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Posted 1/27/2012 8:33 AM (GMT 0)
I've posted on here before but I can't remember what I said last time - all I remember is that it seemed helpful to "talk" so I figured I'd do that again. It's the same problems they aren't going away, just getting worse but whatever - since I don't know what I wrote before I'll give the synopsis.

I'm 34, unemployed, chronically ill (with fibro and medullary sponge kidney - means constant kidney stones - and a bunch of other crap), as of feb 1 (which is also my bday - yay me) I'll be uninsured, I'm going to traffic court on Monday (long story) so I may be losing my license, I live alone, have no friends or family close by and my family thinks I'm a drug addict because I take the bare minimum of pain medication prescribed by my doctors to control my chronic pain conditions so they're full of non-support, and my best friend (and only friend in this town) just moved away 2 weeks ago. My friends in general are nice but don't understand or really have any way of helping from far away and they've all pretty much given up on talking to me because I'm so miserable. If I do want to talk to them I basically just have to not talk about anything going on in my life and listen to how wonderful their lives are going - which just makes everything worse so I avoid it.

Also, my pain mgmt doc closed his practice in November and I run out of pain meds next week (just in time for my bday - yay). You would think with the history of 4 yrs of pain mgmt it would be easy to find another doctor but apparently that's not the case. I've been to a dozen or more doctors and they've all turned me away (I didnt even know you could do that but yeah - you can) - I'm running out of time, money, insurance, and most importantly - medicine. Now I'm down to 2 options - my primary doc managed to get me in to see a pain doc tomorrow (well today - in a few hours actually) - either option 1 - he treats me and at least I'll have medicine or at least a doctor (note - I'm ok with them taking me off narcotics if need be - I just need it done safely and with a doctor to help me with the pain) or 2 - I go to a detox center... probably a crappy government run one because I'm poor and unemployed. If I go to a detox center there will be no further doctor care and I'll have absolutely no way of managing this unbearable pain - but hey, at least I'll be able to detox without some crappy side effect like, oh, my heart stopping.

I'm terrified. And this is just one of the problems - still have to figure out how I'll feed myself if I have no license. Oh and I lose my car all together in 2 months because I'm leasing my car and the lease end then and I'll have no money to buy another car. There's no public transport near me - I'll have to walk everywhere. Add to that the fact that I'm unemployed and my unemployment runs out soon. I'm disabled from this pain and can't work - I filed for disability but it takes like 2 yrs to get which I don't have so I've been applying to every job I see but even with an MBA I can't get a job (even if I only would be able to work long enough until they figure out I'm too sick to do the job then fire me).

My parents want nothing to do with me - they think I'm lazy, made bad choices (cuz ya know - getting sick was totally my choice) and that's what's landed me where I am now. My mom hasn't even talked to me in a month because she thinks I'm a drug addict (again - I only take the barest minimum of what I'm prescribed). My sister calls occasionally to try to convince me to get off drugs (well she may get her wish). My dad is the worst in some ways and the best in others - he's actually helped a little with money but has said no more that I need to get my act together on my own - he did say I could live with him if I absolutely was homeless but it would mean giving up my 2 dogs which honestly are the only things I have going for me right now. That and I'd have to get a job and get out of the house as fast as possible and he'd make my life a living hell until that happened. Plus he's mr. guilt-trip - this is all my fault, yada yada.

Then there's the dogs - one of them is sick - nothing life threatening, she has a cough - I got her treatment for it but it's not going away and I need to take her back to the vet and I can't afford to... now I'm not sure but maybe they'd be better off with out me too.

Anyway so I'm awake right now at 3am even though I have to be up at 7 to get ready for my doc appt because this is it - the beginning of the end. If this doc appt goes wrong I'll lose access to medicine ... i'm already in SO much pain even with the medicine I'm using. Typing this msg for example hurts like a mofo but I'm doing it because of the medicine I have left. When it runs out I'm not even 100% sure I'll be able to get myself to the bathroom and feed myself. So yeah - kinda means I won't be able to even pretend my way through getting a job... no job means eventually no money and disability is not gonna happen for a long time - I'll be homeless by then. Plus if I lose my license on Monday- all the same stuff applies. I'll be on my own, no transportation, no medicine, no help - just pain.

