting that you just back away for a while and let her
contact you when she feels that she can be compatible with you.
You're digging yourself a hole right now; leave her alone if you can, and find out from your doctor why you have such a strong, almost intrusive dependency--she will let you know if she wants you back in her life--unless she has too much pride, in which case, you should probably seek your friendships with more gentle and tolerant people.

There are other nice people in the world; try to meet some at social functions if you want a good friend who appreciates your friendship.

You're between a rock and a hard place right now; you've got to concentrate on you and your well-being for a while.

I wish you good luck with this whole problem.

I.G.

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 11/11/2011 12:43:30 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 11/11/2011 8:03 PM (GMT 0)
I know and you all are right. I have plenty of good friends too... I've got to reclaim my life back.

I am listening, I am just struggling.
Posted 11/11/2011 8:22 PM (GMT 0)
Oh, Greenbean885, we all know what you are going through. We've probably all been there at one time or another in our lives, and it seems as though there's nothing you can do; we know that feeling.

Reclaiming your life is a terrific place to start. There's a lot of compassion here, and we'll all pitch in and try to help you through this.

Keep posting as you need; ask you doctor what he thinks about your sending back her things at your home and requesting your key back.
He might suggest that it's a good wake-up call for her. Otherwise,
you can let that ride if he thinks it might make things worse. You just never know--it's all part of what makes people attractive to us and
different from each other.

Keep working on you.

Have a good weekend.
I.G.
Posted 11/11/2011 8:49 PM (GMT 0)
IG is right. Requesting your key back and returning her things might be just what she needs for a wakeup call. She will have to face the decision that she made. Talk to your counselor about it.

Hope that things get better for you. Do things for yourself. Continue working on your life.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 11/11/2011 10:53 PM (GMT 0)
I understand that it is really hard to watch someone you love go through a destructive part of their life, however you need to be able to take care of yourself before you can truly care for her. It is not fair to you that you anguish over someone who is currently not responding to you in a positive method. Don't give up on her of course, but before you (or anyone for that matter) can help her, she is going to have to acknowledge she is sick and want the help.

I am so sorry GreenBean. Depression messes with your mind so bad, you truly don't understand how deeply it effects those around you until you are better. And sometimes it's too late by then.

::gentle hugs::
Posted 11/12/2011 1:55 AM (GMT 0)
with much healing compassion 2 you, jamie
Posted 11/14/2011 2:51 PM (GMT 0)
Hello all,

I hope that everyone had a good weekend. It's the start of a new day and a new week; this week I will try to focus more on myself. I have been trying to help myself, but it was so that I could help others. I have to help myself just for me... changes we make in ourselves for others don't necessarily stick. I need to do this for me.

I don't think I am ready to give her things back, so until I really know how I feel about that I'm just going to leave them boxed up and out of sight.

New goal: find activities that are just for me... things I enjoy. It's a new adventure I suppose. Thank all of you for the positive and encouraging words.
Posted 11/14/2011 7:45 PM (GMT 0)
You're welcome, GreenBean885. Maybe there'll be a rainbow after all.
It might not be the one you originally hoped for, but miracles do happen, you know. Keep the faith.

Best wishes,

I.G.
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