What is wrong with me? help

Dear lovers spit.....I am so sorry that are having regrets, but maybe you should give up alcohol. When you drink you do not think the same way as sober. I doubt you would have had a 1 night stand if you were sober. unfourtuately, now you have to pay the price for poor judgement. Try to move past it and try and make a fresh start without the alcohol. I think you will find that you will make wiser choices.



Take care, Amy

Stop drinking. It makes you depressed. That is probably why you are so depressed right now. When you go out, don't drink alcohol.

Hugs, Karen

Karen,

I think you're right. I should stop drinking. It's just that I enjoy it and it is hard to stop in college as that is what a lot of people do.


BlueMoon878,

I am actually going to be in my second semester of sophomore year in college. However, I had my first major depressive episode when I was a senior in high school. Like I said, I pushed my mother away and my sister (who I lived with) was verbally and emotionally abusive. She would say the meanest things to me. But I love her so much because when I was younger, she was like a second mother to me. She used to be the number 1 person in my life and I could turn to her for anything. Now, I hardly speak to her. She is not a nice person. It is hard though because I am staying at home (her house, with her husband and 2 daughters) over christmas break. This is where I call home.

I am studying psychology in school. I am planning on becoming an art therapist. I want to help others and do art as well. I think focusing on this would be beneficial as well. Hopefully my psychology class next semester won't be too hard though. I am taking biopsychology.

I definitely think that I need to move forward and take things day by day. It is just so frustrating though because the guy that I had the one night stand with the other night, told one of my roommates. I specifically told him not to tell anyone and he did. He said he thought it would be ok if he told her because I told my other roommate. My roommate that he told came into our apartment last night while the roommate that I told and I were sitting on the couch watching t.v. The roommate that he told called me a ***** and laughed and went to her room. This made me furious, 1. She had like 10 1 night stands last year and 2. She has no right to know. It isn't any of her business.

Well, I feel like I am rambling on again.

One last thing. Today I told my ex boyfriend who is still talking to me, that I want to break it off. I cannot tell him what I did the other night as it would break his heart. I told him it would be best if we didn't keep trying at our relationship because I think he deserves better and I can't imagine how he feels. He replied and asked me if something else had happened. I denied it. I feel terrible but he cannot know. It would kill him. He is being very difficult though and asking me what happened and why I all of a sudden am the one to be breaking up with him.

I just want to better myself as a person and stop drinking. I want time alone.

A) you need to quit drinking. Being in college doesn't mean you have a free ticket to party. Of course it makes you feel better, it makes you "numb" and forget how bad everything hurts for awhile. Not only will you feel worse the next day, but eventually, you'll get to a point where the alcohol doesn't even help you anymore. You're not at school to drink, you're there to learn.

B) If you're in college, I am sure your university has a counseling program. Make an appointment. You are not expected to shake off the feelings you have from childhood. Events in our lives, even at young ages, influence the way we work in the world and the person we become. You have identified many factors from your past that seem to bother you. Sometimes, you need to know that it's ok these things bother you. As much as we want to be super heroes, we all have our breaking point and maybe these things have just gotten to a point where they have overwhelmed you. There are professionals to help you work through those feelings and thoughts until we are capable of doing it on our own.

C) Sex involves two people. No, it isn't right that this guy is running around telling people what you two did, but can you expect something different? If it was nothing but a one night stand and you were already shameful of your actions before he left, how can you expect him to respect your wishes not to tell anyone? It may be best that you refrain from these interactions as it seems to only hurt you more in the aftermath. YOU are in control of your behavior. If you know the guilt eats at you in the days to come, give yourself a break and stop setting yourself up to feel even worse. Using sex, drugs or alcohol as a means to cover/mask your emotions isn't healthy and it won't work forever.

D) Leave your ex alone, he is your ex. I say this with the wishes that my recent ex had quit the BS and done so with me, instead of giving me hope for 3 months. She also claimed to be having a hard time and didn't want to bring me down, but her depression and confusion threw me for a whirlwind of my own. Cut it off. Maybe one day you'll want to explain and maybe one day he'll want to listen... ya never know. Either way, regardless of how he feels, you're only making yourself feel worse by keeping him in the picture.

E) make an appt with the university nurse or doctor. let them know how you are feeling: negative thoughts, no feeling of self worth. They may be able to help you with medicine, support groups, or religious leaders in the community to help you figure things out. Maybe you would like to open up to a teacher instead? Know when to ask for help.