So yeah - that's my 30 page sob story and the reason I'm not asleep right now. I'm not even sure if "depression" even fits this situation... because even if I didn't already have depression this would be enough stress to put anyone in a tailspin. I'm beyond depression - I'm drowning. And no words of "it will get better" and "chin up" and "this too shall freaking pass" are going to change this situation. I also know about the fibro board on this site and I belong to a local fibro group but right now what I'm going through surpasses anything they can handle... and same for this group too I'm sure. I just needed to write this stuff down to give myself some way of expressing how much of a mess I'm in right now. I hope this appt goes well ... I hope I don't lose my license... I hope I don't lose my dogs and end up homeless and suffering alone. I hope all this pain ends because I honestly think I reached my limit about 12 major crises ago. And maybe someone reading this who's depressed will think "gee - that sucks, wow, my life's not THAT bad" and will feel better... at least then all this horrifying mess would at least have some point.
Posted 1/27/2012 11:59 AM (GMT 0)
Just because I might forget, if your dog is coughing, it could be heartworm. Do you give them hearworm preventive medication? I had that happen once, that is why I didn't want to forget to mention this. I don't want to scare you but you may need to take your dog to the vet, or atleast call them and ask their opinion.

What kind of pain meds do you take? It may be a good idea to start weaning before your meds are gone. Narcotics do cause depression at times, but I think your depression is situational because of all taht is going on. Fibro can make you feel depressed too. I have it too, so I know how that goes.

I am sorry for your situation. I hope that things work out well for you. This isn't easy. Fibro really makes things rough. I have had it for over eight years. I do also moderate on the fibro forum. It is a great site. You may want to read over there or even post. They are a great group of compassionate members. And may have some good suggestions for you.

I hope that you get your disability. I imagine you could try to work. But I would wait until you see what is going to happen. How long has it been since you signed up. My sister just got hers. I tried, but got denied. I did work part time for awhile at a convenience store. I didn't work a long time, but it did feel good to know I could earn my own money. For awhile anyway.

I hope that you find a doctor that can help you. I imagine you feel very alone and helpless right now. But try to have faith that things could work out. Try not to think about this too much if possible, as the stess of this situation could put you in a flare with the fibromyalgia. Try to take life one day at a time. I know, it is hard... But that is all we can do and worrying about things makes everything worse.

Keep posting, it helps to get things off of your chest. Know that we all care.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 1/27/2012 12:25 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Bridget

Reading your post really struck a chord in me. At one point, I was homeless. It sucked, but I was able to work and rent a weekly room, car was seized so I walked everywhere,BUT I was in good hysical shape, so I understand your drowniing feeling

My family lost everything and our whole town during Katrina (google bay saint louis ms Katrina photos) By 2005, I was full blown fibro, and I went into major depression, ptsd, chronic, blah blah blah, hubby dxd w/ termional cancer and we lived in a tent and sat around a campfire at nite with weapons to keep looters from taking your food water, bicycle, fishing rods, whatever!!! Crazy11

I won't give you platitudes...I would like to know about your charges as my hubby went thru alot of moving violation, suspension and a dui a few years back..you may very well not lose license and they allow monthly "probation" payments. Apply for housing, food stamps and medicaid-this will take all your energy but might help

What meds are you on? Do they keep you functional enought to work at all?

I have not been in your shoes Bridget, but I've been close by so anything I can do to help een if it's just an ear, I 'm happy to help. It has been a long road back for me, still fighting, still want to curl up in a ball too-lol.

I'm here Bridget

Maggie
Posted 1/27/2012 6:11 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Bridget

I'm really interested in how it went at doctor's-I hope he was able to help you out...

please let us know...even if we cannot help in any substantial way, we do care how you are

Maggie
Posted 1/27/2012 6:49 PM (GMT 0)
Doc can't help ... gave another doc name... but I'm pretty sure I already tried his office before.... more runaround for nothing

thx guys for your support

but "It's Genetic" - might want to learn a thing or too about chronic pain conditions - and yeah, you getting all judgmental - really not helpful.
Posted 1/27/2012 8:57 PM (GMT 0)
Are you going to try to see the other doc, even though you think you may have already tried? I have a couple of online sites that are free if you think that they would help.

http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

http://ecouch.anu.edu.au/welcome

The best feedback I got on these was some members found moodgym to be helpful. I hope that it helps you. It is free. So do check them out.

