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Posted 2/19/2012 10:16 PM (GMT 0)
Im not sure what to call my mood today. Yesterday I had so much fun with friends at a college basketball game, even defeating my social phobia for the day! Woke up ok this morning but my mood has been in the dumps all day Cant stop crying. This is the first time in a long time that Ive longed to be out at the cemetary where my friend is buried. As I type this too Im still crying. shakehead   Even while in a public place (library) which is very unusual for me!

I need to get homework done and I want to get it done so that burden is gone but I cant make myself work on it today. I feel like I cant go home because the people I live with are being hypercritical about me staying in my bedroom a lot during the day but its making things worse Its putting that extra pressure on me especially when I do not know what else to do but hide in my bedroom. I had a set back last weekend with SH but did a chain analysis for my DBT group and that helped (Those things are HARD to fill out!!!)

Posted 2/19/2012 11:14 PM (GMT 0)
things will get better. they are hard to fill out, and to verbally deliver even harder.
know that we are here for you nicole. sending healing vibes your way. jamie
Posted 2/19/2012 11:17 PM (GMT 0)
thanks jamie! Feeling a lil better after posting here. I feel like a state of mania is trying to start.. well manic-depression really Im wanting to go spend spend spend or drive everywhere without much thought behind it but still feeling so depressed.
Posted 2/19/2012 11:21 PM (GMT 0)
i fully understand. be safe. hit some music and dance. i do air guitar with my cane!!! jamie
Posted 2/19/2012 11:24 PM (GMT 0)
That made me smile :) Sitting at the library attempting homework while I have music blaring through my headphones Not dancing yet though lol
Posted 2/19/2012 11:28 PM (GMT 0)
yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! tongue turn tongue smilewinkgrin turn tongue smilewinkgrin
Posted 2/20/2012 12:09 AM (GMT 0)
I am happy that you are feeling better. I am sorry that you were down.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 2/20/2012 2:39 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks Karen. Im a little better than I was.. Bouts of crying still are sneaking through but not for as long of periods of time. I did get some homework done and then had a nice dinner out. Ate too much though and guilt is startin to build some because of it (never understood bulimia but therapist says this is a common sign of it.. hmm!)
I was going to go to a movie but the guilt of bailing out on my nanny job got to be too much so came on home (good thing though the lil guy is already asleep lol) I feel like Im on a dang rollercoaster at high speeds!!!!!!!
Posted 2/20/2012 1:18 PM (GMT 0)
Give yourselsf a break and a pat on the back for doing what you do. I feel like you are being a little hard on yourself. Keep posting, it really helps.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 2/21/2012 12:21 AM (GMT 0)
I think I usually am a little hard on myself too. Today has been an ... odd day Woke up at 6 on my day off none the less! lol I felt the social phobia taking over so decided to get up and clean. I got some homework done. Overall an ok morning. about noonish I couldn't stand it anymore I had to get out of the house. Social phobia still at large but not as bad as the urge to move. Not sure if a mania episode is trying to start or what. I ended up driving all over town going nowhere in particular I finally made myself do something so I went to a movie (ended up being a tearjerker which is not good when already on the verge of tears lol) I have this feeling in the back of my head that Im competing for something but dont know what. It was like everything I did needed to have the effect "Ha! Ill show them!" but dont know who "them" is. I tried to follow my safe plan to prevent stuff from happening... both of my main people were unavailable and that made things worse. Then it was like I was competing for attention and couldnt get any. Now its back to wanting to do stuff to please people in hopes theyll say something. Ive been home maybe an hour or two and have already emptied the dishwasher, cooked dinner and reloaded the dishwasher and swept the whole downstairs. Im pooped! but brain says move move move! I need to do some more homework (WAY behind for everything thats due Wednesday by 5pm and have a professor that is an absolutely no excuse for late lady) Just want to scream and wish itd help! and to top it off its a double therapy week! (stresses me out until its over with)
Posted 2/21/2012 1:15 AM (GMT 0)
I finally sat down and ate dinner Im fighting feeling guilty for not taking care of cole but joe's here and awake enough to take him. This dang storm has got my nerves all twisted up I dont know how to explain whats going on inside my head. its frustrating. Its like little bees buzzing around everywhere one minute and then nothing the next It cant make up its mind between wanting to do everything go everywhere to doing nothing because of the social phobia. At the same time its starting to sound like its all being done for attention. Not consciously doing it for attention but can see how it looks that way when i take a step back and look at it. I hate it! As Im sitting here typing Im starting the stupid crying again. I wish there was a way to escape my feelings. Its frustrating. I thought this was going to be a good week. It started off fine but nooooo it cant be that simple Theres always a stupid hiccup in everything makes me feel stupid
Posted 2/21/2012 3:30 AM (GMT 0)
Do you ever meditate Nichole? Or have I already asked you that? I think it would give you control over your thoughts. I think you should google it and get some information on it. It gives you peace in your mind. It also helps you to feel good, enjoy the quiet. Give it a try for me... I think it would help you.

I Hope that you feel better soon.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 2/21/2012 3:50 AM (GMT 0)
No havent tried it yet I want to learn more mindfullness techniques that seemed to help some during group. Thanks for the idea!
Posted 2/21/2012 12:54 PM (GMT 0)
It is so easy and there are ways to learn for free on the internet, if you don't find anything to help you, email me and I will tell you what I do...

Hugs, Karen
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