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Husband is depressed and seperated from his family

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Posted 2/13/2012 2:06 PM (GMT 0)
I am a wife to a depressed husband. He has been depressed since our daughter was born which has been 21 months. I have reached out to his family, tried to reach out to him and got nothing for the past year. I have been living in survival mode. Trying to stay afloat. We started going to marriage counseling a few months ago and it seemed to bring up a ton of emotions for my husband. I thought it was good, like we were finally getting somewhere. I think it pushed him over the edge.   He has now moved out to live with his parents. He admits to being depressed and plans to go to a doctor. He blames me for the depression and thinks that I do not love him.   This could not be further from the truth. I have spent the last year researching the disease and trying to talk about it with him. He has been very angry, negative, shut down, and rages on me in front of our child. I have asked him not to speak to me that way. I have started doing things on my own or with my daughter to keep somewhat of a normal life. If I did not love him as much as I did, I would not have made it through the last year.    What can I do? What do I expect? How do I help?   I want to be part of the recovery, but cannot when he thinks I am the cause of the problem. I want to help him, I want him to come home.........Is this too much to ask? Should I just live independently and hope one day he will stop blaming me and give us a chance to be a family? I have told him that I am here and will support him for as long as it takes, just as long as he tries to get help.  
Posted 2/13/2012 2:13 PM (GMT 0)
Get an appointment with a local Doctor Primary and get him in for a physical,
as he might be having a medical issues since this seems to have come on so
fast, then make an appointment for him alone for counseling and get him
there...and just try to keep on being supportive, but if he refuses these
measures you might have to get some tough Love approaches....
Hope things get better with you both....
Posted 2/13/2012 2:43 PM (GMT 0)
You are in no way to blame for his depression, though it is going to take him awhile to see this. His depression is his own. So don't feel guilty.

Keep on trying. Give him a little space to get better. But let him know that you are there for him. I hope that everything works out okay.

Keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 2/13/2012 2:51 PM (GMT 0)
He is willing to go to a medical doctor to discuss this, but wants to make his own appointment and wants to go alone. I am hoping the doctor will set him up with a counselor or strongly suggest it.

I am just having a hard time with the space part. I want to give him his space, but at the same time, I am running a house and playing single parent with a high stress career.

Half of me is trying to just move forward and take care of all the responsibilities and the other half of me is mad that he has just left us and left me to bear all the responsibilities. Torn!

At the end of the day I just want the guy I married back.

Post Edited (survivalmode27) : 2/13/2012 8:00:17 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 2/13/2012 4:20 PM (GMT 0)
take this one day at a time. That is the best that you can do. You will get your husband back.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 2/13/2012 8:10 PM (GMT 0)
Do you think he might be suffering from Postpartum depression? Men can suffer from that too after having a baby. Your husband will come back once he figured out what is going on with him. How is your daughter doing if you don't mind me asking? Just keep your chin up girl =]
Posted 2/13/2012 8:53 PM (GMT 0)
I don't think so... I just think it was the added stress of another responsibility in life that made him really start to go down. I think it is probably something that he has struggled with off and on, except this time it did not go away.

Our daughter is starting to act out a little. She has seen how he has treated me in these last few months and she is now starting to mock some of the gestures and actions towards me now that he is not there. It really breaks my heart. I just hope that we caught it in time to not do any permanant damage to her.
Posted 2/13/2012 10:30 PM (GMT 0)
I know your husband has been depressed and has not treated you well in the recent past but please know that all your daughters acting out is not his fault. Your daughter is reaching the terrible 2's and believe me they are exactly what they are called. This is the age they learn that they are an individual and not an extention of you. They learn to hit, bite, yell, throw things, and back talk. And, they always seem to be at their worst when you are out in public, not feeling well or when there is unrest in the home. But, on a good note, she will outgrow it.

I also agree with babiecakes. Men sometimes feel anxiety when they realize that they have this new responsiblity and it overwhelms them. Then, he could also feel lost or alone because alot of your attention is now on the baby, not him. Believe me, a new baby/toddler has caused lots of stress in many a household.

It is a hard job being a parent, especially if you are battling an illness such as depression. But, I am sure once he gets on the right medications and has a bit of time off to reflect, he will be back. Maybe a childless date would be nice. It would give you time to talk without interruptions.

I hope things work out for all of you and will keep you in my thoughts.

take care,
Posted 2/14/2012 3:12 PM (GMT 0)
I started to see the change about 3 months after our daughter was born. But I still think it was just he straw that broke the camel's back. He has never been real responsible and I have probably been an enabler. I am just a take charge type of person and when the baby was born it required him to step up in many ways.

Maybe there is more there, maybe he fears not being a good father, or being able to provide for our daughter....I am not sure. Right now he does not know either. He told me his mind was a whirlwind and ran non-stop jumping from one negative conclusion to another. At this time I am not asking him how he feels or trying to figure out what the cause is. I am just trying to help him get to a better place so he can sort through his thoughts.

He did ask me to schedule his appointment with a doctor. He is going Thursday and I asked him if he wanted me to go and he said No. Would it be too much to ask him if he minds if I go? I would like to know what the Doctor says and what advice he has for treatment, what I can do as well.
Posted 2/14/2012 4:15 PM (GMT 0)
I would ask, but if he says no, leave it at that and have faith that the doc will help him.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 2/25/2012 3:51 AM (GMT 0)

Hello Survival - I have bi-polar II depression (dx'd 2005) and found that I felt much better after realizing that many people struggle with depression - strange as that sounds.  Even many many more people are uneducated about it.  It is a real disease and isn't something to be ashamed of.  I felt a little embarrassed in the beginning but my meds are adjusted so that I feel like the same ol' guy.  It sounds like he went to his parents house because he probably is afraid of his cycles of anger and emotion with his new family.  Also, in his situation, any alcohol is throwing fuel on the fire! Nobody should be drinking around him.

Also, thank you for being a good parent and making sure that the little one has all its needs and is safe.  The docs and your family will make him feel very comfortable once he has started on whatever program.

Mr. B 

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