I am sorry that you are in a predictament with getting help. Don't give up though. There are ways to get around things, and if we can think of anyway to help you we sure will post it.

I hope that your day gets better.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 1/27/2012 9:48 PM (GMT 0)

My post fhas been removed from the forum, Bridget, as you probably prefer. 

 I have re-read your original post, Bridget123, and I made a terrible mistake in even trying to post to the thread.  I am sorry for interrupting the additional threads related to your problems in life.

 Hope you able to adjust to doctors' advice and help.

 It's Genetic

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 1/27/2012 3:43:49 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 1/27/2012 9:53 PM (GMT 0)
Sorry Bridget

start trying to cut back on pain meds before you run out, it really will be easier, trust me, I've done it both ways-lol.

yeah, try that doc anyway...would explaining your situation to office staff help you get in?

I had to find a new pain doc recently and I had an involuntary "opiate holiday"...lots of heating pad action and ibuprofen...

i wish I had something better to tell you but come here and vent whenever-no judgments

Take it easy
Maggie
Posted 1/28/2012 12:56 AM (GMT 0)
IMHO the writers, producers, etc of all of the articles, news reports, documentaries, etc of the prescription drug abuse problem should be taken out and shot because almost everyone of those reports are so 1 sided. They don't talk about the thousands or more people in the USA alone who suffer from chronic pain conditions and who need pain medication just to make it from bedroom to the bathroom most days.

These reports make it sound like anyone who takes pain medication for more than 1 or 2 weeks is a drug addict and it has the general population believing it. Then to add more injury to the insult it has doctors and lawmakers believing it too.

I can truly understand what you are going through with trying to find a new doctor to handle your pain issues. I too suffer from chronic pain and lost my doctor a few years ago and it took me nearly a year to find a new one and then another 6-8 months after than before my new doctor would prescribe me an effective medication. I ended up having to go through all the non-narcotic pain meds again as well as all kinds of injections and physical therapies even though it was in my records that it had all been tried before.

Anyway, I do not know what medication(s) you are taking now or have tried, but if you are not on or haven't tried Lyrica or Cymbalta yet I suggest you talk to your primary care doctor about it. These meds are non narcotic so most doctors have no problems prescribing them and they are often prescribed for the treatment of fibro. The probably won't do any good for kidney stone pain but they do have a good track record for helping the Fibro pain. Also the makers of these medications have programs in place to help pay for them for people who do not have insurance and can not afford them.
Posted 1/28/2012 1:14 AM (GMT 0)
Bridget,

Why do your parents think you're lazy and made bad choices? You have an MBA. It takes commitment to get that so I wouldn't equal that to lazy? And what do they mean by bad choices?

Why are you losing your license? I know you said it's a long one, but I like stories.

Why do your parents think your a drug addict? The meds you take are for you to feel better no?
Posted 1/28/2012 2:27 AM (GMT 0)
Hey folks,
Thanks again for your support :)
I'll go backward replying... Somedude - the license thing basically comes from me being stupid and never getting a VA license when I moved to VA 2 yrs ago. I didn't realize I needed to - I figured since my NY one wasn't expired... anyway because I didn't do that, and for whatever reason never got notice, I didn't know my NY license got suspended because of a ticket I didn't pay (it was right before I moved - one of those "i thought i did that before i left" deals). Anyway, got pulled over for something that wasn't my fault (my registration stickers were old but I actually had my registration renewed so that was no crime) but then they ran my license and found out it was suspended. So I got "driving w/o a license". The next day I called NY, got the ticket paid and the suspension lifted and then immediately got my VA license. That was all a few wks ago. So I'm going in with a now-fixed license and hoping and praying they'll go easy on me since I didn't know I had done something wrong. Oh and as for bad choices - well not getting a VA license when I moved here was one. Losing my job twice in 2 yrs is another (because - I chose to be so sick I missed too much work and lost work) ... also moving to NY in the first place was apparently a mistake even though I ended up working full time and working my way through grad school. I left behind in NYC a great doc, most of my friends, a fantastic flexible and well paying job, and a much better everything. So in my mind, moving to VA was a huge mistake. I moved here to be closer to family because I was getting so sick I figured if I got really bad off I'd have my family nearby for support. Yeah - baaad idea.