I say this to you from experience. Im 22, just graduated with a double major in May. I was depressed in college around the same time you are right now. You WILL sort it out and things WILL start looking up. How quickly all of that happens depends on how much you begin to help yourself. The fist couple steps are scary as all get out... but you'll make it through. I have been having a tough time lately, so I am able to once again identify with all the negativity, fears and anxiety. Just making the smallest steps will start allowing you to feel a little better everyday until things are "normal" again. Instead of going out to have a drink, sit down and journal for awhile. Send an e-mail. Call home. Little baby steps. I have no idea how I'll feel in an hour, much less tomorrow, but I know I'm going to keep trying to do and feel better.

If you want to be better, you CAN be better. We believe in you.

Courtney

Working out will definitely keep you busy. Since the semester is ending, why don't you try to find some reading just for enjoyment? I started on the True Blood series because they are still ongoing and when I am finished, I can watch the series.

You have suffered many losses throughout your life. I have much sympathy for you and girl, I don't know how you handle it! When your mother tells you that she wouldn't have made it through without you, I don't think she is expecting anything. I say this because I know that many times in my life, I don't think I would have been as successful without key people in my life at the time. It wasn't what they did or how they changed, it was literally them just being themselves. Your mother is thankful just for your being! I think of certain friends and my sister the same way... I bet it's confusing to them too because I will randomly thank them just for being themselves. But that's really all it is, I love them and are thankful for who they are, just like your mama loves you and is thankful for who you are!

I didn't have a horrible childhood either but you know why I think that?? Because I am COMPARING. Don't compare. In ways, whether others consider them bad or not, you were neglected feelings you needed from those around you. It is personal and you should know that no one should judge you for those things. Do not demean your feelings. They are YOUR feelings and that makes them worth something.

about your ex... I loved the girl I dated for two years with my whole heart. You said something that stood out to me- that it is possible you don't know what love is. It does not mean you don't love him, it just means you love him the only way you know how. I believe this was true with my ex. She was not given the love a child needs from family and from that, she was unable to form lasting friendships or relationships. She truly couldn't love me the way I could love her. It's very sad a) that I didn't get that love back but even more so, b) that she can't love!!!! It's not to say she's a liar, but she truly doesn't know pure, accepting, unconditional love. It was silly of me to expect her to give such love when I was the first person in her life she had ever received it from. It was in her nature to leave me and to go back to what she knows--- shallow, conditional, very judgmental love. She's at the age (and point in her depression) where she has learned that she doesn't know how to love, but unlike you, she does not want to fix that. She states it got too hard and hurt too badly.

It will hurt. Working through the past and memories that have been shoved down because they hurt us will be painful. I want to see you get better :) Tell the ex you need time for you-- and mean it. She told me she needed time to figure things out and as bad as it sucked, I wanted her to take that time. Like I said, she quit. DON'T QUIT. Take the time you need and get yourself straight. It's not for him, it's not for your mom, friends, or roommates. It's so that YOU can put these things behind you in the past where they belong. The deal is, you have to fully work through them before they'll stay in the past.

You can post or email me anytime you like. I know you can find new activities besides the bar. You'll be ok!

Well, you gave me a lot to think about! Last week when I was in my group session, my therapist asked me about my childhood and what type of memories that I had. On the spot, I could not think of many memories and a week later, I still haven't. Actually, now, I just don't want to come up with any memories. This is BIG. It shows that I (and maybe you?) have shoved those memories from the past in a nice little hole that they can't escape from. I'd say I've done it because I know they will hurt... even if they are good memories, they will remind me of the feelings I wasn't getting that I needed. This may play a part in why you can't remember much from your younger years. Our psyche is always at play!

Like I said before, I'd visit with a doctor and therapist. It is good that you are going to see your therapist that you are already comfortable with. Do you live far from home? You may want to ask your therapist if he/she has someone they would recommend in the area for you to continue sessions with. Although your session over the break will most likely help immensely, it takes time to work these things out, especially if you are diagnosed with any illnesses that will require medications. I only took one psychology class in college, but the #1 rules was : Dont self diagnose! So you stop that and see a doctor for those things :) Otherwise, you'll diagnose yourself with every disorder in that book.

