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Messed up.. afraid.. wish I could change things...

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Posted 11/24/2011 6:02 AM (GMT 0)
I am currently in college. However, I can't seem to get excited for my future. I am worried. I am afraid. I am so afraid that I will have another depressive episode. I am afraid I will lose my boyfriend again.

I just never want to feel the way I felt 2 years ago. I literally went through hell and came out of it.

The only reason I think I would have another depressive episode soon is because my boyfriend and I are going through a tough time. We dated for 1 year and then he broke up with me.

After he broke up with me, I felt lost. I started to go back to my old ways and I would go out to parties with my friends (as many college students do). I ended up sleeping with someone 7 years older than me. (sorry if we aren't supposed to talk about stuff like this). I didn't even know him. I hate myself for doing this. It wasn't me. It was completely out of character.

My boyfriend and I since got back together, however he cannot trust me because we were talking about getting back together and I got with a different guy.

There is absolutely no excuse for my behavior. Even though both of these incidents happened while I was intoxicated and out with friends, I should have been in control of the situations.

Anyways..

I just worry about what will happen. I love my boyfriend. We are back together but he can't trust me whatsoever. I just wish I could change everything. I just hated myself when he broke up with me and I just went to doing destructive things... just like I did right before I realized I was severely depressed.

I just feel like such a messed up person. I have a dysfunctional past, I don't feel connected to my family, I hate the things I have done, and now my boyfriend can't trust me. I just want things to get better but lately I feel like they never will.
Posted 11/24/2011 6:18 AM (GMT 0)
Ask yourself this. If the situation was reversed would you completely and instantly trust your boyfriend or would you need some time to learn to fully trust him again? I can't answer for you but most people are going to need some time.

I think that the fact he has gotten back together with you says he does care and he WANTS to be able to trust you completely. Just give him the time he needs.

Everyone has things in the past that they wish they could change, but as far as I know a time machine has not been invented for real yet so all anyone can do is learn from everything they have done right and everything they have done wrong and keep moving forward and do our best to repeat our successes and never copy our errors.

One lesson I think, hope, that you have learned is that your better judgment goes right out the window when you choose to drink. This is true with everyone. The only difference is the rate the judgment goes and what goes with it.
Posted 11/24/2011 6:37 AM (GMT 0)
Jim1969,

Thank you for your post. This really helped me.

I completely agree with your first comment. If the situation was reversed, I would not instantly trust him either. I would definitely need time to build my trust back.

Two nights ago, we talked about the situation. We always talk about breaking up through texting. Two nights ago, in person, we really talked it through. I explained to him how I feel about men. I feel abandoned by my biological father, as I was given up for adoption. I feel abandoned by my adoptive father, as I do not talk to him very much at all anymore (my adoptive father also suffers from severe brain damage which I do not blame him for but it is very hard to even hold a conversation with him).

I explained to my boyfriend how he was the first male in my life that I felt completely and utterly connected to. I felt like he truly cared about me and wanted to make me happy however he could. We had the best year together, probably one of the best years of my life. When he broke up with me, I felt like I was losing everything. I felt like I needed him in my life and he was throwing me away.

He told me he needed space, he just wanted to be friends. I took this as- It's over. So, I went out and tried to forget him and tried to get over him. Instead, I now feel disgusting and even worse than I did when he initially broke up with me.

I feel so lucky that he even took me back.

I giggled at your time machine comment. Nobody has ever explained this better to me. I definitely need to learn from what I have done wrong and grow from my successes.

As for the drinking, I don't do it very often and I now try my best to have a very limited amount when I choose to do so. I brought it up to my boyfriend that I wouldn't drink or go out to parties. He told me he doesn't think that would solve it, he just thinks I need to control myself. I agree with this but sometimes I also feel that my medication may affect my alcohol intake.