And the drug addict thing blends into what Jim1969 wrote... you're right, there is such a social stigma to chronic pain meds. I partially blame the show House. A guy who has chronic pain, takes handfuls of Vicodin because there's no in between - chronic pain meds will make you an addict... that's what people think. I'm not saying it doesn't happen - but there are tons of ppl who need pain meds to get by - you're right. And there's a BIG difference between chemical dependence and addiction. Addiction is when you seek out a drug to escape or have fun... dependence is when, if you no longer have that medicine you're body will go in withdrawal. There's tons of non-narcotic meds that create dependence - like blood pressure meds, anti depressant, neuralgia meds... just because you get sick if you suddenly get off it doesn't mean you're addicted or killing brain cells. My pain mgmt doctors wouldn't have put me on this medicine and kept me on it for 4 yrs otherwise. There is such a horrible public image about all this. Maybe I can find help outside of pain meds but so far I've not had too much luck - I've tried tons of non-narcotics, supplements, vitamins, exercise, etc. I'm not just trying to get a "fix" - all I want is to not suffer. They say kidney stones can be more painful than giving birth -- imagine being in labor or just being stabbed repeatedly constantly for 4 yrs. Even with the meds I'm in pain - I can't imagine what will happen but I know it's going to be horrible.

Thx Karen for the links - I'm checking those out :) Thx Maggie for your support :) Thank you for sharing your story with me. Scary but I guess just because it's scary doesn't mean it's impossible.

The doc today did say that if I get off the meds on my own (or go to detox though not sure what the deal is with that) she will help me with physical therapy and look into other stuff - she said I might have spine issues too. The only problem is - all of this stuff is way more expensive than I think I can deal with... but I guess at least they totally didn't throw me out on the street. They just said they refuse to help with meds even if it's to ween me off them - so they said this other doc would do that... of course I talked to the receptionist at the other place and could already tell they won't help me. She was a mega witch and refused to be helpful. I sent them my info but couldn't get them to answer their phone to follow up. I figure they think I'm a crazy drug seeker and are ignoring me - it's only happened a dozen times already. Then I couldn't get the first doc to say they were referring me to get me some help. So yeah - maybe the stars will align but I'm not stupid. I know it's not likely at all. At least I have a lot of sleeping pills - I'm hoping I can use those (not excessively - just so I can sleep through the worst of the pain). I still have a few days. My goal is to at least get to my bday without horrific pain.

Thx again for your support :)
Posted 1/28/2012 3:05 AM (GMT 0)
OMG You are on Fentanyl and they are not helping you wean off of it?????? That is potent stuff...what are these doctors thinking? Please be careful...I wish I had some advice that would help...

As far as the license thing, if you have gotten yourself all legal by court time, that is usually what court is looking for. I know hubby got off with no or small fine if he corrected problem before court, So I hope it's good news there, anyway.

Keep us posted
Take care
Maggie
Posted 1/28/2012 5:14 AM (GMT 0)
Oh and I also forgot to mention - I got my dog tested for heartworms back in November so I think she's ok. They did a chest xray though and said her heart was just a bit enlarged - still within safe amounts though... but it makes me worried because I know if she has heartworms it would take a while to develop. I do give her heartworm meds but I'm sure I've skipped in the past or forgot at some point. It may be dust - my apt isn't exactly in the best shape because I have a really hard time cleaning and have no help. Her cough went away for a while but then she was wheezing... now she doesn't wheeze but she coughs - but sometimes she's fine - it's hard to say. Sorry - not the forum for dog issues but figured I'd throw it in there. I found out the spca here in where I live offers some discounted vet services and I can get her tested for heartworms for only $15 so I think I'm just going to do that again to make sure and maybe just ask them what I should do about her cough. At least it's better than just letting her suffer. Still sometime I wonder if both my dogs would just be better off with another family - but I'm so scared to lose them at the same time. Sorry - just figured I'd follow up since I didn't respond to the mention of heartworms.
Posted 1/28/2012 1:23 PM (GMT 0)
Bridget,

I am a dog lover. That is why I can understand you not wanting to give up your dogs. I am so sorry about your pain issues. I wish you could find a doc that would empathise with you. I have fibromyalgia. I take norco. Not really very strong, but it helps. I am tempted to ask the doc to up my meds, but scared to at the same time. But norco is like the lowest narcotic that there is. I could use percocet or something, that isn't too strong.