I know how you feel about others' families. I used to be very very jealous. In fact, in one of my relationships, I was so happy to be considered a part of his family, I think I was more scared of losing them than I was him. We have been broken up for nearly three years and I still keep in touch with his family. I am also close with many of my friend's mothers. But they don't replace my mom... they can't. She's still my mom. It is silly, but my grandmother says my mom needs me as badly as I need her. My mom had a breakdown when her hormones bottomed out a few years ago and I think many of her issues that came out are still bothersome to her. Anyway, I love her and I think like my grandmother said, we both need each other. It really surprised me last week when my mom expressed she didn't like not hearing from me daily. I have horrible cell phone reception, so I am having a landline installed tomorrow to hopefully bridge some of the gap between us.

You mentioned male figures in your life rejecting you and it made me want to share what I have learned recently about that. I never dated a girl before... this past relationship sort of just happened. I knew if it ended, I wasn't attracted to women, so I couldn't figure out exactly how I was in this relationship to begin with. Well, I knew that it was because I cared for "the person". BUT what I have learned is that subconsciously, I have voids from my mother and rejection from my father that has continued to affect me all my life. This girl was great, she was everything I needed AT THE TIME. She was supportive, encouraging, helpful, very endearing... took care of me like a mother would sometimes. I liked the attention, the attention I wasn't given when I was younger. When she got depressed and literally cut off all ties with me suddenly, I was crushed (still don't like how she went about things). Just like you, I was so concerned with her getting over her depression and fixing the wrong she had done to me so that our relationship could work out. Like you have done with your boyfriend, she lost all of my trust. I just KNEW that she was going to work through the depression, earn my trust back and things would be ok. If only things were that easy.

I would never date her again, much less speak to her. It isn't healthy for me. It is "filling my voids" with materials that aren't long lasting. The only way to fix those voids is by working through it and allowing God to heal me (my own personal belief). In her depression, she said some really crazy things to me... that she wasn't good enough, that I deserved the world, that she couldn't keep hurting me. I don't doubt that she meant any of them, but her actions didn't back up what she said. She could be suffering mental disorders for all I know, but when you love someone purely and unconditionally, you just don't treat them the way she has behaved. I think you are more in love with the idea of your boyfriend right now than the actual person he may be. This happens to me a lot... I have had many exes come back to me, claiming to be in love with me after they have treated me like gum on the bottom of their shoe. They love that I'm determined, intelligent, strong willed, persistent, loving and caring... but they don't love all the other things that comes with that. I am OCD, have anxiety, overly outspoken sometimes--- they just love the IDEA of the great person I am, where it would get them or how it would make them feel. The minute my negative qualities come out, they would run. It's just their nature... want the cake and eat it too. You love the way your boyfriend makes you feel and you are upset you have hurt him. But I think you're more upset you hurt him because he may leave you, not because you really hurt him. Right now, like you said, you need to think about yourself.

Once you are out of your fog of excruciating pain, you'll see things a little more clearly. I am still very very hurt, but I'm able to look at the old relationship and see that she just wasn't right for me. Not only that, but I want a husband and children. She isn't as driven or determined as I am, and quite honestly, she doesn't give a hoot about anyone but herself. She may THINK she cares for others, but she ignores family and friends and does nothing to contribute back to society. She has claims of wanting to know God better, yet does nothing about. She says a lot of nice things that sound really great, but never gets off her rump and does them... girl, that is so not me! I want to eventually work or financially support a non profit business-- do you really think someone who can only think of themselves will be able to support me in that?? NOO MMMAAMMM

And then again, things may work out between you two. You really can't bother with it right now. My ex could come back and be a totally different person (HIGHLY doubt it) and things could work out (again, HIGHLY doubt it). I couldn't care two bits right now because I need to focus on me. She said she needed to focus on her too... and is dating someone 4 years younger than her. Girl please, I know that child is not 1/4 of the person I am or who I will continue to grow to be.

It does get better. You will see I have really low days and question lots of things, but I am getting better. And like you, I'm not going to quit either.

I don't think it's ridiculous that it feels your childhood was a different life. Sometimes, I feel detached like that too. I am working with EMDR therapy. Last night, I was asked to bring up good memories from my childhood... they ended up making me sad! My therapist explained that this was normal, that we will work through focusing on the positive and then work through why they may upset me. To me, I was hearing "you're going to be in therapy a long time" lol.