One question, what do you mean by "the only difference is that rate the judgement goes and what goes with it."?

loverspit
Posted 11/24/2011 10:19 AM (GMT 0)
People have different tolerances to the effects of alcohol. This can be "natural" and/or this can be due to medications a person is taking. The lower a person's tolerance is the faster the succumb to the effect of a loss or decrease in good judgment skills. In addition to this, for whatever reason, people have different reactions and the will act differently than they normally would. One person who may seem very straight laced most of the time may become the comedian, another person who would rarely if ever think about having a one night stand may become very receptive to one. Some one who drives 5 mph under the speed limit all the time may suddenly become the next Jeff Gordon or Mario Andriette.

In short all I meant by that comment is that no 2 people are alike and every one reacts differently to any given situation.
Posted 11/26/2011 3:54 AM (GMT 0)
Wow, I can completely relate to your situation, and the feelings of not being connected to family... I'm in a similar one myself. In the past and just recently now, break ups have triggered really me to do really destructive things that i just feel i have no control over. When it happens I get this feeling of such a deep, agonizing pain that I'll do anything to make it go away. I just thought I'd say i can relate to what you may have felt at the time...I've also been thinking it might have Borderline personality disorder-it's really common for people with this to have trouble controlling their destructive impulses, esp. when it comes to losing people/relationships.

It's normal for someone to need time to gain trust back, but because you two were broken up at the time, I hope he can understand partially what you were feeling at the time, and how hard it is for you because of the depression.

I really hope you feel better, and the trust can be regain between you two. hang in there and go to a therapist if you need to <3
Posted 12/12/2011 6:56 AM (GMT 0)
elfenprincess,

Thank you for your post. I just posted a new thread tonight, however nobody replied.

Unfortunately, last night I had another one night stand after my boyfriend once again broke up with me a week or so ago. I now know that I must end all ties with him. I cannot tell him about last night as it would literally tear his heart in two. I just feel so disgusting and I feel that no other human could do something so utterly wrong. I love my (now ex) boyfriend and it has been so hard because today he has been texting me and being kind.

I just feel so horrible. I feel sick to my stomach.

I have too, thought that I may have borderline personality disorder or some type of dissociative disorder. However, I only have these destructive sexual encounters when I am very drunk. I take medication for depression and anxiety and I feel that when I drink, I literally have no control over my actions.

When I was 17 (I am 19 now), I admitted myself to a psychiatric hospital. I was so depressed that I could not even function. When I was in 8th grade, I moved in with my newly married sister because my mother (all adoptive family here) became ill. She had cancer and eventually her diabetes become so bad that she had to have her left leg amputated.

When I moved in with my sister, I pushed my mother away because I thought she was going to die. I was anxious around her and I just literally never wanted to be with her. I know that sounds heartless, it is heartless. But I just couldn't stand the thought of losing her so I just kind of pushed her away. I hate myself because I wasn't there for here when she was sick. I am sure she went through hell because only my sister helped take care of her and my sister is not nice to her at all.

Long story short, when I was admitted to the hospital, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. They also told my family that they thought I hadn't "identified" with my adoptive family. This was like taking a bullet. I felt mad and scared. And then, I almost thought it made sense.

I just don't feel connected to anyone. Except my ex boyfriend, who I now have to break ties with because I cannot be with him and not tell him what I did. That would be wrong of me.

I literally feel sick just thinking of life without him. I love him so much. I am such a horrible person. Nobody to blame but myself though.
Posted 12/12/2011 1:19 PM (GMT 0)
Try not to feel guilty. You did what you had to to survive. You were working on you. That is okay...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 12/12/2011 4:54 PM (GMT 0)
Karen,

Thank you for posting. I am trying to not be so hard on myself but it is hard.

I just told my ex boyfriend that we need to stop seeing each other. He seems confused. I told him I just need to work on myself right now. He said I should do what I need to do and he is sorry it didn't work out. But he seems upset.

I am upset.

I ruined our relationship.
Posted 12/12/2011 5:39 PM (GMT 0)
Once you get things sorted out, you may continue to be friends. That is a gift in itself. I hope that this works out for you with no hard feelings. He seems to understand. I can understand that he is upset, but he will get over it. I think he loves you. He wants the best for you.

Hugs, Karen
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