I hope you get your drivers liscense situation straightened out. Yea, I think you are suppose to change withing 60 days of moving somewhere. Not really sure about that. Too bad you had that ticket on there, that messed you up. But I think you will get it straightened out in no time.

Keep posting Bridget. I am really hoping that this move to VA wasn't a mistake. You can make the best of any situation. Try to remember that.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 1/28/2012 4:52 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Bridget

Just checking in...will be pulling foryou for court on Monday..i think you are in good shape there.

i would definitely check out low cost heartworm test. I hope that cough is something temporary. We have 2 dogs too and cannot afford vet bills either...those monthly meds are expensive if you have a big dog. One of ours is Sally, 12 yr old doxie chihuahua mix and weighs 12 lbs-she's cheap...the other is a huge blond lab mix femaile named Sweetie and she weighs a gajillion lbs so some months we just have to say a prayer...I know how hard it is and they become our family and we feel guilt but you have to eat, right?

What kind of dogs do you have?

Hope you have a good day..it is sunny and lovely here today

Keep us posted
Maggie
Posted 2/1/2012 4:10 AM (GMT 0)
Hey guys -

I wanted to follow up. First off, meant to reply earlier - Maggie, I have 2 yorkie-poodles (sisters from the same litter). I have been a bad doggie-mama this week and haven't taken her to the vet. She does seem to be better though but I will get her checked... just been a little - no, a LOT busy as of late. But that doesn't mean I'm not helping her - she still has steroids that she's been taking consistently since I took her to the vet 2 months ago (it says take them til they're gone) and I have a humidifier for her. Her nose looks so much better - it's all squishy and wet like normal and she seems happy. Hopefully it's just a lingering cough from her bronchitis. Still need to bring her to the vet soon.

So this morning I woke up with a sort of messed up blessing in disguise. I had some really strong pain in my side, nausea and a slight fever. It was my first day of my patch, so usually I feel at my best (which isn't great but not usually sharp pain). It had all the signs of a kidney stone so I quickly got to a urologist since today was the last day of my insurance. Unfortunately it turned out I have a 10mm stone - completely unpassable - in the joint of my kidney, trying to pass. If it gets out it could block my kidney. It's also been forming for a while, like a year, and apparently it's been the primary reason why I've had increasing pain for a while in my side (that comes and goes because according to my doc it's been rolling back and forth from my kidney to the joint - where the kidney joins to the ureter). So yeah - it won't pass and I HAVE to have surgery or it won't ever go away and it could cause serious problems.

Hearing this made me immediately start crying in the doctor's office - I mean how would I deal with this with no insurance? I mean it seemed pretty impossible. So you're thinking - how is this a blessing in disguise? Well... it sucks, I'll give you that, and it will mean a lot of pain. But, it also sort of helps. First, at least temporarily I don't have to worry about detoxing as I now have pain meds to help with the agonizing pain. Of course, its not the same meds or as strong and considering I'm still in horrible pain with the meds my urologist gave AND the patch, I'm scared of how it will feel in a few days when I don't have more patches but my doc did say that if I need something stronger he will help (keep in mind - this is NOT about getting high in any way - and I know I'll have pain either way but I just want to avoid horrifying screaming pain if I can). So yeah, temporarily I have access to pain management and it buys some time until I can find a pain doc (and this should actually help my case in finding a pain doc). Next, I am extremely fortunate enough to have a father that doesn't want to let me miss out on a totally necessary surgery. He is helping me get insurance even though it costs an arm and a leg and he's going to go with me to the hospital. That and he helped calmed me down when the run around from the insurance company gave me a panic attack.