I understand not seeing your relationship go far. I saw mine being lasting, but with many challenges, challenges I think I was forcing on myself. I only met exes family once too; however, we spent a lot of time with mine. A lot of people only thought we were "best friends". Well, we were best friends, but we were more than that. I also understand the bond... but as I have gotten deeper into my faith recently and started working through more issues, like I said, it was a void. I felt the same way... like I would never connect with someone that way and our "bond" was just irreplaceable. On my end, I can say that the bond like the one with her will never exist with someone else because I will be a different person, a healthier, less broken person. I will have healthier relationships. So, as scary as it is to think I won't miss that bond, I have seen more of the reality of the emotions. Once you learn where they came from, things make a lot more sense.

My ex used to also get mad that I never said "I love you" very much. She said it ALL THE TIME. I didn't need to hear it all the time, I just needed her to show it. When she stopped showing it, it didn't really matter what she said because she wasn't following up. She's lazy. And selfish. Anyway, your actions will always speak louder than words. She can say whatever nice things she will about me, but ignoring me, returning my things in the rain and starting a new relationship after leading me on for three months... nope, sorry sister, you don't care. Easy as pie.

As far as God goes... I think it's hard to put trust into anything, especially when it is abstract; however, it pays off (at least for me). I believe that happiness, like our health and hygiene, is a task that must be maintained. I don't think it's just handed to us. I also don't think there's just one way to be happy; it comes from juggling many things in all the right proportions. If prayer brought you comfort before, it may be an outlet you would like to look into again. Sometimes, I find it hard to attend services on my own. I'm not sure why, maybe it's the anxiety, but after it's done I do feel better. When we want something badly enough, we work towards it. Sometimes, the hardest step is not working actually working towards it, but telling ourselves we DESERVE the success and we are WORTHY. That first boost to get us started is always the hardest. But once you start working, you're already too far in to quit!

A lot of people never challenge themselves to face the pain of the past. They will go through life, destructive of their own lives and the lives around them. They cannot seem to love themselves enough to face the issues and rise above; I don't think they comprehend the true happiness that will come. Anyway, you're doing a great job already, just knowing that things aren't right :)

I think if you stop drinking and stopped going out that would be a huge change for you and it would put the wheels in motion for healing. I am glad that you got an appointment for the 1st. It will come sooner than you think. If I were you, I would try to relax about this whole situation and just start doing what feels right to you. I think you are making it worse than it is in your own mind. There is nothing that you can do to change what happened, but you can change the future and not let it happen again. And I want to add that I hope that you are using protection. You don't want to contract anything.

I think once you start counseling, you will feel a lot better about yourself. You aren't a bad person. You have made some mistakes. Learn from them.

A psychiatrist and psychologist is trained to understand how we are thinking. They can get us thinking in better ways. I have had much success with mine and I think you will too. Try to be optimistic about things. You are going to feel better. I think you are already starting with the advice that you have gotten here. And writing things down really helps. Just make sure you keep things where others can't read them.

I hope that you feel better soon. Keep your chin up. You are a good person. Remember that.

Hugs, Karen

Your relationship may not be ruined. Once you get into counseling and work through this, you may not have the guilt of what you did anymore. I had an affair once, and the doctor told me, nomatter what I do, don't feel guilty about it. But my marriage was a different situation than you and your boyfriend. And I wasn't being treated very well by my husband. I was faithful for 17 of the 23 years we were together. I lost him to lung cancer in 2000. But in my mind I deserved to have the afair. For all the things that he did to me.

I think once you are able to see this for what it is, a mistake, you will put less dynamics on it and it will be easier for you to not tell him about it. The more that you worry, the more apt it is to come out. You will have it on your mind way too much. Once you get it off your mind, you will be able to go back to the way things were before.

Just do learn from this. If you are blacking out and having sex, I am doubting that you are using protection from std's and other things. So the drinking should stop. Find some constructive things to do instead. They can be fun... Something to occupy that part of the day. So you wont be tempted to go out. That will keep you from an atmosphere that might cause you to want to drink.

I hope that this works out for you. You are a sweet person. Keep going to counseling. Stop drinking. Find projects to keep you busy.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen

I think that this is a good plan. You can work on yourself and get yourself straight before you get back into a relationship. I think you are being very smart about this. You need to work on you. And another reason it is good to quit drinking is because alcohol is a depressant. It makes you depressed. And you are struggling with that already. I am happy for your choices. Do work on you...

Hugs, Karen