So yeah, it's not a normal thing to think of a huge painful kidney stone as a "good" thing but in a lot of ways it's actually helping me. It's been impossible to get any support from my family (well my dad is good - just that he thinks I'm a lazy good-for-nothing and that my problems were caused by my own bad choices). Now I actually have irrefutable evidence that I am sick - a tangible proof - a visible (on an x-ray) sign that I am not just a slacker with hypochondria. Sure I had proof before but it wasn't strong enough for my family to believe - this stone is something they can understand. It's such a relief! I don't want their pity - I just wanted them to understand I'm not a big faker.

Unfortunately my mom is still having some issues. We stopped talking for a month because of an argument we had when she called me a drug addict. When she heard from my sister about the detoxing (this was before the stone was discovered) she called me today to see how I was, which was good. The only problem is she still thinks I'm an addict. She said she knows I'm not and crackhead, but there's all kinds of addicts - like an coffee addict - so I think she was trying to say that I wasn't a drug seeker which is good... but then she follows that up by saying she wants to hear from a doctor herself that I need these meds. Then she said I should send her my doctor's records! I'm 34 years old - she can't take my word? Why would I even be on these meds if a doctor didn't prescribe them? I'm not buying them on the street or something. I told her (and this just happened recently) that I went to the county run detox center to see if they could help with my withdrawal symptoms when they eventually hit. The guy I spoke to was the expert on pain killer addictions and he said that I don't need to detox, I need pain meds - if that's what a doctor gave me to manage my pain then that's what I need to manage my pain. I have to say - hearing that from someone who's profession is telling people to stop taking pain meds was pretty uplifting. I also told my mom that just because a medicine causes a dependence doesn't make it bad - all kinds of meds cause a dependence like blood pressure medicine, non narcotic neuralgia meds, epilepsy meds, and anti-depressants... it doesn't mean they should never be used! She offered to pay for my insurance for 2 months (I hadn't mentioned yet that my dad had already said he would) - I thought, great! One thing dad won't have to pay (since all this drama started my mom has not helped financially, not that she has to in any way, but what bothers me is when she offers but then makes it so in order for me to get her support I have to concede to her control). She then said she would only give me money if I did everything she said including get off pain meds. Now keep in mind, most of the stuff she's asked for I've already done or may be forced to do because of lack of a doctor - so it's not the requirements that are the problem. I just refuse to bow down and do what she thinks is best. It's one thing to make suggestions (most of which I take) - it's another thing to force her will and specific religious practices on me. I don't take kindly to threats. Plus I just didn't have the time or energy to put up with arguing with her because I had to deal with the insurance company. Later tonight she called but I was enjoying a welcomed break from stress by watching Glee so I let it go to voicemail. I listened to her message and she was crying and saying she's not sure why I took what she said the wrong way and just a whole bunch of guilt-trippy stuff. So what, I'm supposed to call her up to comfort HER? Somehow this is all about how I'm unfair to HER now? My sister did the same guilt trip, passive aggressive crap and it drives me crazy. My dad may be a bit gruff and not all warm and fuzzy but at least he never pull this guilt trip passive aggressive stuff with me.

Wow that was a long ramble - but I just wanted to say that despite all this mess, the horribleness of pain, and my psycho passive aggressive mother - I'm actually feeling less depressed. I'm still lost and have no idea what will happen to me but I think sometimes when things get to the point of being so bad they're ridiculous it actually makes you take a step back and have some... perspective. I'm not sure if I'm explaining it right. Not to say I'm "fixed" - I'm still having a lot of problems obviously, but now I at least have my dad in my corner... and I guess my mom "thinks" whatever she's doing is supportive... at least I know in some messed up way she cares. So yeah, I guess I'll be ok for a little while longer :) Thanks for your support!
Posted 2/1/2012 12:07 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Bridget

So glad to hear from you!! How did court go? I'm assuming ok...it's not like you didn't have enough on your plate already!!

I would say great news on the kidney stone, but that is wrong on so many levels-LOL-but I understand exactly what you mean..you are not going to have to deal with THAT crisis right away.

I am thrilled your Dad is helping out, he obviously loves you (Dads aren't very good at saying it) Your Mom-well, don't get me started-lol.
I guess when I was rambling about Katrina and trying to survive, the point was that we worry about the worst case scenario and how we won't survive , only to find that we have hidden strength and character that come out when the worst does happen...and you have found that strength and resolve.

I'm sorry you are going thru all these crises at once but you have found out some important lessons about your family and more importantly, yourself.

I really care Bridgett, so keep us posted here..hope your pain is a 2 today!!

Maggie

PS your dog-babies sound adorable!! Hope insurance thing works out
Posted 2/1/2012 1:10 PM (GMT 0)
Hi there,

And good morning...

I am sorry about the kidney stone. I guess this could be a blessing in disguise. But know that you are going to have to deal with your addiction issues sooner or later. Yes this is biding you some time, but it has to be dealt with. Hopefully this doc you are talking about can help you. And yes, you do need pain meds right now. I would refuse your mother's help though financially. If she is putting conditions on it. That isn't right. Your father seems much more trusting in you and no strings attached.

I hope that you get though all this okay. Do keep us posted. As we do all care about you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 2/1/2012 9:01 PM (GMT 0)
That's right - forgot to update on the traffic court thing - they let me off the hook :) Since I had no priors - they didn't even bother with asking for my story they just saw that I resolved everything and let me go - not even a fine! So yeah - pretty awesome, I was thrilled.

As for the meds - I only have access now to much weaker meds so I'll still be dealing with some withdrawal on top of a hugely painful stone, but at least it won't be as much of a shock to my system. The plan is to just get through this surgery and recover enough that I have the energy and ability to walk/drive/etc so I can resume my search for a pain management doctor. I can't stress enough, being on long term pain medication does not make you an addict. I know it may seem like I'm stuck on semantics but seriously, there is a HUGE difference between addiction and chemical dependence. HUGE - gigantic - like the difference between a paper cut and a severed limb kinda huge. It is true that I'll very soon have to deal with withdrawal because the new meds aren't as strong and they are very different, but then once I deal with the immediate dangers and get past surgery (I may need multiple surgeries actually - they said it all depends) - once I get to the point where I can drive and walk and stuff I'll be off looking for another doctor, because no matter what happens I MUST find a way to control the pain. Addiction is when people take drugs to get a feeling of euphoria or escape.... I have always (in 5 yrs) taken well below the amount prescribed to me by my doctors to manage a very real medical condition. The reason I'm seeing this stone as a good thing - is because only now am I getting some help for this pain, but the kidney pain has been there - non stop - for 5 years. If I didn't have some way of managing it with the help of a doctor I would have spent those last 5 yrs curled up in the fetal position sobbing and screaming. Do pain meds cause a chemical dependence? Sure - but so does blood pressure medicine. Heck - I think I wrote all this in my last post - I had the county expert on pain killer addiction telling me I NEED to have pain killers. Man I wish I would have recorded him for all the doubters out there. It's bad enough having to deal with chronic pain plus all this other mess going on right now only to be told I'm an addict.

If you got stabbed in the side, someone would probably give you pain meds for it, right? Well what if someone stabbed you in the side every day - consistently, without end, with no way to stop it. After a few months of stabbings - should you stop getting pain meds? On the 91st stabbing does it suddenly not hurt any more?

Sorry but it really burns my butter when folks call me an addict. Like the equivalent of being called a liar because if I'm an addict I must have been lying about being in pain the last 5 years.

Oh and today's my birthday by the way ... happy birthday to me. Eh, it could be worse.
Posted 2/1/2012 9:45 PM (GMT 0)
Happy Birthday Bridget!!!

You seem to be worried about people thinking you are an addict when you are just looking for help for pain. Has somebody accused you of being an addict, or are you just worried that people are going to see you as one? I have fibromyalgia and I have to take pain medications. I don't think I am an addict. But I know how it feels when doctors are worried about their patients being drug seekers. There is so much of that these days that I think all doctors are skeptical. As long as you just take what you need, there should be no worry. And you say you always take less so don't be worried about it. Have you ever before had problems with wanting the drugs? If not, I doubt that you have anything to worry about. And if you did, you sound like you know where to draw the line. Have some faith in yourself.

I hope that you are feeling better.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 2/3/2012 3:27 PM (GMT 0)
Hello Bridget, I love your posts, you write everything down, this helps to vent or share with others on this forum. I love dogs and I have a 6 year old girl beagle called hope. Dogs are a lot of work but also are alot of love. Some things I tried when I was distressed and could not stop crying was mindfullness and diversional therapy, and recently religion. Going to church I have made nearly 20 friends in this last month, plus the satisfaction of helping others in need. Karen has also helped me alot and never given up on me, this really did help me, I wish you the best bridget.
Posted 2/3/2012 5:30 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks guys :) I know I write a lot, kind of a bad habit of mine. My friends love to tease me about the 20 page emails I send them.

Well today is day one without fentanyl but I have other meds so it's not too bad. Last night I had some kind of weirdo involuntary panic attack. Like - I wasn't upset or anything and then out of nowhere my chest got really tight like my heart was racing and breathing was hard. Fortunately I was able to stay calm and distract myself til it passed. Kinda scary but nothing life threatening. For now I'm not in a huge amount of pain so that's good.

Oh and I made a major dog-related break through! I got a suggestion from a friend with small dogs - apparently the "coughing" is actually reverse sneezing - a common trait in small dogs. If I hold her nose and rub her throat it will pass. The problem is my apt is uber dusty thx to me not being able to vacuum (not allowed - it would majorly mess up my kidney). Unfortunately my family is all too far away or busy to help so the pups will have to put up with the dust for a bit longer. My mom says she'll pay for a maid but I want to wait until I stabilize post-fentanyl before bring a stranger over. I have to make sure I'm not too out of it - cuz if someone nabbed my medicine I'd be screwed. But at least I have that option.

I hope all my venting isn't too annoying. It does seem to help to get all this stuff out. I kinda go back and forth between being depressed and being too scared. I've just been trying to distract myself - talk to friends, watch TV, read (when I can focus). I don't want to think about what it's going to be like after I have this lithotripsy for my stone. The doc says it may not work - all the broken bits may clump back together and try to pass at the same time. So best case scenario is excrutiating pain, worse case scenario is pain then doing the litho again. No one is close enough geographically that they can just stay with me or take me home with them. No room in my apt for anyone to stay here (well, there's a couch but it's not exactly ideal). My dad wants to get a hotel and stay nearby and check in on me but I think that's dumb. What's the point? I'm not going to be in a life threatening state - it's just pain. I've gone through similar stuff before. It just involves a lot of pain. I'll still be able to move and all the basics. I'm scared of being on my own but I also dont want my dad here either. I know - doesn't make sense but that's the way it is.

Thanks all for your replies - I really appreciate it :)
Posted 2/3/2012 6:48 PM (GMT 0)
Bridget,

I am happy that you feel safe wnough here to vent. So write away. It does us all good.

I hope that you get though your surgery and that it is successful. I think it is sweet that your dad wants to be there for you, but I understand how you feel about him being there. If he does though, take advantage of the extra support.

Know that we are all thinking of you here. Take care, and keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 2/3/2012 8:59 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you :)

I just got called about a job and have an interview on Monday. Considering most of today I've been barely lucid this should be interesting. And here's hoping I don't start screaming in pain mid-interview (I have a feeling that might not help my chances). I figure, what the heck, might as well try. It's not exactly my dream job and I think it involves a lot of standing (something I can't really do) but maybe not - who knows?
Posted 2/3/2012 10:27 PM (GMT 0)
Bridget,

A couple of years ago I worked a standing cashier job for a few months. I didn't think I could do it but I did. I got some Dr. Scholl's white nurses shoes. They were wonderful. I never had any back pain and only had foot pain one day. It was New Year's Eve and my coworker decided not to show up. We did over 10,000.00 on my shift alone that night. This was just a little convenience store/gas station. But what I am getting at is that you would be surprised at what you are able to do under the right conditions. I really wish you well with this. If nothing else, it is a new experience. What kind of work is it?

I hope that everything works out for you and that you get this job. Keep us posted.

Hugs, Karen
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